Kate: Thank you for understanding and tolerating my reactions. I’m sorry I keep taking things out on you – I recognize I’m doing it after I do it, but I don’t think it through beforehand. I guess you’re the lucky safe person :) I really really am not liking this process.
I could strangle myself (not literally ...) for not handling this before, when it would have been more appropriate. I want a do-over. I want a do-over of that night — even if I can’t totally avoid it, at least I could limit my participation. And I want a do-over of right afterwards. I can’t believe what I have done to myself. Don’t tell me it’s nothing I did. We all know I contributed to how things turned out. And regardless, that’s simply how I feel, and I don’t want to argue about it. I get so mad at myself sometimes. But now I’m getting so mad at them, too. What a**holes. Seriously. Would it have killed them to just jack off that night? Or why couldn’t they do it to each other? Seriously – the mean one probably would have enjoyed that.
I don’t know why I was thinking this – but I wonder if I could have bargained some – like said – you can use the bottle if you don’t make me do or say such-and-such. Or – just tell the to hurt me bad enough the first time to make me pass out and they could have done anything they wanted, with me none the wiser. I wish I could, today, make a deal - that I would take the bottle again if I was able to forget (and never remember again) all the stuff I did/said. I know it doesn’t work that way, but I sometimes wish it did.
I told Linda I would like one hour with them, so I could ask them questions. She said she’d use that hour with them differently. But she wants me to write down what I want to ask them. Part of me wishes they knew how much trouble they are causing me - even now. But part of me thinks that that would thrill them. It would be nice to encounter them and be like “who are you, again?”
I KNOW I am giving them the power over me now. But I can’t stop. I can’t let go of it (or them) yet. It bothers me that these 2 people have intimate knowledge of me – did the most intimate things with me. Have accessed parts of my body that nobody else has. And they are a**holes. I think I’ve told you before — it’s like they’ll always be a part of me. Not just that what happened will stay with me in some manner — but physically. I mean, I know this is probably not true, but I feel like his urine is still in my digestive system somewhere. I feel disgusted that they probably took so much of my blood with them. And I feel like when my cuts healed, it sealed in some of them or their fluids or something. It’s disgusting. They could wash me off of them, but I don’t feel like I could just wash them off. Especially the mean one. Just the thought makes me want to go home and take a 2-hour shower. I feel guilty about things I did and said and didn’t do, but more and more, I just feel defective. I think that’s a guilt-vs.-shame thing. (???) Is the apparent shift a good or bad indication? I don’t know if I feel like I was always defective and that’s why it happened, why they chose me, and why they went so far - or if that made me defective. ?? I guess it doesn’t really matter.
If I ever fall in love again, is a guy going to want to ever have sex with me if he knows what all happened between me and those guys? They really didn’t leave any part of me un-messed-with. How could someone stand knowing that? I mean, even I can’t stand it. When I think about having sex with a guy or am watching a movie or something (I’m not talking about porn or anything, just to be clear) – not only does it make me feel bad, I also instantly think “oh yeah, I did something similar to that with them....”
And now – the fact that they can just show up anywhere, anytime, no matter what I’m doing, and basically do it again, is not fair. I know that’s not really what’s happening and they aren’t benefitting from it directly, but I can’t help but feel like every time I am hurt, they benefit. And it feels like they keep coming back, even though it’s just in my head. And I got what you said about the grounding props — but I don’t know what to do. The gum is not going o work, because I chew gum all the time except when I am sleeping or eating. I tried to move my feet on the ground last night, but I felt like I would pass out. I knew it was coming but I didn’t have time to do anything. I can’t spray a scent on my hand because (1) even if it worked, I would have washed it off when I wash my hands; and (2) pretty much anything like that gives me a migraine. I usually have a cup of coffee and a diet coke within arm’s reach – I don’t think that would do much. I don’t always have pockets, so I’m not sure a stone is practical, but I could have a couple I kept around – like at home and at my desk here. I’m sure all my suits have pockets, so that would cover me at court, so that leaves half the time at church. Maybe a pendant on a necklace or a bracelet? Still – I didn’t have any time to stop it last night. If that happens in front of people, I will be mortified. How would I even explain it? People would probably think I was on drugs.
Maybe I could poke myself with a safety pin or something? Would that work? Hitting my head brought me out of it, I think. I am very concerned this is going to happen again. I hope being worried about it doesn’t make it happen.
I think I will scream in my car on the way home. That might relieve some of this pressure. And I am very excited about my new BB gun. That will be fun. Jamie got me some safety goggles and some targets, too.
I know you said to "reward" myself and "make a day of it." That’s not going to work. First, the reward I want is peace of mind. Second, I am not going to "celebrate" when I know there’s still a lot of crap to go through. Third, I am so far behind on work it’s not funny. I have actually had a fairly productive week, but am still way behind. And in the next few months, I am going to have to be doing a lot to move offices, send out notices, etc. I just don’t have the time. Plus, I have little interest in doing anything fun. I feel like doing nothing. Not even playing the drums. (Except I do want to play with my BB gun, so that’s something :) )
My birthday is XXXXX a few weeks, and P made plans for us to get away and go to Santa Fe for a day or two, so maybe that will be kind of a break. I hope it just doesn’t put me further behind at work. It will be right after a 2-day mediation of a really complex case, so it is probably good timing, and will give something to celebrate if it settles.
Okay, well, I’m going to get some work together and head home ... Don’t worry - I won’t hurt anyone. :) I promise.
okay ... done babbling .... I’m not sure why I am avoiding leaving .....