Thank you Kate,
I don't know what I expected from the SW in response to my letter, but I hoped for something more than she gave me. I was glad, though, that I had written the letter, showed her more than she had gleaned, but she may well have put it down to my perception again. I really hope that I don't flower up anything that goes on here, I don't believe I do.
Dave came in with some flowers for me, and said sorry, I probably had a big ? above my head, bc he said for this morning. I thanked him, but wasn't impressed. I told Poppy about the 'crazy' argument this evening as I was taking her to her bf's house, she said that wasn't very nice, was it! Then I said he'd apologised, and bought me flowers. She said was I pleased? I said I don't really care any more, she said I mean that he apologised, Oh, well, I guess so.
OK. K. I told her on Wed about the SW phone call while I was at Poppy's lesson. I told her what Sam had told her, what she'd heard from D.I told her everything I told you that day, that the Sw asked me how I felt. I was pushed for time, Poppy's lesson had long ago finished and her teacher was mouthing to me through the window. What could I say on the spur of the moment, I wanted the call to finish, what did it matter how I felt anyway, the decision had been made. I told K Sam said they didn't do very well for me.
K's reply was unusual for her, she was angry, and I felt that I'd got it wrong, had let her down, all her worry and therapy had come to nothing, she said she was surprised that I 'dropped it so quickly', that 'In a psychological sense it looks like there was nothing. She was right, you were wrong. You never believed that D has a problem...I think I might have told her I was very FRIGHTENED about the outcome because D had BS'd her about being worried about your FMS ' 'So part of me is surprised that you TOLD her in essence you were relieved. As I told you over and over THIS IS THE MOST DANGEROUS TIME FOR YOU. HE KNOWS YOU ARE ON TO HIM...I would be afraid...but maybe he is just fussing and he isn't drinking the way the kids say???? I don't know, *****. But what I do know is that that's what SHE thinks. She has agreed with Dave - you have a skewed sense of reality because of me."
K has history, I know, and she is reliving it, really. But she has given me a hard time, and I am really very sad
..." Taking a breath...I hope you have a good week. Well you got what u want - it's all over! No sw, no forcing Dave out. You can work it out in court if you decide to leave.(I think that you can't count on Sam...or poppy no matter what he does to them bc this has gone on for so long that it is normal to them. They don't think there is anything odd about his behavior. And bc you are the only one seeing a therapist - they have decided YOU are the crazy one, not the HEALTHY ONE the way I see it...which is disappointing."
"And I know that this has clearly stirred up my own stuff - which has NOTHING to do with you. So, maybe (and I really REALLY hate to suggest this but I have to think of what is the best for you,)do you want to think about just working with Adele? I have clearly crossed the emotional line... And I want you to get what is best for you"
She is angry at herself, says she let me down, "If you want to just work with Adele - I will support you 100% bc this is my fault. BUT I don't want to make you feel abandoned (ie that you have done something wrong - you haven't this is bc I messed UP. I didn't act as professionally as I should have....and you warned me. You told me "not to worry" and I did.
So think about it- we can chat on tuesday or if you have a gut feeling let me know. In the mean time I am going to get MY act together and pull back so I can be a better therapist if you decide you want to continue working with me. But if you work with Adele - please tell her as much as you can about what happened. How you feel. Have her work with you on the feelings about your kids...they showed a side of them that they never have (Both of them are more like Dave than you - the defiant attitude)"
She blames herself for everything, for what? I tell her, no no, you're not to blame for anything, it's me, I should have worked harder for this, but I was so confused. I sent her my SW letter, I didn't want her to think I was too pathetic. And now I'm very confused, but I have made my mind up. She was terribly sorry, and couldn't excuse herself. There is so much more to it, but that's it in essence
I wrote to her today, but she hasn't responded.....
"My heart is heavy and I can’t stop the tears. When I read your cross email I thought we need a break, I’m not doing this right, and I am causing you upset, which I was very sad about. You cut me up K, you were angry with me, I’ve just read it again. Why were you blaming yourself though? I have a brain in my head, I need to take responsibility for the way things turned out, and until I wrote to the SW I was beating myself up, bc my emotions got the better of me, and I couldn’t cope with the turmoil the family was in, and I wanted to protect the kids from anymore emotional upheaval. I feel better having written to her and told her how I feel about things.
As I read your email I can hear your emotional voice, picture your face, imagine you throwing your hands up in despair, and I feel I have let you down, that you have tried so hard for me, written to the SW, my GP, and it’s all been wasted bc I have said that I’m relieved. I wished I wasn’t at Poppy’s music lesson, her teacher looking in through the classroom window at me saying the lesson was over, long over, Poppy had gone, I didn’t know where. What did I feel about everything she had just told me? You know me, I need time, but I had none.
K, how was it your fault, why do you think you could have done more? Why are you a shit therapist? Not from where I’m standing. PLEASE. I have never ever thought that you haven’t done enough, always always more than I can ever expect, beyond the call of duty.
I can’t bear to part with you, even just for a while, but I think I have to bc I can’t lie to Adele anymore that I’m not seeing you, that makes me feel bad, that I’m not sharing honestly. I will also have an outreach worker from next week who can help me with D’s abuse, so I will feel supported. I also thought after D’s rock episode that it wasn’t safe to talk to you anymore, bc I can never be sure what he will do next. I don’t want him to think that he has won though, so I won’t tell him. But I will miss you SO much, and now fresh tears are falling, I just have to get through this bit, then Adele will say I can go. She can’t keep me on forever, though she did say 6 sessions, we’ve done more than that.
I want you to feel better about things, please don’t be upset. I hope a break will help you too. I know you are reliving a nightmare
that has torn your heart strings, and I’m so sorry your experience was utterly devastating. I think you are amazing, your heart is bigger than your whole self, and you give give give. So take that breath, I don’t want to go, only you can know how much I mean that, and if I can’t cope without you I will tell you, but you mustn’t take me back unless you think it’s right."
I have asked if I can still meet with the group, I will see how I feel tomorrow.
It's all got a bit too much for me, and I'm really struggling. I should have taken the opportunity while the kids were out to talk to D, but I can't bring myself to. We have to move to the next stage, letter and out.
Goodnight Kate, thank you for listening