The thing is, Kate, I didn't know what they would do - I couldn't be sure what I was gaining. but I DID
know what I was giving to them - I didn't know the full consequences and maybe not how much it would affec tme. But I did know I was giving them something I shouldn't. But I didn't think it through at thetime, totally. I couldn't think much. I knew it killed me to say those things and do those things, but I was so scared of the bottle. it's like I couldn't see past the pain and the potential additional pain. Are there certain things you are supposed to be willing to die for or endure pain for?
you knwow what else irks me? The mean one told me I would neverhave sex with any guy again. I don't know why he said that -- it was kind of in the context of him telling me I enjoyed it and I was lucky to have him do these things. But he was right. At least so far. It was kind of dumb, because I tihnk at that point his better bet would have been to conclude I wouldn't have sex again because he was tearing me up. But maybe he didn't even know that. Do you think he understood how bad he was hurting me? I think the other one did. How could he not? Did he think that much blood was normal?
I know you are right about my parents. I didn't see it AT ALL until a few months ago. But you are right. I always knew they loved me, though. It's funny - I always considered them so non-judgmental. But that's because they didn't have an issue with the bigger stuff - sex, drinking, etc. But it turns out they were judgmental on the very basic level.
My grandparents and great grandparents and other relatives (on my father's side) commented as I was growing up that I was a very affectionate child and always climbing on all their laps. They didn't mind, and I was so small for my age. But it makes sense now -- I wasn't getting it at home. My great aunt just told me while I was home that I used to walk down to their house (I don't know how old I was, but we moved before I turned 3, so I was no older than 2) when they were sitting on their porch and just go sit on their laps. I guess I kind of knew how to get what I wanted, huh?
My brother and sister havegood and loving and caring instincts with their children (to my parents' dismay). We all do. I'm perhaps the least feeling of all 3 of u as adults, but am very caring and protective of those I love.
It was interesting, and kind of stung -- Saturday night we were playing cards with P's brother and sister in law, and we were talking about someone dying by falling off a 4 foot ladder and hitting their head. i said it was hard to understand how someone could die that way - because when I was in first grade, I fell head-first off the top of a jungle gym onto asphault and only got knocked out and a concussion. P's sister-in-law (who, by the way, is the same person who told me I lack affect, and who is the head of learning disability stuff or a school system in Phoenix) said "that explains a lot." We were all laughing, and she said, well - you maintined your intelligence, but maybe it knocked out your emotions. I was like "ouch." She was serious - not about it being the cause - but about my lacking emotions. I was taken aback. I must seem heartless to people who don't know me as well. It really kind of hurt my feelings.