I see what you are saying about the participation as compared to the self blame. You are right, there is not much out there on participation, which is surprising, given that it is a common issue for survivors. It is still a part of the illusion that you are somehow responsible or involved in your own attack. There is a common misconception among survivors that they had something to do with the attack. And it is often one of the most difficult parts of recovery to work through.
I have no doubt that you did not want any part of what happened to you. After hearing your story and working with you all this time, I have never had even an inkling of a feeling that you wanted this.
People who are sexually assaulted feel guilt because they see what they did as a failure on their part. They failed to stop the attack, they failed to be objective during the attack, they failed after the attack to do something about it. Because of the nature of a sexual assault, a violation of a person's boundaries and physical self, there is an added component that most other violent crimes do not have. So it lends itself to be seen as "participation". Also, most sexual assaults are perpetrated as a means to control the victim. That not only means physical control, but emotional as well. So it's not enough for the attacker to violate the body, they must also control the actions and emotions of the person they are hurting. Only then can total control be achieved. As a result, the victim feels they participated, hence the guilt and shame.
Yes, experiencing your feelings as they occur is the best way to handle them. But use all the supports you have to help you. The intensity of your feelings is strong and you should not have to cope alone.
Not only physical pain. The control is about total control.
Your anger is a healthy response to what they did!
I understand that. And they won't win this one.
I hope you have a good night, Shay! Sleep well- no nightmares I hope.
I'm glad to hear that you didn't have any nightmares and you got some sleep. And I am happy that something I said helped you. It is true, you did not give, they took. In every aspect you can think of.
It's great that you got some extra sleep too. After what you have gone through lately, it should really help you feel better.
Talk with you soon,