Thank you for your reply.
I can imagine how sad and anxious you must be feeling about this situation.
It sounds like you have had mood disorder such as depression and anxiety. Perhaps, you may have been vulnerable to depression since childhood.
You have been under lots of stress
- you stated you've lost 7 close family members for the past five years. Also, you got pregnant and had an abortion. This is a very very difficult situation.
I wonder if you have family support now.
Definitely, you have difficulty managing overwhelming emotions (pain) especially at night when you are alone or before going to bed.
This is common for people with depression and anxiety to get more anxious when they go to bed and try to sleep at night.
Ideally, you shouldn't be alone.
You should be with your family member.
If that's not possible, you may call your friends or family (or your therapist) when you feel really sad and anxious at night.
You may need to stick with treatment - individual and group therapy in inpatient or outpatient settings.
You may benefit from Dialectical-Behavior therapy (DBT) or Psychodynamic
therapy to manage your overwhelming emotion.
If you want to hurt yourself, you may contact your family and go to an emergency room of a local hospital. If you are in crisis now, seek help immediately. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to reach a 24 hour crisis center or dial 911 for immediate assistance.
I hope you stick to ongoing treatment. You may need ongoing support and advice from a psychotherapist, your doctor and/or a support group.
You are only 20 year old. Don't give up hope.
Please let me know if I have overlooked any or you have more questions. Warm regards,