Okay. What about this: What if I write Linda another letter, trying to make it very clear (I will run it by you and P) how I feel and how what she did/didn't do hurt me, even if she didn't mean to, and telling her I don't feel safe with her right now.
I can call her and tell her I want to get a letter to her before our next session next Thursday, and ask her whether I shoud mail it, drop it off at their main office, or email it (it is tricky, because she works out of one church, usually, and the main office is in another church, and I don't have a clue how to get something like that to her and keep it confidential). I want to tell her in the letter that I don't want to discuss it - I already know she had no intention of hurting me, but she did, and thre is really nothing to discuss and I don't want her apologies. And I'm tired of having to explain myself to everyone.
What are your thoughts?
I don't want to bash Linda, professionally, becasue as I have said, she has really helped me and I really like her, but I really think she did a few things wrong. She should have had someone in there with her to do the EMDR the first time, she should have been paying more attention to how I was reacting, and should have known if I was holding my ears and rocking -- which I have never done before -- maybe something was going on. She should not have cut corners in the EMDR process (like ignoring the "safe place" step). She should have been careful not to say something to me that, if she thought about what she was saying, was the opposite of what she should have said, since she knows my issues. And she should have focused on helping me deal with the damage caused last Tuesday (I don't want to seem overdramatic, but I feel like that whole EMDR experience caused damage) rather than just apologizing and talking out loud about what she should have done differently and what she may have done wrong. I think she should have known that I wouldn't want to continue hte EMDR after what happened, and actually, I feel like if I had walked in on Friday wanting to do EMDR again, she should have said no. But I am not a psychologist. I don't know her profession or what's right or wrong and it seems weird for me to judge her like that.
P wanted me to promise that if I talked to Linda about this stuff, I wouldn't preface or end it by saying "it's fine, but..." because it's not fine.
I don't know.
I have wondered, at times, since I started therapy, whether she might not be totally prepared or experienced enough to handle my situtation. I wouldn't think it would take that much specialization -- it's not likeI have a mental disorder or illness - and she has been a therapist for a very long time. But there have been things here and there, which seemed obvious to me, but which she did not pick up on. Just one example: when we were discussing self-blame, early on, I told her that I had read somewhere that it is sometimes a way to maintain the illuison of control. She acted like she had never heard that before, and thought it was very interesting. You brought it up right away, after I had kind of forgotten it. Also, I told her last week, before we did the EMDR, that I had read a bunch of stuff about peoples' experiences with it, and I understood it could be really difficult for the first few weeks - even out of therapy. She said that I would probably be tired, but that's all. Even Dr. Krakow asked me if Linda explained what I would be getting into with EMDR. I thought she had, so I said yes.
Also, she seems to get bored with things easily, or maybe frustrated that they aren't working fast enough. She will start something, we will do it for several weeks, then she'll switch to something else. Or she'll be doing all sorts of stuff at the same time. Maybe that's the way it is supposed to be - I don't know. But I did tell her I needed to focus on one thing at a time (one method or whatever), because otherwise, it is overwhelming and I can't focus on anything.
So I guess what I am saying is that I have questioned whether she is qualified to help me deal with these issued. But it is set off by the fact that I felt so comfortable with her and trusted her more readily. There's a lot of value in that. Someone could be the smartest person n theworld and know everything there is to know to help me, but if I don't feel comfortable or trust the person, it can't work.
And how would I even find someone else? And I'm afraid it would mess up things with Dr. Muraida. I feel like it was such a blessing for me to feel comfortable with Linda right off, and I feel like I would have to go through a ton of potential therapists before I found someone else I may feel comfortable with.
Considering some of my issues, do you think a male therapist would be better for me?
I don't know what to do. But I am seriously considering the letter thing, as long as I can get it to her before I have to go again, and she has time to read, digest and consider it - rather than reading and responding in my presence.
Let me know what you think.