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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5577
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Customer Question

Hey Kate................................................
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Very wise, don't you think?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,
Dr Seuss said go right along, but I don't know which way, I'm lost
Up this morning to get Sam up for the bus, Poppy too. Sam was late last night, a friend stayed over, that was not allowed. He missed the bus, I said hurry, I’ll catch it up. Or you can go with Gemma, neighbour. He was being slow. I said where’s your school bag, he said he’d asked me to get it. COME ON SAM. Somebody said no-ne wants to speak to the SW today, I said fine, I will have to leave then (to Poppy), and I go out the front door. I go back in after 10 seconds to speak to P, to apologise, I think I was out of order to say that, she has gone into D’s room, comes out when I call her. Sam comes down with his bag, D shouts from his room, I’ll give you a lift, I have to get materials from the builders merchants. I say just come on let’s go now. Sam shouts at me for getting cross with him, continues to shout at me, D comes out, sticks a finger close to my face and says what a mess I’ve made of this family by talking to the SW, Poppy upset in front of all her friends. I said she didn’t need to make a fuss like that in front of her friends, she could have talked outside of the classroom. Sam wants to phone Gemma to get a lift, sorts it, but P and D are arguing while he is on the phone, he finishes and is angry at them. I am crouched down against the wall crying, Sam says ‘Oh my God’ scathingly, Poppy comes to comfort me.
I have to get on. I make Poppy’s packed lunch, D shows me a name and number he has written down, said ‘this is the person who can help you, he comes highly recommended.’ I say who, what? He’s an osteopath and crystal healer etc. I said what can he do for me? He can find out what your problems are. I said if he tells me that you are the problem, will you believe him? NO! I’m not the problem, everyone loves me! Then go to my room and cry and cry, I don’t know what to do with myself, I just want to be oblivious. Sam comes down on his way out, asks if I’m OK, I say No! not really! I say I’ll talk when he gets home at lunchtime.
I take Poppy to the bus, and then I go to my aunts, I don’t want to be there, she is slow, keeps me, wants to go to the shop for bananas, I have to take her, be patient. I get home, am lost. I am lost. I have to get out, I will shut myself away, in my room, pretend I’m not there, just be there for the kids. D can do everything, I have gone, I will only come out when D is out, he can buy all the food, provide for the kids, he can cook, get them up in the morning and be responsible. I can’t do anything else at the moment, Sam has exams soon, I can’t mess him up any more. If the kids want to stay with D, they will have to get on with it. Kate, I don’t care any more. The letter will be a farce, it will make no impact.
I don’t know if the SW has phoned or not, there was a call while I was out from a withheld no, don’t know if she spoke to D before he left, haven’t heard from Sam. I have to go to WORK, how can I work when my head is a mess like this, it was real hard with Alexis yesterday, but I could just be quiet and sew. She asked me if I was OK once of twice. Today I just want to put a pillow over my head. I'm not going to see my parents, I must ring them and tell them.
Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Rose,

 

I'm sorry that things are difficult right now. It has been very stressful lately with the social worker involved. A lot of the stress has to do with how everyone in your family is reacting to the social workers involvement. It may help to take a step back and see what you are dealing with.

 

As I mentioned, everyone is upset about the social worker because she is looking at the one thing they all do not want to deal with, the abuse from Dave. Looking at the abuse equals shame and facing their feelings. In order to do that, they would have to see what they are doing (Dave) and what is happening to them (Sam and Poppy). Even though the kids are being abused, it is the only life they understand. Having someone come in and say "you are being abused, we have to do something about it" upsets them greatly. They do not know what will happen to them if things change.

 

Also, the social worker visits point out the dysfunction in the family. Dave abuses, the kids are victims, and your role is to be the person who accepts all the fault of the family situation. Upsetting that sends everyone deeper into their roles, just as you are see happening right now.

 

The key here is how you want to react to all of this. In order to have anything change, someone has to step out of the abuse comfort zone and make a change. You would be the logical choice. The kids can't do anything on their own except react to the situation, and Dave will never see that he is causing all of this. For you to do something, it may be a matter of ignoring your feelings and just doing it. Think of all the things you have learned about your co dependency and your strength these past few months. Now is the time to put them into play and overcome your natural response to accept the blame and not act. Demand change and make it happen. You have me, K and Adele to back you up. You have your family and friends. Everyone is there for you. But only you can start the change. Only you can save the kids and yourself from Dave. The stress of all of this will stop once you decide what you want to do.

 

I know it's easier to hide from all of this. It feels overwhelming and out of control. But you have more power than you realize. You are the center of the family. You are the strength. The kids will follow what you do. This is your time to leave this part of your life behind and make a better one for you and the kids.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5577
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate,

thank you. I have been in a poor state of mind all day, but am feeling better this evening. Adele hasn't got back to me today, maybe she has a day off. I see her at the end of the day tomorrow.

While I was at work, Sam had a call from the SW, and he said he talked for 45 mins. He was polite, and answered her questions, said he felt that he and Poppy were as much a problem as D himself, and that often they would get upset with something that he was or wasn't doing (I wish someone would come live here and try it for themselves!)

I had to take Poppy for her music lesson later, we had a good banter in the car, but didn't mention anything about the SW. She (the SW) rang while we were there, said that she had spoken to Sam, that he was polite and eloquent, apologised for the way he spoke on Monday when she phoned, and that she had a long chat. She said that he had similar views to Poppy about the incident, that it was fairly insignificant, and that he could barely remember it. He told her that there was alot of anger between D and P and S, and that sometimes they were to blame for D's outbursts. He said that he has had counselling, and it was suggested that everyone has anger management counselling, which he agreed would be beneficial.

She said P wouldn't speak to her yesterday, but she had advised the school that a counsellor should be made available to her, if she feels she wants to talk.

She said she spoke to D this morning, that he denied he had a problem with alcohol, and doesn't need to address it. He was saying that my issues are with fibromyalgia, and that he was genuinely concerned about my health. She said that D really doesn't like my American therapist, I asked if she got K's email, said yes, but seems to just see it as anger towards K.

She talked about ways that the family could be strengthened, family counselling etc.

She said that at this point she isn't planning on taking it any further, but she needs to run it by her manager once again, but as far as she is concerned, she will close the file. That doesn't mean that it can't be re-opened again if further discussion is needed, and I can be in touch at any time.

She asked me how I felt about the conclusion. I said I felt relieved that I don't need to worry about it, watch my back, but I also felt that I was making something out of nothing, that it's OK to behave the way he does (I didn't say that) I felt lost again, but I have worked through and am feeling now like I want to give D a hard time in return, if there is NO consequence for his behaviour, why should there be for me. You talk of me needing to make change (I still want out badly, but change will do for starters), I will make a list of changes, he won't like it, but he plans big changes too, he told the kids on Tuesday night. We shall see.

D hasn't spoken to me since he has come home, he is in his room. I'm not preparing a meal tonight, P and S say they aren't hungry and they will get something later. I have had left overs. D can suit himself.

I am still feeling very unsettled, with that gutted feeling, I don't know what to feel, I'm very muddled. Yes, overwhelming and out of control, I want to hide away, that's where I'm going now. My thoughts of strength have withered, I have gone through so many thoughts and emotions today, including ending it all for good, I can't keep up with my thoughts and feelings.

K tells me she is having peer support to help her with counter transference. I feel bad.

Rose
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

I've moved the above post to my next question

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Ok I'll head over there

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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
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Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.