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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5459
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer Question

Hello Kate...........................................
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Soon, indeed!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Today isn't my day..............

This is copied from previous Q, but I couldn't delete it from there....

Hi Kate,

thank you. I have been in a poor state of mind all day, but am feeling better this evening. Adele hasn't got back to me today, maybe she has a day off. I see her at the end of the day tomorrow.

While I was at work, Sam had a call from the SW, and he said he talked for 45 mins. He was polite, and answered her questions, said he felt that he and Poppy were as much a problem as D himself, and that often they would get upset with something that he was or wasn't doing (I wish someone would come live here and try it for themselves!)

I had to take Poppy for her music lesson later, we had a good banter in the car, but didn't mention anything about the SW. She (the SW) rang while we were there, said that she had spoken to Sam, that he was polite and eloquent, apologised for the way he spoke on Monday when she phoned, and that she had a long chat. She said that he had similar views to Poppy about the incident, that it was fairly insignificant, and that he could barely remember it. He told her that there was alot of anger between D and P and S, and that sometimes they were to blame for D's outbursts. He said that he has had counselling, and it was suggested that everyone has anger management counselling, which he agreed would be beneficial.

She said P wouldn't speak to her yesterday, but she had advised the school that a counsellor should be made available to her, if she feels she wants to talk.

She said she spoke to D this morning, that he denied he had a problem with alcohol, and doesn't need to address it. He was saying that my issues are with fibromyalgia, and that he was genuinely concerned about my health. She said that D really doesn't like my American therapist, I asked if she got K's email, said yes, but seems to just see it as anger towards K.

She talked about ways that the family could be strengthened, family counselling etc.

She said that at this point she isn't planning on taking it any further, but she needs to run it by her manager once again, but as far as she is concerned, she will close the file. That doesn't mean that it can't be re-opened again if further discussion is needed, and I can be in touch at any time.

She asked me how I felt about the conclusion. I said I felt relieved that I don't need to worry about it, watch my back, but I also felt that I was making something out of nothing, that it's OK to behave the way he does (I didn't say that) I felt lost again, but I have worked through and am feeling now like I want to give D a hard time in return, if there is NO consequence for his behaviour, why should there be for me. You talk of me needing to make change (I still want out badly, but change will do for starters), I will make a list of changes, he won't like it, but he plans big changes too, he told the kids on Tuesday night. We shall see.

D hasn't spoken to me since he has come home, he is in his room. I'm not preparing a meal tonight, P and S say they aren't hungry and they will get something later. I have had left overs. D can suit himself.

I am still feeling very unsettled, with that gutted feeling, I don't know what to feel, I'm very muddled. Yes, overwhelming and out of control, I want to hide away, that's where I'm going now. My thoughts of strength have withered, I have gone through so many thoughts and emotions today, including ending it all for good, I can't keep up with my thoughts and feelings.

K tells me she is having peer support to help her with counter transference. I feel bad.

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Wow Rose. I know that you didn't want the social worker to do anything significant, but to just ignore the situation and give weight to what Dave says is really amazing. I can imagine that you feel wronged and that all you have been through is swept under the rug.

 

I can tell you from my point of view that this is a case where either the situation is not being fully understood, or the skills of the worker are in question. There is clear abuse here and the fact that Sam and Poppy brushed it under the rug and Dave blamed it on you should have sent up huge red flags.

 

But the most important point here is that your feelings and struggles have been dismissed. I understand your feeling that you want Dave to have some of his comeuppance now that he has taken the situation and blamed it on you. You did not make something out of nothing, and everyone around you can see that. You could never describe what you have told me in that kind of detail unless you had actually been through it. And you could not create the individual responses to the abuse just out of your imagination. No one is that good. So this is not a case of making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

But I will tell you Rose, your feelings are very normal. It is so common for abuse victims to feel they don't want to rock the boat and that they are making a bigger deal of the situation than it really is. It is the nature of abuse to wear you down until you feel no bigger than a mouse, just making too much noise.

 

You do have it in you to find that strength again. It is there. I saw it and you experienced it. Even other people like Adele were saying you seemed stronger. It should be our focus to get back that strong woman and work with her to make her larger and more intense. She needs to take over here and do what is good for herself and the kids.

 

What do you think?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5459
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ah Kate,

thank you, XXXXX XXXXX tomorrow will bring me strength, I have been in a state of collapse since I wrote last, gladly shutting it all out. I do feel wronged, and misunderstood, that he has made it out to be my problem (honestly from his point of view, he doesn't believe he's wrong in any shape or form) and that I feel I want to write to her and tell her a few things, mostly that the kids are NOT angry generally when he isn't around, or when they don't have the stress of the Social Worker on top. Although I want to write to her just to make her understand, and say oh yes, this is not good, I don't want her to do anything about it, other than acknowledge me, that it's not all blown up bc I have 'fibromyalgia'. Stuff fms, it hasn't entered my head to tell her about it, I feel all my emotional problems are bc of him, and when I say I'm not well, I mean with depression bc of him, and not anything to do with the fms. I almost wish I didn't have that diagnosis, she only mentioned it to me today bc I guess D had talked about it, but it wasn't long ago that he told me I probably didn't have it, that it was likely all hormonal.

Yes, the strong woman needs to be found again, I saw he for about 10 minutes this evening when the SW's words had sunk in and I was determined to get back at D. I was even brave enough to be in the same room as D for a few minutes before he left the room without speaking to me. I haven't seen him again. He had a bowl of soup for his supper.

My feelings and thoughts are so turbulent right now I don't know how I'll manage the next few days. I haven't talked to anyone about it today, I was too mixed up, I know I need to. K is confused as to what has been going on with the kids, and has asked me if there is anything about my relationship with D, or S or P that I have omitted to tell her that could have caused the kids to want to abandon me. The only thing I can think of is Mark, but he was intensely interested 2.5 to 3 years ago, I haven't allowed him around for a very long time, I don't know if Poppy knows that mark is leaving his wife in the summer and she thinks it's linked. I've no idea. And she said she doesn't think I have lied to her, I said what might I have lied about? that I have never knowingly lied, could I be deluded? I don't know what that really is. D just says I'm paranoid, maybe I'm incredibly tuned in to what he is like, and I pick up every little detail (but only bc I journal, so much would be lost if I didn't)

Well, if nothing else, it's shaken him up. I will wait for the fallout when he is communicating with me again. Maybe he won't.

Goodnight Kate, thank you for being a level head for me (K isn't terribly! She is still concerned about counter transference)

Rosex
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

You're welcome! I want to be here for you, anytime. I wish I could be by your side now, a place to lay your burdens for a while.

 

Dave is never going to feel he is wrong unless he gains insight into his issues. Part of his defense is believing that he is always right, for to let go of that, he would probably feel like nothing. No one who has to talk so loud, blame everyone else and deny their own alcoholism is going to have a good self esteem. So anytime he is threatened, Dave is going to deflect and defend his position. That leaves it up to you to be the healthy one, seeing him for what he is and making the decision to move away from the emotional dysfunction to a better place for you and the kids.

 

Writing the social worker is tempting, but what you can look at here is why you feel the need. Why is her confirmation of your situation so important? You know you are being abused, and you know the truth about Dave. Finding the worth in your own knowledge is important. Your opinion is the most powerful one, because you matter most. Standing your ground and saying "this is how it is" is a good goal for you. It helps your self esteem, and inner strength (that strong woman part of you!) to acknowledge that your opinion matters most. Others can have an opinion as well, but you don't have to rely on them to give value to your situation.

 

I can tell from your post that your feelings are all over the place. You go from needing the stamp of approval from the social worker and giving in to Dave's opinion to defying Dave and moving towards blocking him out. It's ok that you feel this way. It's actually a good sign. I do not think that you would have even considered going against Dave last year. It shows that you are ready to push even further ahead towards your goal.

 

I'm not sure about K's confusion with the kids. I think it is what I mentioned in the previous post, the kids are following the abuse protocol. They are turning their back on you because they see Dave doing it and think that is the what they should do. They are too young to know any different or to go against Dave and face the shame and fear. I don't think Mark has anything to do with it since he has not been a big figure in this situation. No one has mentioned him either, which would be a sign he was a factor.

 

I forgot to mentioned to you that I had not heard of K's group before. I hope that it helps you. And I'm sorry that K's counter transference is interfering in your therapy. I'm sure she will get it sorted out and things will settle.

 

Have a good night! Sleep well. I'll be thinking of you.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5459
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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