Rose, I'm here. I'm sorry this happened. I know you are overwhelmed by this.
Is there somewhere you can go for a little while away from home?
It's ok to tell Sam that you need a few moments by yourself. You need to take care of yourself first, then you can deal with Sam, D and Poppy.
If you feel you are safe enough to go to the cottage then go there. This may be a good time for you to call those back up people you and I have been talking about. Your neigbors, parents, or even the police. You should not do this alone.
She may not be aware of the danger she is putting you in. It might be good to make her aware of that. Let her know that by pushing this issue without talking to you first, she is potentially putting you and the kids in a dangerous situation because you do not know how Dave will react.
Let me know when you reach the cottage.
You are not to blame for this situation, Dave is. You and the kids would not be in this situation without his actions putting you there. Yes, you could have not told anyone. But that still leaves you in the same situation, just without anyone knowing.
This has reached the point of no return. Either way you look at it, Dave is going to want to know what is going on. And you may choose to try to tell him something different, but the kids may tell him anyway or he will find out. So you can either deal with how he reacts on your own, or get help and lay this on the line. He needs to get out anyway, and as you said, there is no good time for this to happen.
The best option is to call your backups or contact the domestic violence department at the police station, let them know what you are going to do, then follow their instructions. And also present Dave with the letter at the same time you tell him about the social worker. Before he can react, ask the police to remove him from the home. I know this is hard to do, but you are ready and you have been ready for a long time. If you choose not to, he stays in the home and may take this out on you and the kids. It is too dangerous, given his past behavior, to expose you and the kids to what he might do.
What do you think?
Let me know how it goes, if you get a chance. I'll be thinking of you.
How would Dave hitting you make a difference? He is hurting you terribly emotionally and just because that does not show on the outside, it isn't any less painful.
Do you feel you need more of an excuse to leave him? I understand the emotional side of it can feel less solid as a reason, but if you are looking for physical abuse, just think of what he did to Sam. That was physical abuse and it was done to your child.
How are things? Do you feel more settled?
I'm sorry that Poppy had to go through that with Dave. She was right, he was being hurtful. His job as a parent is to control his own temper and help Poppy through any conflict, not incite and instigate, then verbally abuse. Poppy had to defend herself, which is scary for a young girl against her father.
I hope tomorrow is better for you. Good night, Rose!
I hope you are doing ok today. I haven't heard from you and I am a bit worried.
I'm so sorry, Rose. I've been thinking of you all day and hoping you were ok.
Have a good session with K.
It sounds like the social worker has caused quite an upheaval in your family. Anytime you have someone from the outside trying to come into the family to look around, there is going to be upset. But it will be even worse in a family with abuse going on.
When there is abuse in the family, the members of the family will bond together even closer. Although you would think there would be total division (and there is on a certain level), the bond is over shame and keeping the family secret about the abuse. Poppy and Sam have grown up their whole lives with Dave abusing them. His abuse has instilled fear and shame within both of them. So when the social worker tries to get them to talk about the family secret, they get upset and refuse. Part of that is the shame, and part of that is the trauma of having to talk about it and therefore having to face it. Poppy already has issues with seeing the reality of it and with protecting Dave. Sam also has symptoms, including anger issues, and may refuse just based on his own feelings about it.
The kids are not angry at you. They learned from Dave that when something goes wrong to point the finger at you. They are mimicking the behavior they understand. You have been the kicking dog of your marriage all of the kids' lives. It's all they know. Not accepting Dave's abuse would address that issue. But since there are co dependency issues involved, standing up for yourself is not easy right now. So by default, you get the blame. In reality, the kids realize what is going on but feel powerless to stop it so they follow the family dynamic of blaming you, just as Dave does.
How this all turns out depends very much on how you want it to turn out. You are in charge. You are the breadwinner, the parent and the person with all the control. How you choose to use it depends on you. You can give it to Dave and leave the family yourself or you can use what you have and get him to leave. Poppy and Sam will deal with either situation. They may not like either one, but they will cope.
You may need some time to step away from all of this and get perspective. Are you seeing Adele this week? Talking to her can help. Also, if you feel that any more questions from the social worker would not help, you can always put a stop to the inquiry. It would be good to have them involved and helping, but if you do not feel you would accept any of the assistance they offer, then it may not be worth it. Can you also talk with your sister or your friend Cathy? Talking this out with someone will help you find support and clear your mind. I am here as well anytime you need to talk.
Good night Rose. This will pass and things will settle. It just takes time.
Let me know what happens with Adele. I hope you are able to talk with someone today. It will help you gain perspective and help you feel less anxious.