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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 235
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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hello ,im not sure where to start, i feel like i should

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hello ,

im not sure where to start, i feel like i should just as a simple question firstly - so the overall question is "how do i get over my partners deceased ex-girlfriend".

I have been with my current partner for 2 years. We have a beautiful daughter together and i love him with all of my heart. I know he loves me, but he had a girlfriend just before me whom he had had a past with before he met her and then they finally dated for 6 months before she passed away in a car accident.

He met me just after the first anniversay of her death and If he wasnt over her then, he played things pretty well and would have fooled me good. But the problem lies i think with me.. i just cant get over the fact he had this "love". That one person he thought potentally he was going to spend the rest of his life with and then suddenly boom shes gone, theres no closure. This wasnt a break up, there is no anger involved with them just pure love and when someone dies, as we all know, they suddenly become even more godly then they already were.

How am i to feel special, unique when i know he can never truely say i am "that love of his life", he will never be able to say, "i loved you the most out of everyone without lieing". i feel awful and selfish for thinking like this.. and its been an issue right from the very start of our relationship. I feel likeive been trying to work it out the whole time. I even made him a box to put all her memories in, as i think memories are special and i wanted him to know i understand he will always hold a special part of her in his heart.

He has a tatto on him she drew, Her mum used to txt my partner often saying things which kinda made him feel bad, even re-saying a whole message he wrote on her wall after she first died. I tried to understand all this.. as i knew she was grieveing too, but its gotten to the point where it felt like he still had his ex txting him as weird as that sounds. The place he comes from everyone knows everyone, he wants to move there, i wanted to at first but the more i think about it the more i feel sick inside about it. Im not sure i can be around all his ex's family (and i mean all his ex's.. everyone is friends of friends) He even thought it would be all dandy for him to go see his ex-gfs(the one before the one whom passed away) dad and family etc when we moved there.. in my mind.. the past is the past and it makes me feel weird that he is so close with them still.. i dont know if i am being ridiculous feeling like this.. that place he has memories with them.. i just want to make new ones.. not recreate old ones.

he even had to tell the mum before anyone that i was pregnate so that i didnt offend her?? that upset me alot since our baby had absoluetly nothing to do with her.. but i understood to the best od my understanding.

Im just at a loss of how to see things, or how to accept that i may never be that love of his life..
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi there! Thank you for your question and for using this site! I hope to be of some assistance to you with your question! It sounds to me that somehow you are feeling that you are competing for your boyfriend's attention. I am wondering if he says or does things to make you feel this way intentionally, or that you are just feeling more threatened by his relationships from his past? You are right on target with your description of the deceased being like an icon now, and that there wasn't closure, which makes it tough. The process of moving forward and releasing the past can't be done when one holds tightly to it, yet there is a certain level of "making peace with the past" that is understandable and helpful to do in order to move forward. I can't determine whether he is just making peace by staying in touch, or if it is a more clingy attachment... but you can tell, I'm sure.

Heidi LPC :

When you tell him that you are feeling as you do, what is his reply? Does he try to put your fears to rest? We approach most things in life from either a base of love, or of fear. You are fearful in a way, and once you face your fears... maybe of losing him, or something else (?)... you can eliminate them. What are you most afraid of?

Heidi LPC :

And, finally, I must say that you sound to be so very kind and supportive; giving him that box for his memories was such a kind and caring gesture. You have every right to build a life with someone you love who can be fully invested in you and your future together. Gently saying to him at some point that although you cannot erase the past, you can build a new future together... and that this is what you hope to focus on with him as soon as he is ready, this may be a way to begin to help him turn his attention to what he has now and to what he hopes will be.

Heidi LPC :

Of course, the only person we can ever control is ourselves in life. You can express your thoughts and feelings, and hopes and fears, and you can wish for your perfect outcome... yet only he can control his own feelings and responses. You have to almost, in a way, trust the journey. Know that people and situations are brought to us to teach us something, and that you are facing this particular issue in order to be given a lesson of some type... so look for the lesson, and trust that it will al work out as it should. Keep your own dignity, be honest and loving, and follow your intuition. The answers will make themselves clear in time!

Heidi LPC :

As you are offline, I will await your reply or further information/questions.... until then, be well!! :-)

Customer:

hey heidi, thankyou for your response :).

Customer:

i definitly feel thretened by his past relationship(s), he hasnt realyl done or ssaid anything to make me feel as if im less then these. It is most likely my own insecurities. But still in saying that im still at a loss of what to do to overcome it i guess. I guess because my views on love are that "there is only one out there for you" and now i am just playing seconds until that day we all go and meet again, whereever that is. i will never know how he realyl feels about things, does he still miss her? did he think she was the "one".. ? of course i ask him these things and he replys with the answers i want to hear.. but ill never really beleive him, i cant, because if i were in the same shoes i know i would find it very hard to forget or pretend like they wont be in the back of my mind "the one that got away". I think your right about facing your fears, i guess i am fearful, fearful of not being enough perhaps? or the best of everything ?being perfect for him?... if we were ever to break up it would only be because i didnt think he "really loved me" even though he tells me over n over lol. Actions speak louder then words. thankyou for your words though, very inspiring. I know oneday im going to have to just trust what he says instead of questioning it, afterall out of all his relationships i am the longest and we have a beautiful daughter we love to death.. might just take some time. Its nice to be able to talk to someone about it who can understand. thnakyou.

Heidi LPC :

You already probably know all of what I said; I'm just here to remind you! LOL!! When people show you who they are, it is generally their real selves. Words can be manipulated, but if your true intuition says that he is being genuine, believe him. Trust is tough, but on the other hand, life would be terribly boring and lonely without giving our trust to others! Let your heart do the talking... and face those pesky fears... and enjoy your love!!

Heidi LPC :

Also, be careful not to project onto him how you believe you might think or feel if you were in his shoes. You are different people... and you are clearly enough for him!! :-)

Customer:

oh, and his attachement isnt really clingy it never really was.. right fromt he start.. which made me think.."why" why isnt he clingy.. he cant win eh lol.. but i did find that he just felt bad for not keeping in touch with her family and friends. I think he feels obligated to "look after" her mum, even though she has soo many people around her to care for her. she never acknowledged me in txts to him or mackenzie.. which made me think.. i made her feel uncomfortable being in his life.. i wrote her a nice email(i showed my partner first though).. to kind of introduce myself nicely.. and just let he know i could never replaced her daughter who i know will always have a special part in his heart and id love to meet her. I never got a reply so i decided to just leave it. He still has pictures on his facebook of them kissing only tagged ones... they makes me feel uncomfortable.. and there are comments with them saying "you guys are perfect together".. all these things just mush together to make me feel even worse sometimes.

Customer:

yeah lol sometims you just need someone else to say it to you! i dont get out much to see friends since ive had baby so its nice this service. ooo yes i do do that a lot, explain to him how "hes feeling".. bad habit i guess.. everyone thinks everyone thinks the same as you i guess! thankyou for your help

Heidi LPC :

Those memories are things that he will hopefully slowly eliminate... maybe he just can't delete them yet; just try to trust and relax a bit... and focus on what you do have as opposed to what might happen. It was my pleasure to chat! This chat will remain in the "my questions" tab so that you can access it, or me, at anytime in the future! Be happy, be well.. and be in the "now"!! Take good care!! :-)

Customer:

yes perhaps, its not really my place to tell him to delete them. :) thankyou for your help! xx

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 235
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
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