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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Should I stop talking to lifelong friends and acquaintances who are male because I am in a

Resolved Question:

Should I stop talking to lifelong friends and acquaintances who are male because I am in a new relationship with someone who doesnt want me too?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.

 

Are you male or female? Is your partner male or female? What types of things is your partner saying to you about your friendship with other males?

 

Thank you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I am a female and my partner is male. I am cutting and pasteing directly from conversation with him earlier today. see below:

 

Am I always going to have to hear and see all your dam exes. I don't trust the things that can happen givin the right situation. I ain't gone never take it easy on that part.

 

By the way to him everybody that is a friend of mine must be an ex or someone who liked me to the degree of wanting to be my mate. I tell him that he has issues he needs to address because I shouldn't have to stop being friends with people I have known practically all my life because i'm with him. I also ask him why does that apply to the women as well if he wasn't jealous and insecure. He is more adamant about the males than the females though.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you for the additional information.

 

It sounds like your partner may have a jealousy issue. From your description, you have done all the right things. When in a relationship, it is ok to have friends of the opposite sex as long as you include your current partner in the relationships. That means introductions, invitations to be a part of get togethers and keeping your partner fully informed of any contact. If you have done all of those things, then it is your partner with the issue.

 

Many people get into relationships thinking that their partner will love them unconditionally and that any problems they had before will improve or even disappear. When they find out that the person they are with as their own needs or wants, their issues come back, sometimes even worse. So if your partner was insecure before, it will be worse now especially because he now has a "reason" to feel the way he does.

 

It may help your partner for you both to sit down and talk this out. Let him know that you understand his problem and you want to help. But he needs to see that he is part of the problem and it is not all about you and your choices. It would help you to talk with him if you know more about insecurity and how it affects relationships. Here are some resources to help you:

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200906/jealousy-loves-destroyer

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-love-doctor/201007/jealousy-in-new-relationships

 

Once you know what your partner's issues might be, it will be easier to talk with him about working on his problem so he can feel better about himself.

 

You may also want to try making some special time for just the two of you. Focus on each other over dinners, special trips, and other activities. Surprise him with a homemade candlelit dinner or take him to a place he loves. It will help him feel more sure that you love him.

 

If your partner feels he cannot work through his jealousy, he may need to see a counselor. He can find one through his doctor or search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/. His issues may be deeper than he can handle on his own and a therapist can help him learn why he feels this way and what he can do to help himself.

 

I hope this has helped you,
Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
We are passed the sit down and talk about it stage I have talked about it until I am blue in the face. On more than one occassion...what I failed to mention is that i haven't met any of his friends male or female. I don't hide anything from him i'm always doing things to show him how much I love and care for him. Nothing is enough. I have told him on several occassions that he needs to see a therapist to work through these issues of jealousy and where they come from....This man is entertaining the fact that he wants to marry me but I don't think we should until he resolves this issue.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

If he is unwilling to get help for this issue, you are right to hold off marrying him. Problems like this only get worse once you are married.

 

If you feel that he will not listen to you or see that he may be part of this problem, it may be a good idea to take a break from the relationship. As long as he does not have any insight and is not willing to address his jealousy, then a healthy relationship is impossible. This is especially true if he is not allowing you to meet any of his friends. Your relationship has become one sided, with the focus on you and your friends. That does not make it easy for your relationship to grow.

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5467
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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