Dr Seuss said go right along, but I don't know which way, I'm lost
Up this morning to get Sam up for the bus, Poppy too. Sam was late last night, a friend stayed over, that was not allowed. He missed the bus, I said hurry, I’ll catch it up. Or you can go with Gemma, neighbour. He was being slow. I said where’s your school bag, he said he’d asked me to get it. COME ON SAM. Somebody said no-ne wants to speak to the SW today, I said fine, I will have to leave then (to Poppy), and I go out the front door. I go back in after 10 seconds to speak to P, to apologise, I think I was out of order to say that, she has gone into D’s room, comes out when I call her. Sam comes down with his bag, D shouts from his room, I’ll give you a lift, I have to get materials from the builders merchants. I say just come on let’s go now. Sam shouts at me for getting cross with him, continues to shout at me, D comes out, sticks a finger close to my face and says what a mess I’ve made of this family by talking to the SW, Poppy upset in front of all her friends. I said she didn’t need to make a fuss like that in front of her friends, she could have talked outside of the classroom. Sam wants to phone Gemma to get a lift, sorts it, but P and D are arguing while he is on the phone, he finishes and is angry at them. I am crouched down against the wall crying, Sam says ‘Oh my God’ scathingly, Poppy comes to comfort me.
I have to get on. I make Poppy’s packed lunch, D shows me a name and number he has written down, said ‘this is the person who can help you, he comes highly recommended.’ I say who, what? He’s an osteopath and crystal healer etc. I said what can he do for me? He can find out what your problems are. I said if he tells me that you are the problem, will you believe him? NO! I’m not the problem, everyone loves me! Then go to my room and cry and cry, I don’t know what to do with myself, I just want to be oblivious. Sam comes down on his way out, asks if I’m OK, I say No! not really! I say I’ll talk when he gets home at lunchtime.
I take Poppy to the bus, and then I go to my aunts, I don’t want to be there, she is slow, keeps me, wants to go to the shop for bananas, I have to take her, be patient. I get home, am lost. I am lost. I have to get out, I will shut myself away, in my room, pretend I’m not there, just be there for the kids. D can do everything, I have gone, I will only come out when D is out, he can buy all the food, provide for the kids, he can cook, get them up in the morning and be responsible. I can’t do anything else at the moment, Sam has exams soon, I can’t mess him up any more. If the kids want to stay with D, they will have to get on with it. Kate, I don’t care any more. The letter will be a farce, it will make no impact.
I don’t know if the SW has phoned or not, there was a call while I was out from a withheld no, don’t know if she spoke to D before he left, haven’t heard from Sam. I have to go to WORK, how can I work when my head is a mess like this, it was real hard with Alexis yesterday, but I could just be quiet and sew. She asked me if I was OK once of twice. Today I just want to put a pillow over my head. I'm not going to see my parents, I must ring them and tell them.