Hi! I am hoping to be of some assistance to you here this evening... I am so very sorry that you have been through so much in your short life!!
You seem to be identifying yourself as a victim of circumstances... and not seeing the power that you have inside to overcome the effects of the circumstances... does this sound true?
We all engage in self-talk... we tell ourselves things all the time, all day long. The trick to managing this victim mentality is to stop yourself when you start talking to yourself in self-defeating language. It is really a choice we have to tell ourselves kind things, or destructive things. You can say to yourself, "things really stink, I am nothing but a victim"... or "I have been hurt, but I refuse to let it define me. I am a survivor, and will use my struggles as learning experiences that will make me stronger and better in the end." And, as far as the self-harm goes, this is simply a way to get the body to release pain-relieving chemicals into the body. I wonder if you may be a candidate for some temporary anti-depressant therapy?
It is tough for me to be able to say, but I wouldn't guess that a drug which you have used successfully for years is now causing issues... however, this is a good thing to discuss with your Dr... sometimes, nightmares are just a signal that you are stressed over something in life. And, you mention being sad over the loss of your grandmother... your stress may just be getting expressed during your sleep...
Absolutely! The dream state is when the mind can unwind... and generally speakng, when we are extremely stressed, the mind just expresses it in pictures... and feelings... nothing prophetic or really predictive in any way, just expressive of the confusion or anxiety that we are experiencing.
What you may need is some training in stress management and progressive relaxation techniques. On you-tube, and all over the web, you can find information on the relaxation response... and how to help your body to let go of anxiety and stress so that you can focus and find some peace... I suggest maybe a search on youtube first for some videos that you can follow along with, practicing breathing fully, and slowing down the mind and body.
Here is one link that you can read... and follow along with to some degree: http://www.meditation-techniques-for-happiness.com/progressive-relaxation.html
And, here is one (rather old, but maybe helpful) video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ovpJfcJ0nZ4
I know that you have some burdens to bear in your life. I also know that you can make the choice to love from this time forward with your own goals, interests and wishes in mind! You are in control of your destiny from now on, and can choose to never let your past define your future! Is any of this helpful to you?
This chat will remain in the "my questions" tab for you to read anytime, and I am happy to speak with you anytime and try to help you find your way through whatever you may be facing! Take time to get to know your own body, and to know when it is saying it needs to unwind and de-stress.... and take your power back, and never let anyone take it away... ever again!!
You are strong... you are worth taking care of... and you will survive this!! :-)
You are so very welcome! Let me know how the stress-management goes--- and keep me posted on your progress!! :-) Be happy and be well!! :-)