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Ask Heidi LPC Your Own Question

Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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hi

Resolved Question:

hi
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi!

Customer:

hi

Customer:

i have some relationship problems

Heidi LPC :

Is there anything I can assist you with this evening?

Customer:

My boyfriend and I just broke up 6 days ago

Heidi LPC :

Sorry to hear that....

Heidi LPC :

How can I help you tonight?

Customer:

we were together for two months, and we liked each other madly. I am 29, and he is 33. I am a doctoral student and he was a Phd in the same school.

Heidi LPC :

Ok... 2 months...not too long... what happened?

Customer:

Everybody could feel like he was so into me

Customer:

sometimes i can feel that he was afraid of losing me

Customer:

since we were together, we spent almost every weekend together

Heidi LPC :

So, what happened to end this?

Customer:

three weeks ago, we texted each other, and i used an inappropriate word in one text, and he immediately got so angry

Heidi LPC :

Wow!

Customer:

he texted "stop the f**king texting!"

Heidi LPC :

Out of nowhere, he reacted so strongly!

Customer:

and i said "stop sending me evil words"

Customer:

and then things upscaled...

Customer:

the last words he said was "...now i don't know if i should be your boyfriend or not..."

Heidi LPC :

Wow... it escalated into a break-up from that?

Customer:

and after that, he refused to talk to me. I tried to text him, call him, and leave him voice messages...he just ignored me...

Customer:

then last monday morning, i received his email saying that he was not the perfect man for me...

Customer:

yes, i couldn't understand a couple would break up because of texts

Customer:

i will copy some of his email to you...pls wait a sec

Heidi LPC :

Sounds like there must be more to it in his mind than just that... was there anything else that happened that may have given you a clue that he was feeling this? Any emotional changes, or distance? Sometimes, people look for something that they can blame a feeling of "not really being into it" on. It sounds like he started having reservations, and used this minor irritation as the reason.

Customer:

I have had some time to think and I just do not feel the same as when we started to date. Too many things that I have tried to talk to you about just have not changed and when we are together I get stressed. A relationship should not be that way. People are who they are and you want someone who is OK with you touching them and holding them a lot, and that is just not me. I don't disagree that relationships are not all about happiness, but they should not be so much hard work, it should come naturally, and I am not going to force something that I am just not feeling now. You seem to like to throw things from that past at me when we run into new conflicts instead of talking about the here and now, and that is not good for me or a relationship. It means that we can never move past the history and move on. It also means that old wounds will always be opened up whenever something doesn't go the way we expect. I tried to talk about the things that I was not happy with, but I do not think you were taking me serious at all. This was very frustrating for me and caused me a lot of stress to not understand when things happened that upset me or things or at least discuss them with me so you understand what upsets me. It took about a month for you to understand that I did not like it when you twisted or pinched my nipples. No matter what I said, you thought it was funny and wanted to do it more. That is when I realized that there was lack of maturity in our relationship. I think you will find someone that is perfect for you because you are special, but I do not think that person is me. It makes me really sad to write this email because you were the first person that I could talk to about my own research and someone that understood what it is like being a PhD student. It is not easy for me to write this email at all, but it is how I feel.

Customer:

this is the email he sent to me

Heidi LPC :

Ahh.... I see a bit more now...

Customer:

do you think what he said could be the reason that we couldn't be together?

Heidi LPC :

It is as I said.... he wasn't feeling the same connection that he thought he was at first, which is natural... and he just ended it on the text exchange, but he was feeling it before.

Heidi LPC :

Sure... relationships are just so tricky and complex. The early stages are all finding out if you are compatible... as it goes on, the signs become clearer... and for him, he just wasn't that into you... and I am sorry that you had to experience a rejection.

Heidi LPC :

Yet, it isn't a rejection of you as a person; he just didn't feel as compatible with you as he hoped. There will be the right man, right around the corner... and now, the coast is clear for him to appear.

Heidi LPC :

It hurts a bit of you take it personally; but think of a time when a man liked you but you just didn't feel the same, and remember that although we have no control over other's feelings, we have full control over how we choose to look at and think about things like this.

Customer:

what makes me disappointed is that he broke up with me by sending an email. If he respected me, he should have had a face-to-face conversation. Email, text etc are one-way communication

Customer:

and we were at the beginning process of getting to know each other, we shouldn't just ran away when we found the bf or gf was not perfect. I myself was not expecting to find a naturally perfect match

Heidi LPC :

If you can, focus on the fact that you are intelligent and wonderful... and that this feeling is temporary and will pass. Yes, I agree that it is insensitive to handle it as he did, yet it is in the past and there is nothing you can do to change it; only use it to validate the fact that you wouldn't want to have a relationship with someone who is so insensitive or disrespectful.

Customer:

if we found we were not compatible in some respects, we should sit down and talk and figure out if the problems were solvable or not

Heidi LPC :

When you are young and free, as you both are, you want to feel a natural connection. When it is there, working through issues is a part of it. He didn't feel the connection, and is being honest about that. It is hard to take, I know, but at least you found out now.

Customer:

he did not give us any chance to have a formal communication

Heidi LPC :

He showed you who he is...

Customer:

he comes from a broken family. He told me that his parents did not know how to talk to each other

Customer:

sometimes he used inappropriate words on me, I tried not to take them seriously

Heidi LPC :

That is probably true... which is a clue that you would be in for a difficult road ahead if he had felt a connection with you.

Heidi LPC :

He just did you a huge favor!

Customer:

i couldn't accept the fact that a man, three weeks ago, was so caring and sweet, would change so fast

Heidi LPC :

If you believe that things happen for a reason, and that things always work out as they should... trust that right now...

Customer:

what i am thinking now is to find an opportunity to have a face-to-face adult talk. Do you think it is necessary?

Heidi LPC :

When things are outside of your control, you have to change the way you think about them. Instead of thinking "what is wrong with me that he wasn't into me", think "he is missing out on a wonderful opportunity, and I will recover just fine while Mr. Right is right around the corner!!" Instead of trying to make someone feel what they don't , just think that the answer will make itself clear soon... and until then, focus on yourself and making yourself feel good and keeping your power. Don't give him any power to hurt you by insisting a talk is necessary. You can offer it, but if he doesn't feel the connection, you would only be more hurt.

Heidi LPC :

He knows where to find you, and should he change his mind, he will most certainly let you know. Clinging on shows insecurity, and this is not an attractive quality. I wish I had better news!

Customer:

people say that there are thousands of fish in the sea. It is true. It is not hard to find some one you like. But it is difficult to find someone whom you like and he/she likes you in the same way.

Heidi LPC :

It is challenging, but not impossible... and things really do work out just as they should!

Heidi LPC :

My father always says "Trust the journey"... this is the best advice in the world!

Customer:

i want to have a last talk with him, just to make sure that he knows what this "break up" means. If we broke up, it is not likely that we could be friends any more

Customer:

i feel upset that he did not even want to give our relationship another chance

Heidi LPC :

That is up to you; you can always remain friends, if there was a friendship to begin with. It just takes being apart for a little bit first. You can ask him to talk with you and see if he agrees, but remember; you can't make anyone feel something that they aren't feeling naturally, no matter how wonderful you are.

Heidi LPC :

And, I'm sure that you are!

Heidi LPC :

I hope this chat has been somewhat helpful to you! I wish you all the very best in your studies and in your personal life! It will all work out, just as it should!

Customer:

thanks!

Customer:

do you feel like i am desperate now?

Customer:

he said that I was lack of maturity. Do you feel that i am not mature?

Customer:

i think a man who does not want to sit down and figure out the problems in a relationship, but rather just runs away, is not mature. Am I right?

Heidi LPC :

Desperate? Well, no. Hurt? Yes... hoping that you can bargain with him to stay involved... and wishing that he would, yes. Trying one last ditch effort to find out for sure... I understand you needing more closure, but keep your dignity about you. Groveling for someones attention is not something that will make you feel good about yourself, so keep that in mind. If he isn't feeling a connection, no amount of talking will make that appear for him, so he is setting you both free, which is actually more mature than just using you and dropping you in 2 months. I say, let him go, and good riddance. You can now find the right one!! Let me know how it works out; this chat will remain in the "my questions" tab at the top of your screen for you to access again later...

Heidi LPC :

To read again and maybe find some strength from it later...

Heidi LPC :

You are going to learn from this and find someone better... sooner than you think!!

Heidi LPC :

Trust me!! :-)

Customer:

if i try, I wouldn't leave any regret. I don't want him to have any regret in the future. So that's why I want to talk with him. I am not trying to get him back. Just hope that after this talk, both of us could understand each other better, and move on without any wound...

Heidi LPC :

Sounds good....a mature option... I hope that it gives you both the closure that you need!

Customer:

do you think a face-to-face talk is better or an email? I am comfortable to see him. Not sure if he would like to see me or not

Heidi LPC :

It won't hurt to invite him for coffee... it is always better to talk in person. If he says no, you can write one final e-mail expressing yourself, and end it there. You'll have to write me and let me know how it goes! I will be wondering!!

Customer:

Thank you, Heidi! I really appreciate that you listen to me and give me your suggestions

Heidi LPC :

It was my pleasure!! Good luck with whatever happens, and fill me in if you can!!! ;-)

Customer:

thank you and have a great night :)

Heidi LPC :

You, too!!! :-)

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 234
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
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