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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5460
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate.........................................finally!!

Customer Question

Kate.........................................finally!!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Wow, that is some quote.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Am I playing a lonely game?

Dear Kate,

Sorry, I fell asleep still online while you were gone last night. At least I slept.

Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX everything you say is right, and I must be strong about this, but I feel totally devastated and don't know how I will cope. Well, I do, I'll talk to you! :)

D will have to go on a shelf for a day or two while I deal with K in my head, it is easier to cope with D's anger and abuse than the feelings I have right now. I feel torn up, raw, can't stop the tears, tears like I haven't had for a long long time, don't seem to understand, but I do. Even if I wanted to take her back I know it wouldn't be the same again, we have been too damaged, I too hurt, she too 'responsible'.

I emailed her again last night bc I hadn't heard from her since I sent the email I posted above, didn't know what she was thinking. She replied, hadn't seen my email, has now responded. She was lovely, apologetic, cross with herself for putting on me, but she was blaming herself, and now she says she's rethinking her career. She says good for me saying we must finish, for being strong, for saying No, Enough. She said maybe D was right, that she wasn't the right person to work with me. I won't ever believe that.

She doesn't think it will be good to still do the group therapy bc if I'm not her patient I won't be able to work out the deep issues talked about on an individual basis afterwards. I get it. But upset.

I awoke to immediate tears. I had to get up and on, but no kids stuff to distract me, just chickens to let out, AA to visit. Oh, and my parents :(

I guess I'm just in a really shaky place to have this on top, and it wasn't the way I'd hoped we would end our therapeutic relationship.

I know I'm not alone, thank you

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I went to my aunt's and decided since I feel so utterly bad I would tell D, again, that I can't stay with him anymore, and give D the letter.

I told him, and have given him the letter. I then went straight to my parents, so now they know more than ever. I came home and he had spoken to Sam. D hasn't got mad with me, trying to make excuses why he won't go, trying to say I need support for my fms. I got angry, told him to forget the fms, I AM DEPRESSED BC OF YOU. He was disbelieving.

Sam gave me a hug, but said what am I supposed to do? I said just be supportive of us both, and go with the flow. I asked D not to talk to Poppy about it, he said he's very close to both the kids, he will talk to her about it.

I said to D that I DID have support, I had support for 18 months, but that support has now GONE, K and I are now split. He was shocked, asked why, I said bc of the other night, it had become too dangerous to talk to her. He said you can find someone else in this country. I said I'll have to start all over again, she knows me inside out. He says maybe that's a problem then.

I've such a headache, run out of tears.

Back soon

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Wow Rose, you gave Dave the letter! Good for you! And you stood your ground when he tried to blame your fms (and you, really). You are absolutely right in what you said back to him, he is in denial about the truth. He seems to have no insight that he could have such an effect on you with his abusive behavior.

 

And your response to Sam was right on as well. Sam expressed feeling responsible about what was going on and you told him that his job was to be the kid in the situation and to allow the adults to deal with it. And that is the healthiest role for him to take in this. He should not feel he has to do anything but follow your lead.

 

It is interesting that when you pointed out to Dave that he ruined your relationship with K, he never took responsibility for it. He just wanted to know why then reverted right to his own point of view that you should find someone in your own country. No acknowledgment of your loss and that he caused it, or that you may wish to see someone who you are happy with and that you may not care what country that is in. Just his own point of view, 24/7. It shows how far apart you both are in your emotional health.

 

I am so sorry about K. I said that before, I know, but I feel for your loss. It is very hard to let go. She is right though, you are incredibly strong in deciding that the relationship was not working anymore. It takes a lot of insight and healthy emotional awareness to make such a decision. It shows how far you have come since you started in therapy. You have grown so much, Rose. And it's all because you were willing to work and keep pushing ahead.

 

From what you said, it sounds like K might need some further work on her own issues before she can see others in therapy. What she experienced does happen. Most therapists are advised to see a therapist themselves to be sure what happened to her doesn't occur. But therapists are human and sometimes the past just gets the better of us. Hopefully, she will work it through and the two of you could at least connect as friends in the future.

 

Give yourself some time to mourn your loss. Your relationship with K was important to you and it will probably make you feel sad and at a loss for a while, until you can adjust. Are you both going to stay in contact for a while? That might make it a bit easier, to ease out of the therapeutic relationship.

 

I hope you are feeling better. You have really been through it lately. I'm sorry, Rose.

 

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5460
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Oh Kate,

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX lovely words. I feel bad, but I had to tell K how I was feeling, with lots of toing and froing, but we have agreed that we will talk on Tuesday, to either do a closure session, or decide where to go. There was a big hole in my boat, I was sinking fast, but it has slowed at last. I feel a bit more settled, but sorry that my strength didn't hold up.

D has been reserved and benign, I guess the letter has had an impact, that I won't hesitate to take it to the next step if he becomes abusive towards me. But he has made several attempts at arguing against the letter. The obvious one, not being able to afford to rent. I suggested asking some of his 'many' friends who 'love him', especially his musician friends. He said I know how much it costs to rent round here, if he has to pay rent he'll have nothing to live on. He said he doesn't want to be miles away bc his gear is here. It will be ridiculous coming back here everyday for his tools and bits and pieces. I said you can move them to the stable at my parents field, clear it out, plenty of room. He said yeah, I'm sure your parents would love that. I said they suggested it. Oh, so you've told them then have you? I said yes, just.

I said he could do much better at earning, that his effort was poor this last year, that he hadn't contributed to the household expenses at all this past year, that he'd spent all his profit himself. There was a comment from me about where it gets spent, but I can't think where it came in. He said it's been a difficult year, Mark has been struggling too. He said when (if) he and Mark get together again and get an extension on their books they will be afloat again. I said well, you'll be able to afford the rent then. I said I'll work an extra shift a week to pay for your rent if I have to. He said it's OK for you in your work, it's regular, I said yes, but I had to get the jobs in the first place, something that he doesn't bother to do (look for work, employed OR self employed.) He said anyway, isn't that what marriage is about, the wife supports the husband?????? I wish I'd asked him what he meant by that, not quick enough.

I have been in a state of collapse in my bed this afternoon, he has been out, took Sam to town (not able to talk though bc Sam had a friend with him), didn't speak to me when he got home. I didn't cook any supper, then he went out. I don't expect he ate. He has taken his letter with him, I can't see it anywhere, so maybe he will share it with his musician friends, and they might offer him a place to stay. I so so hope so.

I picked Poppy and her bf up from another town this evening. She is in good spirits. I don't know if Sam has said anything to her, she hasn't mentioned it to me, and now she has friends here. No doubt D will tell her tomorrow, I'm not sure if I should speak to her first.

I'm feeling relieved the letter is out and I have nothing else to do but wait and deal with the fallout. I don't know if I handled it in the best way, but I was glad to have decided to give it to him and give it to him within an hour, and while I thought I couldn't possibly feel any worse than I did then.

I gave both my parents proper, full hugs this morning, that felt so strange, not so much from Dad, but Mum. I said today is not a good day to have me to visit, Mum thought I meant bc it's Saturday, I said no, it's a difficult day. I looked pretty disheveled, with big dark eyes, but they sat and listened quietly, said how sorry they were. I told them that the SS had been involved, they were shocked, so I explained more than I have ever before. They were very sad for the kids. We talked a little about a possible personality disorder, and alcoholism, which would mean that his perception of things is unreal. So, that was all good.

I have to go out later to pick Sam up from town after a gig. I need a rest before I go, being so emotional is totally exhausting! I was talking to Adele on Thursday, it seemed like forever, looked at the clock, and asked if the time was right bc only half an hour had passed!

Back before lights out!

Rose

K did say that if she'd known where my journey in therapy would take us, ie abuse, child protection etc, she may not have agreed to work with me, but this has really highlighted to her that she still isn't through with her own stuff from many years ago. And she is getting peer support, so I hope it will help her.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You're welcome, Rose! It is simply the truth.

 

You were honest with your feelings with K and that is all you can do. What is important here is that you did what you needed to so you could take care of yourself. And you did it with K's feelings in mind. That is exactly what you should do to get your needs met.

 

You have been more than fair in your discussion with Dave about the letter and the fall out from it. Where he lives after he leaves is really his concern, not yours (a wife supports her husband, huh? I was with you on that one with being confused.) But you took the time to talk with him about it, which is much more than he deserves after what he has done to you and the kids.

 

Consider as well that Dave should have thought about the consequences of his behavior with you and the kids. He should know that hurting you, bullying the kids and taking over the house along with not contributing to the family would not get him by forever. I think in this case (and this is my assumption) he counted on you accepting his abuse the rest of your life. He probably made many assumptions and did not think anything through.

 

I do like your comment that Dave should stay with some of his musician friends that "love" him so much. Not to be spiteful but because it is the truth. He said that so many times to you and if it is true, then he should consider it an option for himself. And you were right about his argument regarding not having work. He has just as much chance to find work as you do. You are motivated to go out and find the work, he is not. How many phones calls have you fielded for him for work while he laid in bed, not responding? He could have worked then and kept it going, if he paid attention to his work ethic.

 

You may want to consider talking to Poppy yourself, though it is completely up to you. But Dave will most likely give her his version, which you may not want her to hear without knowing your side of it, the healthier side of the situation!

 

It's great that your parents were so wonderful with you! It's one good thing that has come out of your situation (many more to come, no doubt!). I'm surprised about your mom's openness, but I am very glad too. Maybe this is the start of a change for her and a connection between the two of you.

 

It's just fine that you are taking some time to rest. You have been through so much lately, Rose. Anyone would be exhausted. Emotions can wring it out of you like nothing else. I hope you can treat yourself to some nice downtime (maybe some tea and a nice soak in the bath?) and some good sleep. You did it, Rose. You took a huge step for yourself and for the kids today. You should be proud of yourself :)

 

Good night, Rose.

 

Katex

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5460
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
goodnight Kate,

and thank you, XXXXX XXXXX a smile on my face. I did do it didn't I! I don't think it has sunk in yet, it won't for a while I'm sure. Let's hope it will go all the way without too much more upset.

Rosex

Sorry, not the last post!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

You did do it, my friend, you did. You are amazing. I am smiling right now too!

 

Good night, Rose :) :) :)

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