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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Hi Kate, How are you? I just need some help with something

Customer Question

Hi Kate,
How are you?

I just need some help with something if that is ok, i need an outside clear eye to help me understand what is going on.

I am having a hard time thinking of that dark voice i told you about as me, this doesnt make sense to me.

I would really like to describe what happened in therapy today and see if you can understand what is happening, my therapist thinks the dark v is in the air and causing stuff to be funny

My therapist says i never give her any detail that i always skirt over things or use half sentances. I wrote to her before the session explaining that i dont talk to the dv it talks to me, i am supposed to gent in touch wiht it and ask its real name, I find the idea of this frightnening.
and when i have tried it it is like i get cut off from myself and fuzzed out of my own brain also when i have tried that i get this other stuff going on which is a couple of kids bouncing around the place shouting like kids wiht their hands over their ear teasing the dv, saying lets call it names that are silly for it etc. i know this all sounds sill and i dont understand it or believe it myself.

the thing is my therapist was very frustrated with me today and my lack of detail but what she doesnt seem to get is that i havent spoken about this stuff really and there is no more detailed information i dont have detail about anything, then when she gets frustrated and withdraws i freeze up and panic and i cant find a detail if it hit me in the face.

she says that i dont give her precise details of the conversation in my head but she doesnt know that that is tricky and i am all over the place and it is hard to keep hold of those things

i know its frustrating but i have no more that the first line or sentance of anything to do with me, i only have surface. i think this is because when i was little i used to answer questions as neutrally as possible because
if i gave an answer and it was not the right one i would be for it and if i said nothing i would be for it

My therapist said she doesnt understand how i will do what the dv says when i wont talk to it, when she says this it feels like she is headmistressy and it frightens me like she doesnt believe me and she is going to say that i am wrong, but she doesnt understand that the dark voice makes me do stuff sometimes, sometimes i dont know what is going on and sometimes its just so powerful that you do it.

it annoys my therapist that i dont know things but when i dont know its as if my mind has been fuzzed away from me or emptied out or gone blank and also if i panic because she is being cool with me i cant think

I feel that the whole session was quite weird

Can you help me understand and if you think I am being ridiculous or a liar please tell me because i dont know whether i am coming or going
thanks
c
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello C! I am doing great, thank you! It's nice to hear from you.

 

I understand what you are saying. Everything you said makes sense.

 

First, I'm sorry that you experienced a tough time in therapy today. It can be difficult to work out these issues when the communication breaks down. Your therapist may be frustrated, but that is more about her issues than yours. People become frustrated because they do not know how to handle something and feel overwhelmed. So try not to take her reaction in as all about you. She owns her own reactions.

 

It makes a lot of sense that you are not clear on what you feel or what your thoughts are. You learned to be neutral because to be otherwise when you were a child meant you would get hurt. And since you never knew how hurt you would be, you made sure to learn how to express yourself in a very neutral way. Undoing that kind of ingrained learning is possible, but it does not come automatically. It takes some time and persistence. That is something you and I can work on if you'd like.

 

The dark voice is real. It probably developed as a result of something you experienced while being abused. It feels outside of you because it was a part of you that either dealt with something so horrific you could not take it in, or it was as a result of something you could not keep as part of yourself, like an "unacceptable" emotion that if expressed would have got you hurt. I understand you are frightened of it but since it is part of you, it will not hurt you. The key is to find out why it's there, but slowly and by easing into it. You cannot just decide one day to accept this part of you. It was separated from your personality for a reason.

 

One thing you might want to try is to write down the attributes of the dark voice. What words do you associate with it? See what you come up with.

 

When you feel safe enough, you may also want to try becoming dark voice. See things from it's perspective. What does it feel? Why is it there? When you feel ready to do this, be sure to either be with your therapist or someone you feel safe with who understands you. We can also do this together, but only if you feel safe enough and you feel it would help.

 

This is hard but what you are dealing with makes a lot of sense. It helps if you realize that this is not your fault and that you deserve help with what you are going through. I hope your therapist can realize that and support your efforts. I think you are doing a great job and facing some very tough situations.

 

Kate

 

PS Just a reminder that I will be on the road for the next few days. If you post, I will write back as soon as I can get access to my computer. I don't want you to feel I've disappeared!

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5458
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,
Thanks so much, it is sometimes so hard for me to see things, i needed a reality check to see if I was completely getting things wrong. I can't tell. I am trying really hard to tell my therapist things but i dont know some things sometimes and sometimes i wonder if everything i think is a mistake and i make it up and then when i try to find detail about anything and i dont have any, sometimes not even what happende at breakfast i think that i imagined the things i think i know, i know its convoluted but everything is so confusing.

Thank you Kate and also for the reminder about the weekend, I appreciate it.
thanks
c
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

I think that these things seem so unreal to you or distant from you because you had to make it unreal or think about it as made up so you could cope. Think about it, you were not allowed to express your feelings even through you were in a highly emotionally charged situation that evoked very strong emotions. It is like asking a soldier not to react to a bomb set off in front of him and seeing his buddies killed. He would have to repress his feelings then try to cope with them somehow. After so many bombs over the years, he would have to find a new way to cope. That might be to deny the bombs went off or that anyone even died (they are really off somewhere else and I imagined it all), or deny his feelings.or even section off his feelings so he did not even have to acknowledge them. This is what happened to you.

 

What you say to me makes a lot of sense. You are not making these feelings up or imagining anything. Just the fact that you are reacting to them and seeking help tells you they are real.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thank you Kate I feel a bit better about things, its just reassuring that my assessment of things isnt totally off the wall
I am hitting the bath hard now for some serious r and r
thank you
C

Enjoy your trip
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Thank you, C! I will still be in touch if you need to talk. I am counting on checking in at least once a day while I'm gone.

 

If I don't talk with you, have a Happy Easter!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Kate, I appreciate you are not at home so if I miss you I understand.
I am in such a muddle my therapist says that the dark voice is my shadow and that everyone has one and that i have disowned mine. Its so tricky to understand - I just can't find a way to take this on board, the dark voice is horrible horribel if its me then i am so horrible. why am i always horrible, i dont want to do therapy to find out i am more horrible that i already think i am. i am thinking about quitting therapy the hard thing of that is i can't live without my therapist and i am so lonely
I had my mole removed and i showed the dr some others and i have to go back and have two more removed and its going to be six to eight weeks before i get the results. i am finding things so stressful.
my t told me that yesterday she was more challenging and less soft with me because i need reparenting and she needs to be strict sometimes.
thanks c
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hello C!

 

I am at my destination so I can respond.

 

It sounds like your therapist believes in Carl Jung's theory. Carl Jung was a famous theorist in psychology during Sigmund Freud's day. What your therapist believes is that your dark voice is an unconscious part of your mind that represents your weaknesses or shortcomings. Your dark voice, or side, may appear in dreams or visions. It represents a part of yourself that is conflicted and needs resolution.

 

This is one interpretation of your dark voice. Considering that you were diagnosed with DID, the dark voice could also be a part of yourself that is sectioned off to represent something you could not face or cope with as a child.

 

I know this is confusing. It is hard to hear everyone's interpretation of what the dark voice might be. And there are as many interpretations as there are theories in psychology. But what is most important here is what you feel your dark voice might be and what you want to do to address it's existence.

 

Your dark voice is there for a reason. Whatever reason that might be, it came to be because of what you went through as a child. Trauma brought it into your life. Otherwise, it would not exist because you would not need it. So the focus should be finding out how you feel about it, finding ways to explore why it's here, and working on integrating it so it goes away and you feel better. That is why I mentioned that you might want to give it a voice or list it's characteristics. The more you know about it, the better you will be able to find a way to address it's existence and hopefully resolve it.

 

I am heading out but will be back tonight if you want to talk. I'm thinking of you.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,
thank you so much that helps, i think that the dark voice is not me it takes me over and controls what i do sometimes when i know and sometimes when i dont. i would like to chat about this more but for now while you are away i will only post if things are dire for me
enjoy your weekend
thanks for being so warm
c
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

C,

 

You're welcome! I want to be here for you. Thanks for letting me know more about the dark voice. Let's talk about it in detail. If you want, you can post anytime today and I will answer when I can tonight. Otherwise, I can try to catch you in the morning, since you are up before me!

 

Kate

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