Thank you for your post. Before answering your question, please tell me more about your son. How is he like when he is around you? How often do you see him and what is your pressing concerns about him?
I have not seen my son since August. Prior to that he has never been without me. I am not safe around his father as he is physically and emotionally abusive. Carl is a very smnart and friendly boy. He loves to read, play his dinosaur card game, play with games on the computer, and play outside. I used to talk to him twice a week until Valentines day. His father I was coming home on Valentines day when I never said that. I cannot leave NV and do not want to be around my ex. My ex told my son that I didn't love them anymore that is why I didn't come home. Since then whenever I ask to speak to my son my ex will tell him to tell me... what I call prompting him and then carl will tell me that he doesn't want to talk to e and he doesn't love me anymore.
Carl used to be very loving and affectionate. I am worried about when I see him when I go back to GA for the custody battle. He used to hit me sometime when he was tired b/c he saw his father do that to me. Know I have much more to worry about b/c I have not been there to protect him from his father's short temper and volatility. I had to physically intervene when he beat my son with a belt numerous times. He used to spank my son when he was 3 y/o and potty training and have an accident.
Thank you for your response. Much of the work that is needed when you reunite with your son is attachment work. Any child therapist you seek out will use play as a way to engage and to allow your son to communicate, As you know, young children communicate best when playing due to the developing verbal skills.
As I was rereading your post, I was wondering if you had specific questions for me regarding your son's behaviors? What type of answer are you looking for through this forum?
I am wondering how to best handle a child who has experienced a trauma like being seperated from his mother for almost a year. What kind of things can I do to help him? Is what he is dealing with parental alienation syndrome? What do I need to do about potential physical and emotional abuse besides getting him a psychologist? I am scared b/c he has always wanted to talk to me and now he even tells me he doesn't love me. How do I help him?
I apologize for the technical difficulties I am currently experiencing.
To answer your question, when you regain custody of your son, the best thing you can do as a parent to remain consistent, loving, and provide for all of his needs. When I mean consistent, please teach him the difference between right from wrong, disciplining him when he shows negative behaviors, and continue to show affection to him. He may be dealing with parent alienation syndrome, but most importantly, he is experiencing a disruption of attachment to the only primary care giver he knew and loved (which is you.) There will be times when your son will try to hurt you or push the limits with you. I encourage you to not to take these attacks personally and to continue with the consistency and love you provide. Although your son is saying that he doesn't love you, please rest assure that all children always want their mothers.
How do I deal with the lies that he has been told? That I do not love him, that is why I did not come home to see him. God knows what else he has been told.
I suggest for your to start a journal, indicating the date and time of when you are writing in the journal. In this journal, I urge you to write your feelings towards your son, how much you miss him, things you wish you can do with him, etc. Another suggestion I have for your is to write cards to him and keep them in your possession until you regain custody of him so that you can show him how much you were thinking of him and how much you missed him.
He is very young so he is very impressionable. As long as your actions are consistent with your words, he will remember the things you have done for him in the past and you will be able to recreate the attachment you had with him
Here are more suggestions for you:
FOCUS ON ALTERING ONE'S OWN BEHAVIOR AND NOT THAT OF THE ALIENATING PARENT - When the targeted parent makes small changes such as not accepting phone calls from the alienating parent, that in itself may help mediate some of their negatives influences. STOP FEELING INTIMIDATED BY THE ALIENATING PARENT - The alienating parent gets their power from frightening, threatening and intimidating the targeted parent. BECOME PROACTIVE RATHER THAN REACTIVE TO THE ALIENATING PARENT'S BEHAVIOR - Many targeted parents invest tremendous energy and time in attempts to convince the alienating parent that what they are doing is harmful and unfair to the children and themselves. This is a complete waste and in most cases, it actually makes things worse because it provides more opportunities to create conflict. KEEP BEING A PARENT - Do not succomb to pressures to overlook children's poor or inappropriate behavior. Be loving, consistent and firm in your expectations of your children. FOCUS ON YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR AND NOT THAT OF THE ALIENATING PARENT - By making changes in how you respond or react to the alienating parent, this in turn will have a direct impact on the alienating parent. For example, if you limit contact with the alienating parent and reframe from responding to threats and criticisms, this will limit the power the alienating parent will have.
Do you have any further questions?
What do I do when he starts to hit me? Or when I call and he tells me he doesn't want to talk to me anymore and that he doesn't love me?
When he starts to hit you, you needs to a) keep yourself safe, and b) keep him safe. Thus doing a timeout or having him sit in a corner will show him that his behaviors are unacceptable In terms of him not wanting to talk to you over the phone and him telling you he does not love you, please continue to tell him that you love him and miss him dearly.
My recommendation for you at this point is to concentrate on the custody proceedings first, versus worrying about your son's reactions to you. It seems as though you are feeling anxious about regaining custody of him, but rest assure, you are steps ahead of many parents who are regaining custody as you are thinking about obtaining professional assistance.
Any other questions?
no i guess not. so i guess professional assistance with psychologist is the best choice or just a counselor?
Child psychologist will be the best choice, in my opinion
okay thanks for the advice
not a problem
I wish you all the best!
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