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I understand Shay. But this is good. Your feelings are coming out and they may feel strong because of what you went through. You are transferring some of it on others (like me) but that is ok. It shows that you feel safe enough to do so. And it is hard to sit with, but that is most likely because you are feeling these emotions strongly for the first time. You have been angry before, but it was mostly directed at yourself and some with others.
I thought that you might be withdrawn because you felt angry and for the same reason you mentioned. I also suspected transference too.
I really felt like cutting last night (before the whole flashback thing). Now I feel like cutting somebody else. :) I am tired of this stuff seemingly controlling me. I can't count on myself or what i am going to do. Can you imagine if what happened last night would have happened at court or in public?? I felt it coming this time, but I couldn't stop it and I barely had time to sit down. What if it happens when I'm driving?
Yesterday I felt like just going into Linda's office and crying -- for no real reason. I should have. Lind told me this morning that she's sorry I injured myself. My thought was "are you kidding?" that's the best part of what happened. It at least makes sense: I hit my head and now it hurts. How do I explain to myself that I can be brishing my teeth and the next second right in the middle of what happened? I'm sick of seeing it. I'm sick of feeling it. I'm sick of dreaming about it. I'm sick of even thinking about it. A part of me wants it to happen again so I can stop thinking about the other and so I can make the right decisions. I don't know about the actual sex part --- but I'd rather, I think, endure the bottle for a little while than to deal with this crap with no end in sight.
Physical pain seems like nothing comparatively speaking -- this feeling stuff hurts a lot worse, and makes much less sense. That being said, I don't know if it really came down to it if I would be brave enough to choose the bottle over having to deal with this other stuff.
The desire to cut yourself comes when the emotions feel overwhelming to you and you feel you have no other options to relieve the stress. It is a sign that you may want to seek other ways to deal with how you feel next time you are feeling overwhelmed.
Start by making a list of things that you feel you can do to get out some of your emotions. For example, calling someone might help. Or screaming into a pillow. Playing your drums. The more you can add to the list, the better. And the next time you begin to feel overwhelmed, search the list and pick something that appeals to you. Then go do it.
Your fear about having a flashback in public is normal. This also requires some preparation. You need to take some things with you that you feel will ground you. Try keeping something tactile in your pockets (or pocketbook), spray a scent on the back of your hand so if you start to feel a flashback coming on, you can take a deep smell of it. Keep a cold drink nearby on your desk and in court. The shock of the cold will help.
You may feel like you are losing control, but you are not. You are just getting used to these feelings. You always repressed them, so you don't have any practice or coping mechanisms to deal with them yet. You will adjust and learn. It just takes time.
This is hard. But it is also good. It is real and not the learned coping you were doing before. And this will not last forever. It will pass.
How completely reassuring.
It's ok. But I would ask- what you are feeling? Anger is usually a sign of fear, fear of your feelings. And fear of something overwhelming.