Funny that you brought up people ignoring their bills, considering the fact that I do a lot of bankruptcy law. I'll have to ask some of my clients sometime whether ignoring their bills gives them the illusion of being rich. :)
As far as where I am right now, the nightmares have been better since I started the clonazapam and mirapex. I have had some, but not every night. But with that, I started having them when I nap, which used to be extremely rare. But that's easily remedied by not napping. :)
I was super upset, as you know, with what happened when we tried the EMDR, and that night I did have a bad nightmare, and the whole incident was more present in my mind, waking and sleeping, I guess because it got really stirred up. But along with that, I was very upset about my reaction and feeling like I was stuck there and hearing the voices and the whole floating-above-my-head thing. I felt like my mind betrayed me again. And since then, when I think about it, the whole shame thing is much worse. The guilt maybe is the same, but the shame was becoming unbearable. But I have tried not to think about it, and have been able to more since last Monday, when I felt like my session with Linda went so horribly. And I haven't had to think about the real issues much since I've been so worried about the whole thing with Linda, although I came out of Monday's session feeling ashamed more about other stuff. About how I am feeling about the thing that happened, I don't know. I haven't thought about it a whole lot lately. But like last night, when I had no choice, I was thinking afterwards: "how did that even happen? how could that be real?" Then I was thinking (and am kind of thinking right now): "how is it possible that this one thing so many years ago even bothers me in the slightest? This is ridiculous." And the thing is, I'm not really sure what about it bothers me. If I try to break it down, it makes no sense. Like: (1) I was physically injured. So what? I'm fine now. There are a lot of things that would have hurt a lot worse. I've been physically injured before -- I don't think about those times any more. (2) it was on purpose - not an accident or sports thing -- again, I have been punched before. That was on purpose. Doesnn't bother me anymore. (3) they r***d me. Okay. Break that down, and it is forcing me to have sex, right? I had sex before that, and although I now think that wasn't a great judgment call, I can accept it as just that. And why does it matter so much that I didn't really want to do it? (4) I said and did things I didn't want to or didn't mean. Well, at the basic level, it's not like I never lied before or said something I didn't mean, to avoid hurting someone's feelings or to get out of trouble when I was younger, or whatever. (5) i swallowed urine and blood and experienced some other not-so-great things. Okay. I have eaten pretty disgusting meatloaf that probably tasted worse.
But, see, logic doesn't work here. I can't seem to grasp why I am so bothered by what happened, yet can't explain it away to myself. It seems so "large" for me, yet it was a few hours out of thosands, and to see it as the big deal I sometimes feel it is seems overdramatic. I read all of the things people post on after silence and stuff, and it's hard to believe I am "one of them," although some of the things they say, I just somehow innately understand and realate to. And I have begun ( a while ago) to recognize just how abnormal it is for me not to have had sex, other than that, in my 20's or 30's and I feel like it's somehow wrong that I kind of want to.
So -- to answer your question -- I guess I'm just going around in circles still. :)
About the singing thing --- it's a long story. It's not like C "schedules" me to sing -- there are technically 2 praise teams, and they are scheduled for alternating weeks, but I am on both, so I'm supposed to sing every Sunday. He said it was fne if I took a break from both choir and PT, but at that time told me he wasnts us to sing our song from our Easter program soon. I told him I would, if he would tell me ahead of time, and I woudl come to practice on that Wed night, if he agreed to practice that song first so I could leave. He agreed. But then he told P last night that he had to move things around and wanted to do that song this Sunday. Fine. P told him that I would probably come to choir tonight if he promised to practice that first, then I could leave. He agreed. He called me today and we had the same conversation. P told me last night that no singers showed up at PT last night at all (various reasons, none of it my problem) - but C said today that he still didn't know what he was going to do about singers Sunday. Since i only gave him a short warning about my "break" and since I would have to be there early Sunday anyway to do a mic check and practice our song, I agreed to sing on PT - because I'll be there anyway. But then he had CG (the other girl who sings wih me on that song) call me and tell me he had to reset things again, and we won't be doing it until next Sunday. She then emailed me and said he still needed me for PT Sunday, and then C called and said the same things, and that he really needed me still on Sunday. But now, since I have to go early again next Sunday, I might as well sing on PT ..... It was my own fault and got convoluted. but it seems like C refuses to get someone else to be on the other team, even, or to fill in for me. Does he think he needs to keep me close or to keep an eye on me or something?
Well, I need to get some more work done. :)