It sounds like a big weight has been lifted off your shoulders with you no longer having to be on the praise team. It's good you worked it out. You can really use a break.
Looking at the "they took, you didn't give" - by breaking it down by saying that technically you did give really doesn't address what happened. It is taking the psychological coercion factor out of it and saying that being forced to choose between getting physically ripped apart and doing what they said to do really doesn't matter. Psychological coercion can be an extremely powerful tool in a criminals hands. Many people who are victims of crimes cooperate so they are not physically hurt. How many times have you heard of someone doing that? Even the police advise doing what a criminal says to save your own life.
You do not deserve to pay for anything that happened to you. Just because you made a choice under psychological duress does not mean you are at fault. You had to choose between one bad thing and another. Either you did what they said and had a chance to survive, or you took a risk and refused and hoped that they did not hurt you further or even killed you. What kind of choice is that?
Also, you did not know what they were going to do so you had nothing to base your decision on. You didn't know these guys. So your decision had to be based totally on the situation, while you were being brutalized in a horrible way. How in the world can that be your fault no matter what you decide?
What you did with them is in no way mutual sex. Mutual sex is really consenting sexual contact and you did not consent to this, even if you agreed to do what they asked of you. Since you did what they asked under duress, that cannot be considered consent. What you did then moves to the category of force through psychological trauma. When someone is made to choose under psychological trauma, they cannot be responsible for what they do.
What these guys did to you may be your whole sex life, to this point. But that is only because you were so brutalized, physically and psychologically. That does not mean you would not have made different choices for yourself if you could have. It plays a part in what choices you did make because of what they did to you. Just as an abused child might make different choices based on what happened to her, especially regarding relationships, you did the same. It also does not mean that you won't be able to have a relationship and sex as you recover from this. Anyone who has gone through a trauma cannot just ignore that trauma and carry on in their lives. They have to stop and deal with it in one way or another. And that is what you are doing. Once you work through this, it will change for you and you will find that you can move on and get what you want out of your life.
One day you will find that you will be fine. You are well on your way right now. I always say that anyone who reaches out for help will not only get it, but is almost guaranteed to get better. I think this is very true for you.
Good night, Shay. I hope this is another good night for you with no bad dreams!