Hello C! I am doing great, thank you! It's nice to hear from you.
I understand what you are saying. Everything you said makes sense.
First, I'm sorry that you experienced a tough time in therapy today. It can be difficult to work out these issues when the communication breaks down. Your therapist may be frustrated, but that is more about her issues than yours. People become frustrated because they do not know how to handle something and feel overwhelmed. So try not to take her reaction in as all about you. She owns her own reactions.
It makes a lot of sense that you are not clear on what you feel or what your thoughts are. You learned to be neutral because to be otherwise when you were a child meant you would get hurt. And since you never knew how hurt you would be, you made sure to learn how to express yourself in a very neutral way. Undoing that kind of ingrained learning is possible, but it does not come automatically. It takes some time and persistence. That is something you and I can work on if you'd like.
The dark voice is real. It probably developed as a result of something you experienced while being abused. It feels outside of you because it was a part of you that either dealt with something so horrific you could not take it in, or it was as a result of something you could not keep as part of yourself, like an "unacceptable" emotion that if expressed would have got you hurt. I understand you are frightened of it but since it is part of you, it will not hurt you. The key is to find out why it's there, but slowly and by easing into it. You cannot just decide one day to accept this part of you. It was separated from your personality for a reason.
One thing you might want to try is to write down the attributes of the dark voice. What words do you associate with it? See what you come up with.
When you feel safe enough, you may also want to try becoming dark voice. See things from it's perspective. What does it feel? Why is it there? When you feel ready to do this, be sure to either be with your therapist or someone you feel safe with who understands you. We can also do this together, but only if you feel safe enough and you feel it would help.
This is hard but what you are dealing with makes a lot of sense. It helps if you realize that this is not your fault and that you deserve help with what you are going through. I hope your therapist can realize that and support your efforts. I think you are doing a great job and facing some very tough situations.
PS Just a reminder that I will be on the road for the next few days. If you post, I will write back as soon as I can get access to my computer. I don't want you to feel I've disappeared!
I think that these things seem so unreal to you or distant from you because you had to make it unreal or think about it as made up so you could cope. Think about it, you were not allowed to express your feelings even through you were in a highly emotionally charged situation that evoked very strong emotions. It is like asking a soldier not to react to a bomb set off in front of him and seeing his buddies killed. He would have to repress his feelings then try to cope with them somehow. After so many bombs over the years, he would have to find a new way to cope. That might be to deny the bombs went off or that anyone even died (they are really off somewhere else and I imagined it all), or deny his feelings.or even section off his feelings so he did not even have to acknowledge them. This is what happened to you.
What you say to me makes a lot of sense. You are not making these feelings up or imagining anything. Just the fact that you are reacting to them and seeking help tells you they are real.
Thank you, C! I will still be in touch if you need to talk. I am counting on checking in at least once a day while I'm gone.
If I don't talk with you, have a Happy Easter!
I am at my destination so I can respond.
It sounds like your therapist believes in Carl Jung's theory. Carl Jung was a famous theorist in psychology during Sigmund Freud's day. What your therapist believes is that your dark voice is an unconscious part of your mind that represents your weaknesses or shortcomings. Your dark voice, or side, may appear in dreams or visions. It represents a part of yourself that is conflicted and needs resolution.
This is one interpretation of your dark voice. Considering that you were diagnosed with DID, the dark voice could also be a part of yourself that is sectioned off to represent something you could not face or cope with as a child.
I know this is confusing. It is hard to hear everyone's interpretation of what the dark voice might be. And there are as many interpretations as there are theories in psychology. But what is most important here is what you feel your dark voice might be and what you want to do to address it's existence.
Your dark voice is there for a reason. Whatever reason that might be, it came to be because of what you went through as a child. Trauma brought it into your life. Otherwise, it would not exist because you would not need it. So the focus should be finding out how you feel about it, finding ways to explore why it's here, and working on integrating it so it goes away and you feel better. That is why I mentioned that you might want to give it a voice or list it's characteristics. The more you know about it, the better you will be able to find a way to address it's existence and hopefully resolve it.
I am heading out but will be back tonight if you want to talk. I'm thinking of you.
You're welcome! I want to be here for you. Thanks for letting me know more about the dark voice. Let's talk about it in detail. If you want, you can post anytime today and I will answer when I can tonight. Otherwise, I can try to catch you in the morning, since you are up before me!