I think the idea of the rubber band is perfect! And it makes sense that I would be more likely to have a flashback when my defenses are down, so the only people it may happen in front of are p or Linda, which is ok.
I looked at the link. I understand that people question their fault for being in the situation in the first place. I've gone through that, too. I know my drinking, walking alone, talking to them, and going with them to their "car" led to what happened. But I recognize it was a disproportionate consequence and that I've made much worse judgments without consequence. But it is the participation during I that I'm talking about. I've read very few things about that, although I've really looked. I read a book where the woman, although tied up, moved with the guy during the sex because he wanted her to. But that's about all I found. I try tO remind myself that I didn't want any of it. I know some people's bodies get aroused, just as an automatic response, despite the situation. But mine didn't. It probably would have been impossible anyway because I was cut pretty badly before anything much happened. I am thankful for that. That would have caused me much more confusion and guilt, I think. But I didn't want or enjoy any of it. I wasn't gaining any kind of sexual satisfaction by what I did
and said. I was trying to avoid pain and, maybe, to survive. But it's not like I thought it through. I didn't think about whether it was a smart or moral trade-off. I just did whatever they told me. I obviously could take the pain of being cut down there and could be okay, but I didn't think I could. It was the worst pain I had ever felt. I thought I had to avoid it at any cost. I was wrong, but that was how I reacted. I try to remind myself that even though I asked for it and acted like I liked it, and even did things myself, it wasn't because I really wanted to. But it's hard to know where the line is. Sometimes I do things I am not maybe thrilled about doing, but it is still a choice. When I was with my HS boyfriend, I chose to have sex with him even though I really didn't enjoy it. He certainly didn't force me.
Kate, I really didn't want to have sex with them or do any of that stuff. I didn't enjoy it. I just acted like I did because I knew that is what they wanted. I just guess I thought it was better than the bottle. I wish they had just done everything they wanted without saying anything to me, even if they had to be more violent.
Do you believe that I didn't want to do any of it? Except I guess I did, as opposed to them using the bottle again. I did choose to do/say those things because I thought I could avoid being cut anymore. But I didn't wan either choice. I don't know. If I didn't do anything wrong, why do I feel like I did? I didn't want to. I really didn't. I can't understand why I did what I did, so I don't expect anyone else to understand. But I kind of hope you do.
So - as far as the feelings, you are sayin to still just allow them and I'll learn to cope and they'll get better?
Hope you're having a good weekend!