How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC Your Own ...

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Im Surety dating Mike

Customer Question

I'm a Surety for my friend Mike and I became physically involved with him immediately after he got released from jail. I have known Mike and his wife Beth for ten years. Mike and I had a mutual crush from the first day we met. Most of the time his marriage has been under constant strain and endless marriage counselling. Beth was heavily flirting with men throughout the marriage that was evident to all their friends. He never cheated on her. Beth ended up cheating on Mike and filed for divorce a year ago. She was married before and cheated on her first husband many times. They have no kids. She didn't want them. Mike and I have been corresponding for a few years and once he suggested we "hook up", I refused because I did not believe in adultery. As soon as his wife filed for a divorce he was left devastated and we started to spend a lot of time together. Unfortunately, I made the mistake and we had sex, which I quickly ended, as I did not want to become the rebound woman. I liked him a LOT and we continued to correspond on a daily basis. His wife then made accusations towards him that put him in jail. In Canada a mere accusation made by the wife can place the man in jail until the trial. I knew for a FACT that these accusations were fabricated. While in jail he asked me for help. I obtained a lawyer and became his Surety. The conditions were that he had to reside at my house, but was not under house arrest. So all of a sudden Mike and I were living together under court order. We immediately threw ourselves into a relationship. His parents are from another country and had known me from the past. They were thrilled he was getting a divorce and adored me. Mike asked us to be exclusive and promised me a trip to Europe, and the moon. His parents were excited and were practically pushing him into this new relationship. As much as I really liked Mike, I was apprehensive about the speed and intensity everything was developing, - I felt I was still the rebound woman. On top of that I was his Surety, which is essentially his jailor. He then started talking constantly about his soon to be ex-wife. I started to feel uncomfortable and told him to consult his psychiatrist about our situation, thinking we should cool it until he could properly mourn the loss of his marriage. The psychiatrist agreed. Mike and I decided to put our sexual relationship on pause. Since we were living together, he did occasionally come to by bedroom in the middle of the night for sex. I like him a lot, but I reminded him of our agreement. Then everything started to go downhill. He was loosing interest in me quickly and was constantly talking about his wife. He started to drink a lot. We were started arguing more and more. He started avoiding me, and staying in his room. It just got worse. He started resenting me and we fought loudly every night. I tried to be as nice as I could but I couldn't stand the non stop discussions about his wife. He talked about her in glowing terms and never expressed any anger towards her, even after all the rotten things she did to him. I felt that he started to project all his anger towards me. The first chance he had to go out of town with his buddies he hooked up with the first woman that same night. She is married with 4 kids. They are now involved in a secret adulterous affair, which he denies. I'm positive they are having an affair. She lives in another city and Mike and her are glued on the internet affair between their weekend get togethers. Ever since their hook up Mike and I haven't spoken a word with each other. He's staying at his buddies place, occasionally coming by my place to pick up mail. He denies the affair and tells me I'm his best friend in the whole world. I told him bluntly that I know about his affair, which he denies naturally. We will not talk to me on the phone or return my e-mails. In the past he used to always tell me how much he disrespects anyone in an extramarital affair. Now it seems that he is actually falling in love with this married woman. I'm still his Surety and I'm making sure that we comply with court order. With one phone call I can say I no longer want to be his Surety and he would go back to jail. No matter how hurt and jealous I am, I would never do that and I think he knows it. He can't get another Surety and in that sense we are trapped for many months. He'll be back living with me next week, but it will be periodically out of necessity. I was falling in love with this man for a long time, and now I'm his 'Jailer'. He resents me. How do I live with him and endure being the witness to him falling in love with his new affair,-a married woman. Which one of us is the rebound relationship? As much as I love him, I don't want to resume anything with him. He hurt me too much, with more hurt to come. How do I deal with this very unique situation? Help.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

It sounds like Mike tries to manipulate the situation to get what he needs. He told you early on when he was still with this wife that he would not cheat, possibly to get your sympathy because his wife was cheating on him. Then he changes gears and wants to be with you before his marriage is over, which you mentioned you felt was cheating. Now after telling you he loves you and having a relationship with you to the point you became his Surety, he gets involved with someone else, leaving you stuck watching over him so he doesn't go to jail.

 

This situation has hurt you deeply. Getting Mike out of your life is ideal, but since you cannot, you will need to find ways to cope with how he treats you and his behavior around this new woman.

 

The first thing you can do is set boundaries. As much as possible, keep Mike's things in certain areas of your home, areas that you do not use often. When he is not in your home, take his things and lock them in the room or storage space. That way, you do not see reminders of him all around you and it won't feel as if he is living there.

 

Also, set boundaries with his behavior. I'm not sure how much control you do have over what he does, but if you can, tell him what you expect from him while he is with you. Limits on internet time, chores, errands or things like that can keep him busy, help you, and keep your relationship on the surface rather than intimate. It changes your role as well.

 

Try emotionally removing yourself from his life. See him as a temporary inconvenience. Try to block out any thing about his personal life. If he tries to bring up his new relationship, change the subject. Stick to topics having to do with his situation only.

 

This may have been a rebound relationship for Mike. But it is more likely that Mike has personality issues and uses others. If that is the case, then no relationship he has is going to last long. He will probably not be able to settle with one person.

 

On the other hand, your feelings were genuine and you were hurt badly by Mike's actions. It may take you some time to heal. That will be difficult when you have to be involved in his life for the next few months. You may want to try maintaining a distance from him emotionally and as much as you can physically until he is out of your life and you can let go and mourn the relationship. Be sure to take care of yourself and allow yourself time to recover. Try removing all reminders of him so it is easier. Talk to friends and family for support and if you feel it's needed, talk to a counselor as well. It will help you let go and move on.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5424
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
"Kate"
Mike and I have not seen each other or spoken one word since his affair started with the married woman
a month ago. He has sent a few texts about how I'm the only true friend he has and what I did for him will bond us for life.

He started drinking a lot a few weeks after he got out of Jail as a reaction to the horrible allegations that his wife made. His personal belongings along with his computer were taken by her and she there's doctored photos of him with a gun, which has already been proven to be fake. The worst trouble Mike was ever in was a speeding ticket, so he was traumatized while spending two weeks in jail. He's now made plans with his doctor to stop the drinking.

For years Mike has always been so supportive of me and had a massive crush on me since the first day we met. We both had high moral values, which is why we never messed around. He comes from a very good family.

It seems to me that he went from one emotionally unavailable woman to this new woman who is very similar to his ex-wife. Jealousy seems to really work on him like magic. I've never used that tactic and I think that perhaps I never gave him the opportunity to "chase" me.

Mike is also very attracted to me, and was so proud to show me off as I'm considerably more attractive then the two game playing women. I'm sorry to sound so superficial, but I'm only mentioning it to see if it may shed any new light to this situation. Mike and I also shared many deep personal things that I know he never shared with another person. He told me that so many times, and I do know he was telling the truth.

Could this episode he's going through be "acting out" because he feels trapped by me being his Surety, his "Jailor" ? And also the overzealous reaction from his parents about the two of us ? I hate to even entertain the idea of having hope for Mike, but I must ask.

I'm going to see him in a couple of days for the first time since his affair begun. He's petrified at having to face me. My last e-mail to him was that I consider any future relationship between us over for good.

But, darn it, I can't help thinking he's "the one" for me. I can't think straight. Any words of wisdom?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It could be that he is acting out from the stress he has been under. It depends a lot on how he has acted when he was under stress before. If he tends to try to avoid his problems and seek out comfort through drinking or something similar, then it may show a pattern to his behavior. That would mean that his actions now are about stress.

 

Another consideration is that he feels his relationship with you is special. Sometimes men will see one woman as different than other women and they will consider that person the "ideal". They will act out with other women but always idealize the one woman who they put on a pedestal, always seeing her as the one person they feel most loved by. Being that you are his Surety, this adds weight to this possibility. Because of the nature of your relationship (you in an almost parental role over him) he may idealize you even further. If he is doing this with you, then he needs to realize it, seek counseling to help him deal with his feelings and start over with you.

 

It seems obvious that he has feelings for you. Whether or not you can reconnect at a healthy level based on his feelings is up in the air. You may need to wait until he is through this situation with the courts and his ex to see how he reacts. If he settles down and keeps expressing interest in you, then you may want to consider trying again. I would recommend counseling, however, before you try to start the relationship again. Mike needs to be sure he has no issues that would interfere with your relationship and end up hurting you again.

 

Kate

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education