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Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.
How long have you and your boyfriend been together?
Thank you for the additional information.
It sounds like from your conversation that you are interested in a serious commitment that would provide stability if you are going to be living with your boyfriend. You are concerned for your status as well as stability for your children. You are telling your boyfriend that in order to be together, this is what you need.
On the other hand, your boyfriend seems to be looking at this from his perspective and what he wants. He is interested in a relationship, but he seems to want it on his terms. He does not sound like he is interested in being married as much as he wants things to go his way. He says that he feels what you say is an ultimatum, which indicates that he is feeling forced into marriage. He says he needs time to get used to the idea of having a baby. That may mean that he does not yet feel ready to accept responsibility.
His message to you also seems to say that at the sign of any conflicts, he questions the relationship. That may mean that he does not feel the relationship can handle much conflict, or at least he may not feel he can handle conflict. He indicates that he has not had conflicts in past with anyone (how that is possible with an ex in his background I'm not sure) and immediately puts it on you, indicating that he sees your requests as attacks and part of a behavior issue you have (did you fight with your ex like that?). This may be a sign that he sees your feelings as a problem rather than something that is legitimate and worthy to consider.
Overall, his reaction to your concerns indicate that there may be some maturity problems which lead to commitment issues. He seems to feel his feelings are more important, at least in this situation.
You can try to approach him in a different way. It may take being less confrontive with him because of his reaction. The trick is to get him to hear what you are saying without putting up his defenses.
It may benefit you both to see a counselor or pastor over this conflict. That way, there is someone who can show him that your feelings are just as important as his. And you can have your concerns heard.
I hope this has helped,
No your request is not unhealthy at all. It is very realistic. You need stability for your unborn child as well as your other children. Like you said to him, marriage provides you with a guarantee of a father for your children through commitment. A man who is not willing to commit now shows you that he will probably not be there in the long run. Asking you to just trust him is a little narcisstic on his part. He shows he is not considering your feelings in this but only his. It also shows that he feels your feelings and rights are not as important.
It sounds like he may be emotionally abusive. If he is blaming you for all the arguments and you feel bad when he is angry with you, that is a sure sign.
It might help you a lot to talk to someone about how you feel. If you are feeling guilty and fearful in your relationship there could be an underlying issue that is attracting you to men who abuse. And it is an easy pattern to fall into once you are abused once. It affects your self esteem and ability to see yourself as worthy.
You're welcome! I am happy to help.
It is a good idea to talk with someone about this. I'm glad you have sought help before. It is a sign that you are very healthy. You will get through this. The support of therapy will help.
If you ever need to talk again, let me know. I would like to help.