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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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I am pretty positive I am dating a narcisstic man. I have

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I am pretty positive I am dating a narcisstic man. I have lived with him for 3 years. In that time I have been cheated on several times but never caught him in the act. I know form the text I have seen and many other things he has cheated. I came home from work a couple of Fridays ago to have all evidence of me in our room shoved in a drawer or closet. He always says and denies seeing anyone else. For the past couple of weeks its been tough. The sex has died down and I have felt so unattrative inside and like no one else will ever want me. I have been needy for attention and reassurance in past couple of weeks but the more I want it the more I get rejected. It seems when I do not want attention I get it. I find myself comparing myself to all these other women. I am destroying myself inside. I am terrified for him to be gone and torcher myself because I know what he is doing. A couple of Fridays ago he came home late in drunk and I found an empty condom wrapper on bathroom floor next day. He swore it was not it but there is no other possibility. Then he uses the tactic that I did it to cause drama which is ridiculous. He then goes in a rage and says it is over only an hour later to calm down and everything is fine. Of course if I bring it up again he does the same tactic. He says I am beyond jealous which in all my relationships I have never been accused of being jealous. He also says that you can not accuse someone unless you catch them in the act. He works for company where he is not mointered and is not in a office everyday. On alot of Fridays his friends and himself go to lunch and start drinking never to go back to work. The more he drinks the meaner and more uncaring he gets. I have never let myself be put down so bad. What is wrong with me? What do I do?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like your boyfriend may be narcissistic from what you have described about him and his behavior. And if you are feeling so bad in the relationship that you are questioning yourself, then there is a problem.

 

It is very hard to deal with a narcissist. Narcissism is a personality disorder, which is a category of disorders that are difficult to treat with therapy, even if the person wants help. Everything about a narcissist is "me first". They lack empathy and only want to be involved in something that benefits them in some way. They do not hesitate to say or do hurtful things to someone else. When told about their behavior, they often find ways to make it the other persons fault or they just ignore the information.

 

People with personality disorders usually have to want to get better and have insight into their own behavior before they can recover. If your boyfriend refuses to see his behavior as an issue, then it is unlikely he will ever address your feelings. It is also unlikely he will be able to ever have a stable relationship until he does address this problem. So this is not your fault in any way. It is his issue.

 

You are seeing all the signs of cheating. He shoves all your things away (he is probably bringing women home), he blames you (not accepting responsibility for his behavior), and he is not listening to how you feel. As a result, you are feeling bad about yourself.

The key here is to not accept responsibility. You know intellectually that he is doing these things to you, but accepting it emotionally is difficult because of the pain. No one wants to feel their partner is in it for themselves and may be cheating. But you would not feel this way if your boyfriend treated you right. You would be the center of his life and he would be the same for you.

 

You can talk with your partner and let him know that you are aware he is cheating and you want to work on the relationship. Suggest you both go to counseling together to talk this out. If he refuses, then go on your own. These problems have hurt you and you need support. You also need to decide if you want to stay in the relationship.

 

Also, you can learn more about narcissism. It will help to understand what is going on with him and how it affects his behavior. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://www.ehow.com/how_2113015_deal-narcissist-life.html

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/


The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family by Eleanor D. Payson

Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed by Wendy T. Behary

The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists by Rokelle Lerner

You can find these books on Amazon.com or your local library may have them for you.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5578
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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