replied 5 years ago.
thank you, XXXXX XXXXX lovely words. I feel bad, but I had to tell K how I was feeling, with lots of toing and froing, but we have agreed that we will talk on Tuesday, to either do a closure session, or decide where to go. There was a big hole in my boat, I was sinking fast, but it has slowed at last. I feel a bit more settled, but sorry that my strength didn't hold up.
D has been reserved and benign, I guess the letter has had an impact, that I won't hesitate to take it to the next step if he becomes abusive towards me. But he has made several attempts at arguing against the letter. The obvious one, not being able to afford to rent. I suggested asking some of his 'many' friends who 'love him', especially his musician friends. He said I know how much it costs to rent round here, if he has to pay rent he'll have nothing to live on. He said he doesn't want to be miles away bc his gear is here. It will be ridiculous coming back here everyday for his tools and bits and pieces. I said you can move them to the stable at my parents field, clear it out, plenty of room. He said yeah, I'm sure your parents would love that. I said they suggested it. Oh, so you've told them then have you? I said yes, just.
I said he could do much better at earning, that his effort was poor this last year, that he hadn't contributed to the household expenses at all this past year, that he'd spent all his profit himself. There was a comment from me about where it gets spent, but I can't think where it came in. He said it's been a difficult year, Mark has been struggling too. He said when (if) he and Mark get together again and get an extension on their books they will be afloat again. I said well, you'll be able to afford the rent then. I said I'll work an extra shift a week to pay for your rent if I have to. He said it's OK for you in your work, it's regular, I said yes, but I had to get the jobs in the first place, something that he doesn't bother to do (look for work, employed OR self employed.) He said anyway, isn't that what marriage is about, the wife supports the husband?????? I wish I'd asked him what he meant by that, not quick enough.
I have been in a state of collapse in my bed this afternoon, he has been out, took Sam to town (not able to talk though bc Sam had a friend with him), didn't speak to me when he got home. I didn't cook any supper, then he went out. I don't expect he ate. He has taken his letter with him, I can't see it anywhere, so maybe he will share it with his musician friends, and they might offer him a place to stay. I so so hope so.
I picked Poppy and her bf up from another town this evening. She is in good spirits. I don't know if Sam has said anything to her, she hasn't mentioned it to me, and now she has friends here. No doubt D will tell her tomorrow, I'm not sure if I should speak to her first.
I'm feeling relieved the letter is out and I have nothing else to do but wait and deal with the fallout. I don't know if I handled it in the best way, but I was glad to have decided to give it to him and give it to him within an hour, and while I thought I couldn't possibly feel any worse than I did then.
I gave both my parents proper, full hugs this morning, that felt so strange, not so much from Dad, but Mum. I said today is not a good day to have me to visit, Mum thought I meant bc it's Saturday, I said no, it's a difficult day. I looked pretty disheveled, with big dark eyes, but they sat and listened quietly, said how sorry they were. I told them that the SS had been involved, they were shocked, so I explained more than I have ever before. They were very sad for the kids. We talked a little about a possible personality disorder, and alcoholism, which would mean that his perception of things is unreal. So, that was all good.
I have to go out later to pick Sam up from town after a gig. I need a rest before I go, being so emotional is totally exhausting! I was talking to Adele on Thursday, it seemed like forever, looked at the clock, and asked if the time was right bc only half an hour had passed!
Back before lights out!
K did say that if she'd known where my journey in therapy would take us, ie abuse, child protection etc, she may not have agreed to work with me, but this has really highlighted to her that she still isn't through with her own stuff from many years ago. And she is getting peer support, so I hope it will help her.