It wasn't all that intense. We kind of jumped around a lot.
She was telling me, to start out, that she wanted me to stay with my feelings as I have them as much as possible. She said she knows it's hard at work, but I need to get used to not pushing my feeling and thoughts aside automatically, and I can't process this if I don't feel it. She said that she hates when I aske her "how long is this going to take?) because she doesn't know. She said we can't really expect it to be a fast process, considering how long I've had it buried and what happened.
Then we were talking about how I sometimes google random stuff, like stuff that happened (foreign objects, bottle) and the participation thing. And kind of like I told you, I told her couldn't find much on people participating during a r*** and although I find a lot about foreign objects, the only thing that I find similar to mine is referral to some old movie where a woman was r***d with a broken bottle and stuff about Rwanda and Bosnia.
I told her that I know there's some reason for this to have happened, some reason God had allowed it to happen, but I don't understand why the bottle was there. God could have moved it like 3 feet away. It would have made all the difference. She was asking me what all i thought would be different without the bottle.
Then she was saying that she would really like me to try to get back into exercising and maybe stretching and stuff, that she thinks I somewhat cut off from my own body. She thought it was largely from what happened, but also probably a result of the teasing growing up. She says she thought exercising, now that I'm getting a little better sleep an have some nights off, would help in a lot of ways. She also said that it might not be a bad idea to get comfortable with my body and "explore.". She was trying to be delicate with the subject. I said "are you telling me to masturbate?" and she said it probably would be healthy. I told her about the book I bought a few weeks ago, and she was surprised. I said she was probably right, but don't give it as an "assignment" because I'm not going to "report back" to her. We were both laughing about how awkward that would be. We also talked about sex and my semi-recent curiosities, which she thought was a good thing, but said that going out and sleeping
with a stranger is probably not the answer. I assured her I was not considering it. We talked about all the issues involved, including the fact that I should be married first, but that maybe that wasn't practical. I said I wasn't ready yet anyway, and had nobody in mind, so it was a non-issue, an she was saying that she hoped when it did come about, it was somebody who knew what they were doing, so I can see that it is a fun, pleasurable thing. I told her I was sure it would hurt the first time anyway, and she said not necessarily. She said the key would be to relax and then went into a whole spiel. But, as I told her, it's just something in my mind and I have no plans to put it into action anytime soon at all.
She had said at the beginning of the session how proud she was that I was so honest. I asked if people usually came in and lied to her. She said no, but they leave a lot out, and especially tend to leave out parts where they feel they "participated" or we're especially ashamed. I told her I get that - that I did the same thing (although I left out almost everything) when I tried counseling before.
She said "I wonder if you realize that anyone hearing your story would be outraged and sympathetic and would not hold you accountable." I tol her I thought that was a very broad generalization. She said it was, but she felt like she could say it truthfully. I reminded her of the reaction of the first person I told.
She said again that she thinks a support group may be a good thing.
I was telling her about the one book I read where the guy broke in to the woman's house and tied her up, etc. and that at one point he told her to move with him while he was having sex with her, and she did, and that'sreally the only thing I could find about participation during (and not regret for what was done leading up to) an incident, except in cases of childhood sexual abuse. She asked if I thought that her moving with the guy was "participation," and I said yes - not at the same level as me, but yes. She asked if I could call it something other than "participation," like "forced compliance" or something. I said she could call it whatever she wants.
She didn't say a thing about what we discussed last week. She said she wanted me, if I felt comfortable, to call the woman about the trauma body work stuff or to just go get a massage.
We also talked about the fact that things are just pretty much the same - kind of stagnant right now.
I thought she was going to be gone next week, but it's not for another few weeks. She just said she had wanted to let me know really early, so I don't feel like she's just taking off. I tried to tell her again that the issue before was not that she took a day off to sped with family - it was that I thought she have away my regular appointment time.
Oh well. That was about it.