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Hi! I hope to offer some assistance to you this morning! Sorry you are in such a situation...
I am wondering if you clearly told her that you will not ask your son to leave, and the reasons that you won't? Or did you maybe say you'd consider it?
I told her that if she would come back I would ask him to leave if he was to cause her any problems, again, he is a great kid but they have had minor disagreements.
What it sounds like to me is that she isn't clear on the agreement, and is holding out some hope that you will choose her over him. If you could just be very clear and firm with her, telling her that although they have issues to resolve between the two (and that you are happy to do anything you can to help), that you cannot find a reason to turn your own son out of his home, and so the deal is either come back with him there, or don't come back. That will give her a clear picture of just what she is dealing with, and that either she acts as an adult and works it through with the son, or you will not be interested in continuing the relationship.
You may have been stuck in the middle, taking a passive approach because you feel caught in between, and so she misunderstands what you truly intend or are willing to do.
I have told her that he could not afford to make it on his own at this time and she has told me to send him up the street to his grandmothers. i told her that I could not do that. If she is not coming home why does she continue to aggravate me if I leave her alone. She told me the other day she has cancer but nobody else has heard this.
Is she capable of being somewhat manipulative to get attention, or get what she wants?
She sure is!
Then it just sounds like manipulation, and self-interest... something that you may have to think twice about wanting to surround yourself with... sadly...
Do you think if I continue to ignore her she will leave me alone .When I do she acts out. The other day she came to the house while I was gone and drove around in the front yard, messing the grass up, and stole my patio furniture, the second time in 5 weeks.
You may have to just be clear, if this is what you want, that the relationship is over. And that, if she continues to behave in such a way, you will have to involve the police... but that you really don't want things to have to be that complicated. If you can file the paperwork, you may have to be the one to initiate the process so that there is closure, and it is clearly communicated to her so that she isn't left in a "limbo" of thinking that there may be hope. Ignoring is good to a degree, because what we give attention to we get more of. But, she may need a firm message sent her way about the true course that you are on.
Do you feel she loves me, she says she does.
It is tough to tell from such a short exchange, but love isn't generally a mature love when it is as selfish as it sounds regarding your son. Of course, I don't know her and I don't know her true intentions, but the behavior that you describe is very immature for someone at her stage of life. I wish I had a better answer there...