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Ask Heidi LPC Your Own Question
Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 278
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I have asked several questions concerning my wife and her behavior

Customer Question

I have asked several questions concerning my wife and her behavior but what I would like your opinion on is this, we are separated, almost 7 weeks, after 15 months of marriage, 23 months together. I am 60 and she is 57. This is my second marriage and her 3rd. We have a history, a 39 year old daughter, we dated in high school. She is refusing to come back to me unless I kick my 21 year old son out. He works, is a good kid, active in church. She is appearing to be more jealous of him than disliking him. My question is this, she has to know by now I will not kick him out and I have just about kissed her butt to come home. We have went out to eat a few times and she has been to the house a couple of times. Why, when I have had enough, and try to leave her alone, no contact at all, she acts out in some way. If she is not coming back to me why does she not move on and leave me alone. I have went a week right now with no contact on my part and the other night she started texting and then calling me, I did not respond. Why is she doing this if she is not coming home?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 5 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi! I hope to offer some assistance to you this morning! Sorry you are in such a situation...

Heidi LPC :

I am wondering if you clearly told her that you will not ask your son to leave, and the reasons that you won't? Or did you maybe say you'd consider it?

Customer:

I told her that if she would come back I would ask him to leave if he was to cause her any problems, again, he is a great kid but they have had minor disagreements.

Heidi LPC :

What it sounds like to me is that she isn't clear on the agreement, and is holding out some hope that you will choose her over him. If you could just be very clear and firm with her, telling her that although they have issues to resolve between the two (and that you are happy to do anything you can to help), that you cannot find a reason to turn your own son out of his home, and so the deal is either come back with him there, or don't come back. That will give her a clear picture of just what she is dealing with, and that either she acts as an adult and works it through with the son, or you will not be interested in continuing the relationship.

Heidi LPC :

You may have been stuck in the middle, taking a passive approach because you feel caught in between, and so she misunderstands what you truly intend or are willing to do.

Customer:

I have told her that he could not afford to make it on his own at this time and she has told me to send him up the street to his grandmothers. i told her that I could not do that. If she is not coming home why does she continue to aggravate me if I leave her alone. She told me the other day she has cancer but nobody else has heard this.

Heidi LPC :

Is she capable of being somewhat manipulative to get attention, or get what she wants?

Customer:

She sure is!

Heidi LPC :

Then it just sounds like manipulation, and self-interest... something that you may have to think twice about wanting to surround yourself with... sadly...

Customer:

Do you think if I continue to ignore her she will leave me alone .When I do she acts out. The other day she came to the house while I was gone and drove around in the front yard, messing the grass up, and stole my patio furniture, the second time in 5 weeks.

Heidi LPC :

You may have to just be clear, if this is what you want, that the relationship is over. And that, if she continues to behave in such a way, you will have to involve the police... but that you really don't want things to have to be that complicated. If you can file the paperwork, you may have to be the one to initiate the process so that there is closure, and it is clearly communicated to her so that she isn't left in a "limbo" of thinking that there may be hope. Ignoring is good to a degree, because what we give attention to we get more of. But, she may need a firm message sent her way about the true course that you are on.

Customer:

Do you feel she loves me, she says she does.

Heidi LPC :

It is tough to tell from such a short exchange, but love isn't generally a mature love when it is as selfish as it sounds regarding your son. Of course, I don't know her and I don't know her true intentions, but the behavior that you describe is very immature for someone at her stage of life. I wish I had a better answer there...

Customer:

Thanks!

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