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I agree, you did have control over yourself to a small extent. But your choices were limited by what was going on. And you had no information to base your decisions on. How are you supposed to make good choices based on the limits and no information? How could anyone? What you end up with is a guess. And it is a guess made under physical and psychological duress. If there was any responsibility, it was so limited by the situation it could be considered insignificant.
My heart breaks thinking of you as an innocent child who only wants to be held and cared but is made to feel flawed because of it. It is not babying you (which would be a term used by emotionally repressed caregivers). It is giving you the touch and contact you desired. Every child deserves physical comfort. I am sorry that you had to go through that.
Of course it was your choice not to tell your parents. But it was a choice based on a logical and emotional deduction. You understood your parents behavior and expectations of you. Based on that, you decided that it would be more painful to suffer through their lack of care and concern than it was to withhold the information from them and deal with it yourself. That is not much of a choice. It would be very different if your parents were caring and loving and you decided not to tell them. That says there is something going on with you. But in this case, this was a decision based on your parent's behavior. And you must have felt it was a good decision because you stand by it even today.
Yes, it is unfair that you did not get to turn to your parents and get what you needed. But it is amazing that even through you grew up without getting what you needed and still cannot get it, you see the importance of giving yourself to your niece should she ever (God forbid) have that happen to her. It is very important to acknowledge how healthy that is, Shay.
Telling your parents would not help you. From what you have told me about them, I gather that they have no insight into how emotionally removed they are from themselves and everyone else. They have shut down their feelings and function instead through intellectual judgment. And that will not change unless they see the need to change, or God changes them.
You mentioned that your parent's have self supporting, responsible kids. That is great, but it has less to do with them and more to do with how all of you reacted to what they did. And there were consequences. Your sister is critical, your brother shuts it all out and you have suffered with what happened to you and your parents lack of support. Many abused children grow up to be responsible people. It has a lot to do with who they are, the support and other circumstances and how they responded to the abuse. But that does not make abuse right.
Try to stay with your anger. It is a natural response to what you have been through.
Have a good day, Shay!
.OKMH53016130 My son is very anxious. He gets like