Hi there!! I want you to try something: picture a flashing red stop sign in your mind, and let your thoughts crash into a giant mountain of mattresses and pillows. Stop cold there. Then I want you to think for a second if I paint my nails, will I be doing something wrong?? Probably not wrong, as it is just decorating a part of my body, a part that grows out on its own. Then I want you to prove to me that if I color my hair I will be selling my soul. Although I am just decorating my body... just ike my nails. Or wearing clothes or shoes or make-up. So, once you can prove that to me... we will move forwards... ;-) You are not ridiculous; you are just experiencing some irrational fears, fears, which when worked on rationally, can be disputed. It takes work and practice, but can be managed.
Wondering: have you asked the Dr. recently about a possible increase or change of medications? Because after all these years, you may just be a bit resistant to the dosage... it could be that simple!!
I see that you are offline; I don't think that you are being ridiculous in anyway to ask for help when you are wanting to rid yourself of these thoughts and compulsions; I think you should be commended for reaching out!! I hope my very short answer was somewhat helpful to you; I will check back to see if you have any further questions or information to share. You can get past this; and you will get past this!!!!!! You can get control over it; check with the Dr... and let me know what happens!!!!!! Thank you for using the site--- my very best to you!!!!!!! :-)
And, one more additional thought: your hair is right now stripped of color, correct? And, while it was colored, nothing bad came upon you, correct? The only thing that happened were your thoughts that frightened you, but you were completely physically safe during this time, correct? With some work, you can start to argue that these fears are actually irrational by proving that in fact, nothing horrible happened. This is what Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, otherwise known as CBT, can do to help you move beyond these thoughts... to prove them wrong. So, along with a check-up with the Dr., it may be time for a visit with a therapist to get this managed once a for all... so that you can go back to being a mom and a whole person, free of compulsions, anxiety or fear. I will be rooting for you!!! :-)
Hi!! I see you are now online!! Does any of my answer make some sense to you or do you have further questions?
Well, I will check back to see if you have further info to share... until then, take good care!! :)
One more thought: have you done some research on the development of OCD? I'm sure that you probably have, but I am attaching one link that explains one view of it:
When I read your question of "What's wrong with me?" I thought that maybe you would feel somewhat supported by reading about the biology/chemistry of the condition and how the brain's impulses just get stuck in a loop. Serotonin production may be inhibited in the body, and that is why the SSRI's are helpful to take to help to combat the chemical imbalance that may contribute to the disorder. You will get this managed, and let me know the outcome! Take good care!!!!!!!!!