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Howard Wise
Howard Wise, Counselor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 650
Experience:  Counseling with a compassionate ear and a loving heart.
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I found out 1 year ago that my husband had an affair with a

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I found out 1 year ago that my husband had an affair with a co-worker that lasted 1 1/2 years. He has been extremely remorseful, said the physical acts took place about 10 times, but they shared the love of taking pictures and of anal sex. He ended the affair right away and he has taken full responsiblity of his actions and can not understand why he did it other than he was convinced that I really didn't love him (I dated him 7 years prior to marriage due to my fear of getting another husband that could not be faithful) He has always said that I am the love of his life and when we did have sex prior to the affair, it was almost always me initiating. We had been friends for about 15 years prior to my marriage ending and we begain dating about a year later. I've gone thru blaming myself for not being slutty enough for him, had about 4 months of good sex because I had convinced myself that if I was just dirty and nasty enought for him, he'd "love" me. Realization has set in that it wasn't me, it was him and the "bad place" he was in his head, which he has said all along. Now I am find it very hard to enjoy sex with him because I can not get her out of our bedroom. He is having sex with her, he is performing oral sex with her, when I do oral sex on him, I only see that this is the same naked dick that f**ked her in the ass. I care about him, I don't hate him, but I can't get get past that everything we do, he did with her....other than the fact that I will not humililate myself to have anal sex with him. HELP. We are trying to make it work, we have been together 13 years, I think I can get past some things, but I'm stuck on the sex now.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 4 years ago.
Good morning, this is Howard,

I'm sorry to hear about this unfortunate situation. Why did you stop individual counseling?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I stopped because my insurance was maxed out for the number of visits and we were'nt making any more headway. I was on the fence and I think I'm still on the fence. I know I don't have to decide "tomorrow", there are no children involved and we are both fully able to take care of ourselves financially.
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 4 years ago.
You are on the fence about leaving your husband or staying in the marriage?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I am on the fence as to what to do in my best interest. Can I ever feel the same way about him? Can I ever trust him again? - which after much dialog between him and I, I am willing to take that chance. He is devasted that he could do this and do this to his best friend. This is not the man I now for 20+ years. I've come a long way, but I'm afraid it may be too hard to for me to get over it and I'm on the fence as to whether it's worth it or not.
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 4 years ago.
Getting over this will be difficult but not impossible. It will take work and a commitment on the part of both of you to work it through.

What do you mean when you say you're not sure it's worth it or not?
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Worth it as in I don't want to get hurt again. My last husband cheated on my most of my 17 yr marriage. I only had proof of the last affair. I grew to hate him and divorced him when the youngest graduated high school. I do not trust people. My home environment was not healthy, I learned that I can only trust to take care of myself. My husband's nickname is "follow the rules Dave" because he doesn't go 1 mile an hour over the speed limit, he follows the rules of EVERTHING to a T, and then did this. It was entirely out of his nature. I ask myself what kind of women stays in a relationship where her husband can be so deceptive and so humiliating to his "love". He is not a strong or secure man. He has his own baggage and do I really want to be there for him anymore after what he did to me? What can i possibly gain by staying with him? He says he loves me and will do anything to prove to me that he is sorry and that I did not deserve this. Why stay? He's shown what he is capable of doing to someone he loves, I don't care where his head was. He had a choice and he knew it was wrong, yet did it over a long period of time.
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 4 years ago.
There is a chance, of course, that your husband may be unfaithful to you again, so your concerns are reasonable.

Regarding your question about what kind of woman stays in a relationship... Many women would not be able to remain in the relationship after something like this happened. Those who do, somehow find a way to forgive their husband, or at least get past the infidelity. I don't think we need to judge them. Forgiveness is a very special and rare gift.

What can you gain by staying with him? I'm not sure. Perhaps a better question would be "what will I lose if I leave him."

You are going to have to figure out if staying with your husband will be possible for you, and if that's something you want to do. I will be glad to continue to support you in your efforts to make the best decision for you.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
OK, none of this really helps me. How do I have sex with him and not think of him having sex with her? I've dealt with all the other questions and know that it is a decision that only I can answer.
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 4 years ago.
You are thinking about him having sex with her because you are angry at him, and you have been hurt by his infidelity.

You mentioned that you were in individual therapy for ten sessions. Did you benefit from that? Why did you end therapy?

My recommendation is that you return to individual therapy. If you weren't satisfied with the therapist you were seeing you should find another one. All therapists are not created equal. An excellent psychotherapist will be able to help you get through this.
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