I do not think my drinking that night was the reason for that to happen. It was inadvisable to abuse alcohol - not even illegal, since I was 21, but not advisable, for lots of reasons. And I would not have been there at all if I hadn't gone back to the sorority house to get alcohol. I know these things, but I haven't felt for a long time that this is what caused what happened. Perhaps it dulled my instincts and maybe without any alcohol I would have known to be scared, but maybe not. I had been in dozens of situations before where I was alone with strange guys - and nothing ever happened. So I don't think I caused it. Plus - as I have said - I am convinced that they were going to do something to someone that night, and I don't think I would have wanted it to happen to someone else. So - that's not really a big part of my guilt issues.
I don't know if anyone ever turned that guy in. The reason Debra even knew about it and what made this woman finally recognize that she needed to do something to get help, was that they were at a big Christian School choir festival somewhere back East (D taught with her and they went to the same church), and the lady flipped out because she thought she saw this guy. D didn't know what was wrong, but her friend told her she had to go and find out the guy's name. So after following him around for a while, D did go up and talk to him, although she didn't know why she was doing it, and it turned out not to be him. So - I don't think the guy was ever arrested. I don't know when this was - I'm guessing maybe 15 years ago? The woman told D she'd explain later what was going on, and some time later, she did. Also, D said that during her friend's therapy, her friend and her therapist confronted the guy. That would be scary!
D texted me this morning and said she prayed for me last night and this morning and prayed that I didn't and wouldn't regret telling her. She also said she was questioning whether she should have told me about her friend, because her intention was to help me and maybe give me some encouragement by it, and she wasn't meaning to minimize my experience or compare the two. I told her I was so glad she brought it up - because most of the books and stuff I've read deal with people going through the recovery process pretty shortly after it happened - and it is nice to hear a real account of someone who didn't address it until later, like me.
It was nice for D to offer to come back to praise team, and yes, I'm going to let her - if she feels it's the right thing for her. She has not done it for the past year, because their daughter's husband (age 32) suddenly dies, and their daughter and 3 year old granddaughter moved here and live with them now, and she has been dealing with that. He daughter is doing a bit better now, but she is (understandably) a mess, and the 3 (almost 4 year old) not only needs care and attention because her father is gone, but because her mother is so sad and I'm sure it is so upsetting and confusing. He daughter is starting to visit other churches, and is better able to handle things day-to-day. So that's why she was thinking about coming back. But she needs to pray about it and do what is right for her. I told her that was holding my ground, so it really wasn't my problem anymore - it is C's. But I do know if she comes back, it would ease up the pressure on me. So if she can do it, I would be most appreciative!
It is hard to accept how long this might take and that it might get even harder. But I keep thinking - (1) I'm not sure if I stop now that it can go back to just nightmares - it seems to want to seep out somehow, so I probably can't bury it as easily as I did. (2) If I stop and never go back, I am going to keep paying for it in ways I don't even see now, and probably in additional ways, too; (3) If I stop and do go back to therapy, I may have to redo everything I've done so far, which would mean I wasted 9 months of work and upset.
And this has shown me other issues which I had no clue I had. Now, sometimes I see this as bad, but the positive part of this is that I think it helps with this main issue that you guys can point out why I may react as I do, and help me therefore work on this issue, but also because I suspect the childhood issues have caused a lot more unhappiness and issues for me than I know, and so when I recover from both, it will seem even better. That doesn't mean I like it, though.
Do you think there is any chance that additional major issues will be discovered as I continue working on these things? Do you think I'm done with surprises and with things coming up that are going to prolong this process even more?
I guess you're right about not being able to be sure how someone is going to react or whether you can trust, until you take a step. As I'm sure you can guess, that disturbs me because I want some assurance. And, you know, trust-wise, I trust C as much as D. I just don't think C knew what to say or do, as much as he may have wanted to help. And he is a guy. It was nice to have a guy's perspective and ask him some strictly "guy" questions about what went on, but I think he looks at it differently and doesn't understand that something that seems so logical can be very upsetting (like, if I feel guilty, even if he may not think I did anything wrong, I'm sure his suggestion to just confess and ask for God's forgiveness seemed to him like covering all the bases, but I don't think he knew what message that sent). It was a big risk telling D, and I do realize t's not always going to turn out that I have trusted the right person, but I felt like in assessing what I knew of and saw of her, it was a controlled risk. Now, that being said, I really don't see the need to tell anyone else unless I feel compelled down the road. Trust or no trust, it is still something that people generally do not need to know, right?