Thank you for sharing your letter to the social worker with me. I think it's a good idea that you wrote her. You made some very good points about your situation. Most of all, you let her know how Dave uses your condition as an excuse for his behavior and how he acts with you and with the kids.
The evidence that you presented was good as well. She can check out any DUI's Dave has, as well as a police record from the DUI and the accident, which probably should have been done during the initial investigation if it was at all allowed. Also, you described Dave's personality and how he handles interactions with others very well. It gives anyone who reads your letter a clear picture of someone who manipulates and has narcisstic traits.
I don't think I was aware that Dave had made a general homicidal threat a few weeks ago. Did you and I talk about that?
Also, the physical abuse that Dave inflicts on you and the kids, especially stomping on Sam's bare foot with his boot may be something to add, if you want to. And he also locked you out of the house, and even though that was a while ago, it still indicates a threat that has hung over your head for years. And Dave throwing stones at your window (and near you) and threatening you last week when you were talking to K is also significant. K may be able to provide support as a witness to that incident.
Overall, it's a great letter and it's good you sent it. That way, it is at least on record in case you need to involve the Social worker again. And most importantly, sending the letter provided you with a voice in all of this. You defended yourself from being seen as the enemy here and you canceled out Dave's accusations that this is all about you being "ill". That is an important step for you. You fought back and that is a sign that the strong part of you is coming out.
Adele is right, there is only one way. Giving Dave the letter now would help continue what you have started with the social worker involvement. You are on a bit of a momentum with this letter to the social worker. You could keep this letter as a reminder of why you need to give Dave the letter. It might help.
Talk with you soon,
I figured that you might have already covered that ground with the social worker. Those incidents stand out in my mind as to how abusive he is.
I'm sure you did tell me about what he said regarding the homicidal feelings. Now that you have described it again, I recall what you had said. Thanks for reminding me.
You wrote a lot today! It makes since that you need a break and some sleep. Good night, Rose. You are always in my thoughts.
Rose, I'm sorry. There is so much going on in your life right now that you are coping with. I feel stressed just reading about it so I can imagine how you feel.
The response from the social worker was a disgrace. It didn't seem that she knew what to do or it could be that she didn't want to do it. Either way, she wasn't doing her job. But it is still good that you got that letter out. It helped you to write it and express how you felt and have the chance to defend yourself.
It makes sense that you needed to talk with Sam about what is going on with you and Dave. Sam models Dave a lot in his expectations of you, especially evident with asking you to respond to Dave and wanting you to be more open with him. It also can be that Sam doesn't see the whole picture of what is going on. But after you talked with him, he seems to understand better. The only thing I'd caution you on is making sure the boundaries between you and Sam are there. He is almost an adult so there is a pull to see him as another adult. But he is a child in this situation and needs to be treated as such. He already crosses some boundaries with criticizing you and your reaction to Dave. It's certainly not something to be overly concerned about, but just cautious.
It sounds like from your description of the argument with Dave that he has not changed one ounce from the social worker involvement. I wasn't expecting him to, but it would have been good for it to have an impact on him.
I am so sorry about K, Rose. I know from your posts that the two of you were really close and that you worked on a lot of issues together. I hope you are still able to work it out, but if not, it may be more healthy to let it go, for now. K's transference can do more harm to you than good. Would you still be part of her group if you stopped seeing her for individual therapy?
I haven't heard back from you tonight so I hope all is ok.
That is quite a lot going on between you and K. There is a lot of boundary crossing. Both of you are right, this has gotten to the point that K's past is mixing in with your present situation. Her job is to guide you and that does not include mixing her feelings in there, confusing you and bringing out guilt for you. It does not benefit you to know her past or have her personal opinion on your reaction to the social worker's visit. K sounds like she cares very much for you. But the email read more like a friendship rather than a therapeutic type of interaction. And she is correct in saying that this is about her issues and she needs to step back for a while to work them through. She can't help your speck if she has a board in her own eye.
In the meanwhile, this has stirred up some bad feelings for you. I sensed some guilt (well, a lot of it. But you tell me what you feel), sadness and a deep need to please K. The situation brought out your co dependency symptoms, which you do not need to experience with K. You need to be focused on your issues with Dave and the kids, not with your therapist.
You also don't want to let this situation with K push you into something you are not motivated to do yourself. You have to be the one who decides to end the marriage. It can't be motivated by someone else. It is important that you decide because it means you will gain self confidence through your own actions. You will not gain from motivation borrowed from someone else. You will only end up staying in the same place if that happens.
I hope you are doing ok. I get worried when I get quick posts from you saying you are upset then I cannot contact you until the next day. If you can, just drop me a quick post in the a.m. and let me know if you are doing ok.
Good night, Rose. Sleep tight.