C totally spaced his appointment with me and called a half hour later, so that was good, although if he wants my help, he better get in to see me. I just told him we'd have to set up something later. I told him it was probably a good thing, because Jamie is still out of town, and it didn't dawn on me until this morning that we would be alone here, and I wasn't sure if he felt comfortable with that. It's not like I haven't been alone with the man dozens of times, but there seems to have been some kind of tightening of the hatches there, because he has seemed more concerned about making sure someone is around if we are together at the church, or going out to lunch. He said today "I'm not concerned - we're both trustworthy." I told him "yeah, I don't think we're going to accidentally make out or anything." It seemed to embarrass him, which was my goal. He said something about it being a matter of appearances. I'm guessing that somebody said something about he and I spending a lot of time together at some point. Oh well. It wasn't his wife. He always tells her when he's over here or something, and she has no issue with it at all. His wife is like the nicest person I know, other than P. But somebody apparently has an issue. Better safe than sorry. But I find it funny and odd.
But, botXXXXX XXXXXne, I was glad to avoid any private conversation with him for the time being.
I will try to, as you say, sit with my feelings. Are you sure? Is it okay to feel this sad and not try to fight it and just cry when I feel like it and stuff (assuming it is an appropriate time and place)? Is it normal to feel really bad? Even after all this time and even though I've been in therapy for 9 months? Is it normal to feel like dying sometimes? I mean, not in the "I want to die and might do something about it" sense - just in the "wow - wouldn't that be convenient and a relief and this is too hard - or, this would be (selfishly) good timing for the rapture" sense?
I don't know why I feel like it might be a good idea to tell D. Maybe because she asked, except it usually irritates me when people ask about my unspoken prayer requests or what is going on with me - because people just want to know things other people don't know. They don't care - they just want the "scoop." But I didn't feel that way with her.
I don't know exactly how I feel about the prospect of telling someone else. You're right - I have told other people before, with differing reactions. It would really hurt me if she got the impression that I just felt guilty about sleeping with 2 guys in college - like the first friend I told thought. I don't think that's likely - D isn't a 21 year old. But I still worry about that, because it made me think about it, and think "well, I guess that's true, in a way," and it made me feel even more like a whore. I feel like if people know what happened, it will change their opinion/view of me. And I feel like people will judge me because I am still not over it, and think that the fact that I am even talking about it or that I am still upset about it is a matter of me being dramatic.
I don't know what reaction I would even want, except if she said she was glad I told her. For some reason, it made me feel better (I guess validated?) sometimes when Linda and I would talk abut certain things that happened, or after she read my "story, " when she would say that it was bad and unusually violent or cruel, because then I felt like maybe that gave me some permission to not be over it now like I expect normal people would be. But on the other hand, it's hard to hear. I don't want D to blow it off, but I don't want her to say it's terrible. I don't know. I guess I would just like for her to understand, and for me to somehow know that.
I can handle it, I think, if she asks questions I do not feel comfortable answering - and she will be respectful. I think I need to try to say things as clearly as I can (not detail-wise, but just communicating what it was), because I don't want to have to worry about body language. As I think I told you, I have been told I have very little affect sometimes, and I don't want there to be a misunderstanding, because it would be harmful to me, I think, to try to clear that up.
I'm still not sure what I am going to gain by telling her. Trust? The knowledge that someone else is praying for me?
The only downside I can see, since I know she wouldn't tell anyone, is how she may react, which would make me feel worse. But I don't think there's a big chance of that. Is this a good sign that I'm thinking of telling her or is it misguided?
As for telling her husband - I just won't say. She will know not to tell anyone else. If she asks whether she can tell him, then I would think that would be an indication that she feels she wants or needs to, and that would be fine.
As far as sharing it with people being unsafe - of course I feel it is unsafe . This whole thing - even thinking about it, therapy, everything - is unsafe, wouldn't you say?
So ... I just started crying to a song on my ipod. (How's that for "sitting with" my feelings :)? ) It doesn't matter. I'm here alone. So I guess I'm just going to try to roll with it.
However, it is a beautiful song - Prayer of the Children, and if you haven't heard it, I must share it with you. Here's a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CTZFIcqnQMg