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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5239
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC is online now
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Hey Kate..................................................

Customer Question

Hey Kate..................................................
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Hey, I missed you too!

 

Papillon is perfect. Very good therapeutic expression, changing from a chrysalis to the papillion. I think she is more ready than she knows ;)

 

If I don't talk with you, have a good night.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi Kate,

I feel all out of sorts bc my account was locked this morning (well, last night), I knew I couldn’t keep on going, they stopped my subscription days ago, I was lucky we could still talk, I wasn’t feeling up to starting a new account, but there comes a time. I’m glad you like my new name, blue for you, papillon for me, I hope one day anyway, but I know I’m not there yet. SO glad you liked the twinkling butterfly, a farewell from purple :)

I’ve kinda lost the thread of what we were talking about, though now I’ve unlocked it I can go back to it. Today seems to have been so long, I wanted to go back to bed when I got up, I just feel like I’ve not had any sleep. i took Poppy to meet Deb then she went on to orchestra while I went shopping for groceries, then visited AA. She is concerning me, but she seems OK. Not really eating, not doing anything except sitting with her cat on her lap, reading her local paper every day, and drinking endless cups of coffee, but otherwise, nothing, no tv, only the occasional walk outside. Her nails are talons, but she won't let me cut them, and they are breaking, jagged and splitting. She insists she will file them. I guess there's no harm in leaving them, I just don't feel like I'm caring fopr her very well. We aren't allowed to cut patient's nails in the hospital, have to leave it up to relatives to do, I understand.

D had just gone out when I came home, so said Sam, just to get fuel and a haircut. I had to go off to get Poppy from town a little later and passed him on his way home, at 3pm. He wasn’t home when I got back, and didn’t come home til after 7, I assume he’d been at the pub all that time, but he wasn’t rolling when he came in. I'd just linked up with K, bad timing, I was just IMing, but couldn't concentrate. He wanted to tell me about a telescope he'd bought at a jumble sale, for 'me', well, for 'us', it cost him £50, but he was very excited. It looks an impressive bit of kit, and I've always been interested in the night sky, but, yaknow, not now...... I feel I shouldn't take an interest in it bc it will make a connection with him, and I feel I'll be going backwards. Tell me I'm being ridiculous...

He was home for an hour, then went back to the pub (I think trying to pretend that he hadn’t already been there- I’m just going to wander down the road for a while!), but I am glad to be left alone. He will be very drunk when he gets in, I hope he just crashes bc Poppy has her bf to stay tonight. The kids are out at a party in the village, Sam just in from work, rushed through a shower and was off! So I’ve been home alone all evening with the dogs. K did this group therapy thing on Second Life, that took several hours to get to grips with, but we had a chat, and I talked a little to one of her other patients, I was very anxious, but it was OK. I don’t know how much I like it, but I want to try.

I’m so glad to have you nearby, my head is in a bit of a pickle today, worrying about Poppy, the next SW visit, so much going on. I’ve been thinking a lot about what I did and didn’t say to her, and what I could say to make a clearer picture for her, but I am a little scared to give more details in case they say to D about something that I have said and he will know I’ve been talking about him. He will know anyway, but he will be mad. I might ring her on Monday and find out if she will give me her email just so she can fill in the blanks.

Can barely stay awake, this will be old news bc I don’t have a thread going yet, it’ll keep,

til tomorrow

Rose
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Morning Kate,

It wastes so much time being so confused, I feel like I'm in the middle of a tangle of netting, or ball of wool, and can't see a way out. Well, I see the way out, then try to get there and get in more of a muddle bc I'm pulling the wrong strings and fastening the net tighter around me.

He was up at a reasonable hour, same as me, bc he had to go see a job. He called Mark to see if he could come with him to see it, Mark obliged, I don't know what their plans are, I don't think D has asked him yet, but I think he's glad to have ensnared Mark again, he won't have to think so hard! He's going off to a gig, playing in a pub this afternoon.

I think I might cope better if he would allow me to live a separate life how I want to, talk to who I want to, let my guard down, pay his way, have BOUNDARIES! then, apart from the drinking and shouting and other unpleasantries, he could stay. That's not very hopeful though is it!!! OMG, if the SW tells him he needs to stop drinking, DUIing, abusing, he won't go with it, he will go AGAINST IT. I hope it all comes to a head and I can deal with it all at once, there is never a right time is there.

He has done nothing constructive, husbandly, fatherly, nothing of late, except visit the ponies a take a bale of hay now and again. All money earnt is still going in his pocket. This morning for lunch he's getting out bacon, egg, tomatoe, etc, and I think stop, that's not yours, so I have to walk away, I shouldn't begrudge him the food that I buy, but it's like Sam's friends when they all descend on our house and empty the cupboards, but at least they pay for a 'tuckshop' sometimes.

The kitchen hot tap won't turn on. The lawn looks like a meadow. There is still no catch/lock on the backdoor -that's at least a month, maybe 6 weeks now. He has bought the lock, I took the old one out to put the new one in, but it's too big for the hole. I'll have to find a chisel and see if I can do it, he just doesn't think to do it himself- maybe I should ask him to do it, but I am hanging back as much as I can so that I feel better about my plans.

I am so consumed with my thoughts I have little room for my children. I feel so badly about that, they are left to themselves so much, but I must make more time for Poppy, both for her music/studies, and inner thoughts. Maybe she is like me and hides them all away, and puts on that tough skin to show everything is OK, when really it's hurting terribly inside.

I am going to write an email to the SW I think, just to make it a little clearer what he's like as a husband and father. She was saying that the kids would have the choice as to who they live with, unless I take it to court. That made me think she doesn't know enough. But I will be bitching, will be unfair, but it won't be untrue.

My parents have taken the break that I booked through Groupon (Dad tells me it's American, so you may know of it), as it expires at the end of April, and I simply couldn't get my head round it. They are having a 'good' time, come back tomorrow. They wanted me to go up for a night to the bed and breakfast they booked after the hotel to extend their stay, but I said I wouldn't go. But, I said I'd join them for the day tomorrow, leave after seeing AA early, then arrive in time for coffee. Now I don't want to go, leave the dogs for a whole day, be out all that time, and back late. I want to be home alone, but I guess it will do me good to be away, but so so tiring, and that scares me, knowing I'll be so tired, and I just have to keep going, driving, communicating, 'enjoying', then the evening with the kids, and my usual Tuesday, which is my worst day of the week. But only bc I can't find any space for just me, and I know I have to keep going and talk to K, and it's late, and now D isn't out of the house, and now it's getting too dangerous to talk to K at all.

I feel I am stuck, and things are happening around me, and soon I will lose control, and D will lose control, and I am very scared, and consumed, and heavy, and low low down, in a hole, in my net, covered in leaves, dark and damp, with creepy crawlies, all around, but I don't care, I'm lying still, curled up, getting cold, cold, and nobody knows I'm here, hidden.

Sorry Kate :(

Rose
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 1 year ago.

Rose, no need to apologize. I am here for you anytime. You are not imposing on me or being self centered with asking for what you need. If I minded, I'd tell you. And I do not mind at all. I want to be here.

 

It sounds like you are feeling doubt about what you are doing to get away from Dave. It is perfectly fine to have moments of doubt, times where you feel so tired of the whole thing you just want to give in. You are fighting not only to get Dave out of your life, but you are also fighting yourself. You have learned that to get your needs met, being with Dave and being abused is the only way. Self esteem has a big role in what you accept in your life. Feeling worthy of a better life is not something you are used to. But pleasing Dave and having him and his needs be the focus of your life is. And that old way of doing things has a strong pull on you. And you may feel taking a stand against him is too overwhelming in light of your feelings.

 

You are searching for a way to keep Dave in your life. It would help you to look at why you want him there. What does keeping him there do for you? What does it mean if he has to leave?

 

You mention that you keep looking for him to do fatherly and husbandly things, as if you are looking for an excuse to say, see, I can let him stay. That is part of the co dependence, the wish and hope that he would change. Putting energy into looking for any sign of normal behavior from Dave so you will not have to face that he will not change.

 

At the same time you are consistently seeing the evidence that he is abusive. He takes all the money, food and uses you to house him, for free. He does not contribute in any way to the work needing done, including things he is especially talented at like fixing things. He spends all day sleeping, making a less than half effort at work, going to the pub and buy toys like telescopes, while you work, care for the children, care for your aunt, deal with family, homework, therapy and schools. Your days are filled with dealing with all the grown up responsibilities Dave won't touch because he doesn't like authority.

 

You mentioned that you fear the Social worker saying something to Dave about not being abusive and drinking and how you fear that Dave will see it as you telling on him. Protecting yourself and your kids is not about telling on Dave. It is about standing up for your rights. You and the kids deserve to be safe and live without being abused. There is nothing wrong with what you did. Just as there is nothing wrong with telling Dave he needs to be responsible for his behavior. He is a grown man and there are expectations to how he should act. And he is not living up to those expectations and using you so he doesn't have to.

 

You live in fear, Rose. From what you say, Dave has you so intimidated that protecting yourself is not an option. Each time you do, you end up so fearful to take the next step that you back off, letting Dave do anything he pleases to you and the kids. That fear is the thing that keeps you from getting you and the kids away from him. Even suggesting having the police help you brings up strong emotions for you, convincing you that it is not an option because it would get Dave in trouble, as if he should not be responsible for what he does. This is the road block to your freedom. Seeing it, accepting it and eventually dealing with it can help. But for your safety and the children's safety, it may be better to see it then push it aside, relying on your intellect to get you out of the situation.

 

There are many people in your life right now to help you break through to freedom. You have me, K, Adele, the social worker, your doctor and your friends and family. Everyone is here waiting to support you through this whole thing. You have set up a great team, but only you can lead us to where you want to go.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5239
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you

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