I need help with problem solving techniques and an honest opinion. My boyfriend and I are pregnant. He wanted me to move in his house (sell my house) but I refused without a commitment. I already have been divorced and have a 5 and 3 year old. I would like your opinion on the exchange of emails. Is there something I should have done better? He wants to stay together and make it work but I feel he has some passive aggressive behaviors. He said I am emotionally abusive. Please give me your opinion and advice. Was I being out of line and harsh? Was he avoiding solving our problems? He did
call after and say he still wants to make things work. Thanks!
Me: "I've been thinking about our conversation. I have been listening to you for almost a year going on and on how you want to be married and now you go back/forth. It seems you don't know what you want. That is fine but I can't put my kids future and my future in the hands of someone that doesn't know what he wants. In my opinion couples work harder to get through problems when they know they have a future together. Given our conversation last night I won't put my house on the market. I will not jump from this house to an apartment to your house while being at the mercy of your "decision." That is utter and complete nonsense, not to mention bad for the kids. What happens if I move in and you decide you don't want us to live there? I will have no property and no where to go. I will be trapped and have less rights by being unmarried. On the other hand you should not feel pressured into a proposal that you don't want. I desire stability and can have that by staying in my house. We can become co parenting friends if I feel our relationship isn't progressing. Then I'll be freed up to find a man that wants to commit for life. What I want is a loving, passionate, devoted, fun life long relationship with my soulmate that doesn't change his mind about the relationship every other week. ;) You'll get all the perks of having a wife without making me your wife. I'm not doing that. I am just hurting myself and kids that way. I want to be a better example to my kids. I love you and hope you can understand where I am coming from. I know what is important to me and good for my children. I have a vision of what I want to do with my life the next 40-50 years.....live a happy life with my kids and soulmate, help others and constantly learn/grow.
Him: "Why do you do this to me… If this isn’t an ultimatum, I don’t know what is. This is part of the reason I started to pull away. I can’t just all of a sudden say “OK, now you’re pregnant so we have to get married & move in together right away”. It has been 6 days that we have known you are having my child, just give me some time to adjust to this new reality in my life. Of course engagement & marriage are things that are on my mind & goals that I have for us now more than ever before. A proposal like that should come naturally & be something we both want & can’t live without. I still totally think it can happen. I'm just unsure because we have had some conflicts lately. I've never conflicted a few times a week over a couple months with anyone. Did you fight with your ex like that? I don't think you should be making that decision about not selling your house. You can't afford it anyway and will need my place to live."
Me: "Why do I do this to you? Are you kidding me? Sweetheart, it is not an ultimatium at all. It is a "me" timatum. I need to do what is best for me and the kids. To be honest with you, you are the one that should feel lucky that I would even consider marrying you to begin with. Look at our history and how many issues you have brought to the relationship that I had to "accept" or get over. You lied to me about being married and then kept changing the dates as to when you were leaving your wife. I stopped seeing you because you wanted to continue living a lie. I have tried to overlook the past and hope we could make it ok. Up until this point I didn't want any other man but you. However, all this hesitation crap is just BS and I'm tired of the indecisivness. Conflicts happen and are normal. It is how things are handled that matters. Yes I can afford my own house and have since I've been on my own for almost a year since Ludo left. I'm just standing up for myself."
Him: "You are unrealistic beyond all belief. The type of fighting we have in our relationship is not in any way NORMAL. If this is how you have perceived a NORMAL relationship, I assume that is because you have never been part of one or seen how “happy” people go about their lives. This is not all your fault, but I know what a good relationship is. I have had many very good ones in my life. I do not think I could ever be truly happy in a relationship with you. You do not help bring out the best in me."