I was just feeling sorry for myself because I felt unhappy in general. It was nothing specific, but I did
feel just made because I have to do any of this. THEY should be the ones in therapy.
I think you're probably right that my strength and defenses are just down and I'm tired and not able to cope very well. That whole thing with Linda really took a lot of my energy, and I feel like I'm still somewhat on "high alert" with her. some of it may have had to do with telling D. Yes - I was pleasantly surprised by her reaction, and did feel supported. Maybe you're right, that in my mind, that equated to: "it must have been bad." I don't know.
The thing that was embarrassing was that I was out of control. I felt like during it, I was totally absent from current reality (and that's fine - I was by myself), and when I "came back" (so to speak), I couldn't calm down, I wasn't sure how long I'd been on the bathroom floor, and I didn't know why my head hurt. I'm not sure why P just walked in the bathroom - maybe she knocked and I didn't hear her - but I couldn't speak. I was crying really hard and couldn't catch my breath. It kind of freaked her out - she didn't know what was going on. But I had told her several weeks ago about the fact that (at hat time) I had experienced 2 flashbacks before. And we talked about it after the disaster EMDR appointment with Linda. So she kind of clued in after a few minutes and asked me if I'd had a flashback, and I nodded. But she was freaked out by the whole thing. I think that's why she called Linda - yes, she wanted to know if I could take the other pills, but I think more, she just wanted to see if there was something she was supposed to do. I was just embarrassed by the fact that I was disoriented, hyperventilating, crying on the bathroom floor and acting all crazy. I'm sure Linda could care less - I'm sure she has seen people REALLY flip out before. She called this morning and we just talked for a few minutes.
But I feel like it was a major occurrence last night. My whole body hurt all night - I don't know why. I know why my head hurt - because now I have a big bruise on my temple (very attractive :) - Jamie told me this morning when I walked into the office that I seem to get an inordinate number of black eyes considering I have a desk job and clearly no abusive husband.). And my stomach is killing me. I am a mess. I seriously feel like I just went through some major physical event. Weird.
The insight you're talking about - do you mean the fact that I don't think I caused it o happen or what I was saying about the responsibility I feel coming from my childhood experiences of being responsible for everything, even others, as well?
If it's about the fault thing - I really haven't felt in a while that I actually caused it to occur at all. I made poor judgments, but I can accept that - and I really do feel like they had something planned for somebody. If I hadn't been drinking, etc., it probably would not have ended up being me - but that's no consolation, really. My self blame issues are more about how I participated and chose to react during it, and what I did/didn't do afterwards.
I totally forgot to even mention to Linda yesterday during our session about the thought I had the other day that maybe the reason I feel so responsible for what happened and am so worried about trusting people is because I was always responsible for whatever happened relative to me - whether I actually caused it or not, and so I feel responsible for what someone else does if I made a mistake of trusting them. (Kind of like vicarious liability, I guess). We really didn't talk about anything major or specific at all during my session, and I didn't bring that up. We did talk about my telling D and her reaction, but otherwise, Linda was just reading me some stuff and asking what I thought, and going over some ideas of some things she would like me to do. Anyway, I need to try to remember to tell her I want to talk about that Monday.
And, yes - I know that Linda and P were both fine with helping me. And I would do the same for them. But I would probably freak out, too, if P was acting like I was.
Plus, yesterday I didn't want to talk to you. Well, I did - but I didn't want to need to and I was trying to avoid it. It made me mad.