Wow Rose. I know that you didn't want the social worker to do anything significant, but to just ignore the situation and give weight to what Dave says is really amazing. I can imagine that you feel wronged and that all you have been through is swept under the rug.
I can tell you from my point of view that this is a case where either the situation is not being fully understood, or the skills of the worker are in question. There is clear abuse here and the fact that Sam and Poppy brushed it under the rug and Dave blamed it on you should have sent up huge red flags.
But the most important point here is that your feelings and struggles have been dismissed. I understand your feeling that you want Dave to have some of his comeuppance now that he has taken the situation and blamed it on you. You did not make something out of nothing, and everyone around you can see that. You could never describe what you have told me in that kind of detail unless you had actually been through it. And you could not create the individual responses to the abuse just out of your imagination. No one is that good. So this is not a case of making a mountain out of a molehill.
But I will tell you Rose, your feelings are very normal. It is so common for abuse victims to feel they don't want to rock the boat and that they are making a bigger deal of the situation than it really is. It is the nature of abuse to wear you down until you feel no bigger than a mouse, just making too much noise.
You do have it in you to find that strength again. It is there. I saw it and you experienced it. Even other people like Adele were saying you seemed stronger. It should be our focus to get back that strong woman and work with her to make her larger and more intense. She needs to take over here and do what is good for herself and the kids.
What do you think?
You're welcome! I want to be here for you, anytime. I wish I could be by your side now, a place to lay your burdens for a while.
Dave is never going to feel he is wrong unless he gains insight into his issues. Part of his defense is believing that he is always right, for to let go of that, he would probably feel like nothing. No one who has to talk so loud, blame everyone else and deny their own alcoholism is going to have a good self esteem. So anytime he is threatened, Dave is going to deflect and defend his position. That leaves it up to you to be the healthy one, seeing him for what he is and making the decision to move away from the emotional dysfunction to a better place for you and the kids.
Writing the social worker is tempting, but what you can look at here is why you feel the need. Why is her confirmation of your situation so important? You know you are being abused, and you know the truth about Dave. Finding the worth in your own knowledge is important. Your opinion is the most powerful one, because you matter most. Standing your ground and saying "this is how it is" is a good goal for you. It helps your self esteem, and inner strength (that strong woman part of you!) to acknowledge that your opinion matters most. Others can have an opinion as well, but you don't have to rely on them to give value to your situation.
I can tell from your post that your feelings are all over the place. You go from needing the stamp of approval from the social worker and giving in to Dave's opinion to defying Dave and moving towards blocking him out. It's ok that you feel this way. It's actually a good sign. I do not think that you would have even considered going against Dave last year. It shows that you are ready to push even further ahead towards your goal.
I'm not sure about K's confusion with the kids. I think it is what I mentioned in the previous post, the kids are following the abuse protocol. They are turning their back on you because they see Dave doing it and think that is the what they should do. They are too young to know any different or to go against Dave and face the shame and fear. I don't think Mark has anything to do with it since he has not been a big figure in this situation. No one has mentioned him either, which would be a sign he was a factor.
I forgot to mentioned to you that I had not heard of K's group before. I hope that it helps you. And I'm sorry that K's counter transference is interfering in your therapy. I'm sure she will get it sorted out and things will settle.
Have a good night! Sleep well. I'll be thinking of you.