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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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Hello Heidi, I was re-reading your answers on my last post

Resolved Question:

Hello Heidi, I was re-reading your answers on my last post to you and I thought I would give you a little update. I feel a little bit like I have made a breakthrough although probably not in the way I should have! I told you about this older chap who I was attracted to. Well he invited me over for dinner and I accepted. He cooked for me and put a candle and some wine out, which in itself was amazing. I have never had that before. We talked and laughed and ate and then we sat on the sofa together snuggled up.
I expected that he would want sex but he told me he wanted me to go away and think really hard about what I wanted to do before I commited to anything with him. I don't think I have ever been treated with such respect before. So I did go away and I did think about it. We went on a picnic in the sunshine which was lovely and then last weekend we went away together. He booked a lovely hotel and I had the most wonderful weekend I have ever known. The feeling of being repsected and loved was immense. We went out and while we were out he wanted to hold hands and then he said right lets get back to the hotel. I questioned him as to why we needed to get back. He looked at me and said ' I thought you would want to watch the national? we talked about it last night and you said you normally watched it' So we did go back and watch it. I was so humbled that he tought enough of me to curtail a nice day out just to do something I wanted to do. I laughed like I haven't laughed with my husband and when we made love I never thought it could be so good. my legs shook for hours!!
Now I feel warm and contented apart from that physical ache to see him again, I have suddenly realised that this is what I have been looking for all these years. In my numerous bouts of cheating I have longed to be away from the man I slept with after finishing the act, but with this man I just want to curl up in his arms and feel his lips on my hair. Of course this is wonderful but the fact remains that I am married to another man.
I have been exploring my feelings and discovered that I look at my husband and don't feel anything. When we has sex yesterday I just felt bored and like it was a chore.
If this older man asked me to leave with him I think I would go and be willing to bear the dissapproval of friends and family.
The dawning of a healthy sentiment? I do hope so!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Wow!!!!!!! Thanks so much for the update!! It is a very interesting situation, and seems to have given you more information about your own personal/emotional/physical needs, most importantly that you haven't been able to truly identify them up to this point. This experience has opened you up to a different view... it will be very interesting to see what this information does to change the current state of your life!

Heidi LPC :

You do deserve to be treated with respect, and more importantly, to believe and act in ways that reinforces the fact that you are worthy of respect. Once you truly identify what you need to feel satisfied and successful in your life, you will then be able to move towards that goal.

Heidi LPC :

Keep your dignity about you, be sure that you can manage the consequences of any choices you make, and keep working on finding yourself!! Thank you for filling me in, and as you are currently offline, I will check back later in case you have anymore information to share, or questions to chat about!

Customer:

Hello

Customer:

thanks for the reply. I have been amazed and fascinated at how happy I feel with Mr Old man in my life. I hate to say but it makes living with my husband much easier knowing that there is someone out there who can make me feel happy.

Customer:

I am going to take it slowly as there is my son to consider as well as just me. He has actually met this man a few times and he likes him. I don't know what Mr OM thinks about my son. I suppose it will be a love me love my son sort of thing.
I feel like a teenager, quietly reliving the moments with him in a dreamy fashion. We have spoken on the phone everyday this week after spending the weekend getting to know eachother better. I love the sound of his voice on the phone. Today he called me during the day which was surprising and made my heart leap when I recognised his voice. I think he really does like me for who I am as a pose to what I can do for him.
I have had a talk to my husbad about me not being happy, he looked bewildered really and said he thought I just wanted more money as I was materialistic! I was very surprised as I never complain about not having much money or a new car or nice clothes etc, I never pressure him about working harder or giving me more money etc. Odd really. He said he didn't know what I wanted, I tried to tell him but he looked blank. He thought about it then bought me a tumble drier! lol I was glad as I have wanted one for ages but I did tell him it was attitude rather then things

Heidi LPC :

Sounds like your husband has limited emotional understanding or ability to connect on an emotional level, and this other man is very skilled in this... and you are realizing that this is what has been missing for you all this time, and what propelled you into the affairs. You have a need you have been trying to fill, but you weren't sure what it was, and now it is clear. It is smart to move slowly now; kids deserve stability and security as you decide the future and any changes you may need to make personally, but you don't have to forsake your own happiness in the process. I can see that it may be helpful to wait a bit to be sure that it isn't just the initial "thrill" or honeymoon phase of the relationship that you base your decisions on, but on the actual substance of the relationship, which will become more apparent with the passage of time.

Heidi LPC :

A healthy relationship is based on friendship; and finding out whether you actually have one with your husband will help you to decide if the marriage is worth trying to save. If he had no idea that your needs weren't fulfilled, it is clear there is quite a chasm in your communication. If he seems willing to work on it, and you truly like the man, it may be worth a shot.

Heidi LPC :

Otherwise, you may just determine that you married for security and now you know that there is so much more to life than security... and you can have security within a loving, warm relationship. It would be like having your cake and eating it, too!! Remember, no relationship is ever perfect, and they don't stay in the "honeymoon" phase forever. This affair will calm down and there will be a real side to it all. So, don't base any decisions on this current excitement just yet, but let it slowly unfold to give you further answers and information about yourself.

Heidi LPC :

Keep up the great work of finding your true self!! :-)

Customer:

I quite understand what you are saying, I think I did marry for security. I didn't want to go to Uni and its a scary world out there!! I liked that my husband was strong and decisive when I was 18, he made decisions and I didn't have to, and he had land and money ( or money to a teen anyway!) enough for me to keep my horses etc.
I didn't think that there would be the possibility of having a man of substance and a man with assets! Now I know better. My new lover has humour, charisma, experience, intellegence and supportive nature as well as a castle ( I kid you not) a house in France and 100 acres of land. I am not short of assets here either, in the family ( Husband is an only child) we have 8 houses a farm, and again 100acres but none of that is really shared with me, its only lent to me in an ungraceful fashion.
I am certainly going to take it slowly, no point rushing something that could last for years

Heidi LPC :

:-) I will be waiting to hear where this goes!!! Keep me posted!!! :-)

Customer:

Me too!! He is in Cambs at the moment helping his mother, she broke her leg before christmas and has just come home. I hope he will be back in a few days. He went up sunday before last. Thats the mark of a caring man, willing to stay and help his mother.... :-)

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
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