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Heidi LPC
Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 235
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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My mother had to return to FL to empty her little haven of

Customer Question

My mother had to return to FL to empty her little haven of an apartment that my stupid sister and her husband financially mismanaged, mom called very upset and said how sad she was, the next week I got an email from what would be reputable cardiologist who apparently had I done my research would never have recommended to my sister to take my mother...in any event the appointment happened and the creep and my sister I guess agreed what was to happen to my poor unwilling mother..angiplasty for blocked arteries that no doctor in her home town of Toronto, Canada would ever agree to operate on, yet this guy did..as well put her on plavix while she was already on coumadin and other meds for diabetes etc..now I just obtained the medical records to note in one of the attending doctors reports that she should be agressivly monitored, yet the surgeon cleared her for travel back to Toronto because my sister was being verbally abusive so my mother stayed in her room locked for days ...the surgery happened on the 6 of February and my mother died of a brain hemmorage to the 'pons' section of her brain...ON MARCH 8th one month after the procedure..my question: had she had more agressive monitoring would that have happened? 2. Should the doctor have given her plavix despite her history which she had a previous stroke 2 years ago, 3. Should the doctor have done bleed time to check the coagulation of her blood if so how soon after the procedure..and finally 4. why would a doctor with my mothers history do invasive surgery on a 76 year old woman with all her complications, history???? I don't know who to blame since her age I can't get a straight answer from any attorneys and the doctor has basically shhhhed me..my beautiful beloved mother is gone and my siblings won't agree that had she have had the monitoring she would never have had the bleed from the meds..PLEASE someone answer me I'm going nuts all by myself because I feel this is a 'murder' which should have and could have been very much avoided..
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Heidi LPC :

Hi there.... I am so so very sorry for your loss... I want to be able to help you in some way, but I am wondering if you are more looking for a medical opinion as opposed to something in relation to mental health... is that more of what you are looking for? I was going to suggest that we get your question re-listed into a different category if that is more applicable...

Heidi LPC :

You have obviously been through a great deal and may be looking for some emotional support, as well, and I just wanted to be sure that you get what it is that you are looking for here on the site. Please let me know how best we can be of some service?

Customer:

well on one level I do agree with you but my mental health is of concern while the other parts of the question certainly should be handeld by a different category if you think..I can not accept the negligence of my siblings who allowed her to travel, who also had an entire month to get her to follow up post op and who have completely become like a lynch mob to me, and my husband, and now not only have I lost all hope of ever reuniting with them becuase I feel they were partiailly repsonsible but for the way they are handling this and I'm alone so much with a gut full and I can't get over this..

Heidi LPC :

You feel like you were completely helpless to help her... and that things were done outside of your control... and done wrongfully... this is a very painful position to be in, and I am sorry that you have to try to manage such a painful situation...

Customer:

Do I just move on with my life, remember my beautiful mother and know that my family helped to kill her, and this doctor who had absoultely no right, walks around as a self proclaimed 'spiritual healer' and has no accontability becuase in the state of Fl. no one will take this claim on as a wrongful death..so I'm alone dealing with this and feel sick..how can I just go on and be 'normal"

Customer:

Heidi, please tell me you are not a social worker but in fact a licensed psychotherapist? or psychiatrist?

Heidi LPC :

You have a right to feel angry... and vulnerable... and all that goes along with that. You have every right to ask questions and want answers...

Heidi LPC :

I am a licensed psychotherapist...

Customer:

but no one is responding so what do I do with all this PAIN

Heidi LPC :

I, too, lost my mother to a drug that was administered to her wrongly. I know somewhat of how you are feeling.

Heidi LPC :

I didn't have any family to blame for making irresponsible decisions, though... just doctors...

Heidi LPC :

So, I can relate somewhat to the pain you are feeling, and the loss, and the anger...

Customer:

I feel so empty, like my mother didn't ask for this, she and I were talking about passover dinner which I was to travel to Toronto with my children, husband and self this week and now my sister, my other 8 siblings are like vultures emping the contents of her apartment in Toronto with no accountability, I called a family estate attorney and to freeze the assets would not be an option since the value is not worth it but my siblings won't take any accountability and I'm SICK

Heidi LPC :

What I do know is that, sadly, all the anger in the world cannot bring her back... and that each member of your family is going to have a different reaction and response to this.

Customer:

the loss, the anger, it should not have happened! The injustice, the law which will not allow because my beautiful mother was 76 for a malpractice claim to be justified since the supreme court put a cap on how much one can sue for - it's all not only fair, it's criminal and I have to just sit here and lick my wounds like an ally cat who has been attacked and hope the wounds don't fester infection and kill me too?

Heidi LPC :

You want accountability... you feel something could have and should have been done, and you want some justice for her life...

Customer:

I know that she will not come back but why is her death in vain? How can they be so smug and distant

Heidi LPC :

... all of this is completely understandable... and they obviously have a different view of what happened... can this be possible?

Heidi LPC :

Were they as close to your mother as you were?

Customer:

I don't know what I want, I want the empty hole in my gut to stop feeling so empty..I'm sick with emotion and I'm observing the 30 days Shloshim (Jewish), mourning as well will have to continue for a year of refraining from music, tv etc..(I'm IN TV and MUSIC), for a living and although I can for 'work when it relates to work watch, or listen), it's a reminder of what my siblings and that creep did to her and I AM helpless and don't know how to ever interract with them

Customer:

A different view, sure, they know what they did and all my emails to them were in vain, they say 'she's just 'crazy'..don't listen to her...when my mother was passing away at the crappy Canaidian hospital (no intervention), as soon as I walked in the room and spoke with my mother was when her meters started going crazy, and I told her I was there and she didn't have to worry any more, I recited the s'hma (big important Jewish prayer), in her ear and soon after she flatlined!! My siblings say it's because of me she flatlined!!!!!!!!!!!

Heidi LPC :

Please... whatever you do, don't EVER accept blame for this. It is a horrible sad situation... and your life will never be the same after. Once you express all this anger, over and over, for as long as you need to, you will eventually move past it. But, it has to all be let out... for as long as you need to... until you exhaust it....

Heidi LPC :

They say people let go when they feel safe... she felt safe when you got there.

Customer:

I'm sick, I can never move past this, I've lost my mother and my 9 siblings who were crappy anyway but for the sake of my poor children who are left now with no aunts or uncles..I can never look any of them in the face and know what 'they did' was right

Heidi LPC :

You have so much to sort out... and it is so very raw right now... your pain is palpable...

Heidi LPC :

Right now, I want you to think about what you have control over, not what you don't. You have the ability to control your own decision-making, and you have your husband and children for support.

Customer:

My mothers yartziet candle is lit 24/7 and I can't look at it, I vasiilate between anger at my children/husband to complete silence, to disguest and wanting to strangle my siblings and they just sit silent, it makes me sick

Heidi LPC :

You must have some time to grieve and to let this all out... it is ok to let it all out...

Heidi LPC :

You just want your mother back...

Customer:

My husband is there for me but not really there if you know what I mean, my children are also grieving and I feel so badly for them and I don't have the answers for them, I'm weak and when they need me I am angry

Heidi LPC :

It isn't supposed to be easy or organized... it just is what it is. Your family loves you, but they didn't have the same relationship with your mother as you did...

Heidi LPC :

I know you are angry... and I can see why... you just have to decide how this energy can be utilized best right now. How can you get to a place of acceptance of her death, while making sure that her life wasn't lived in vain? How would she want you to be handling this situation?

Customer:

No they did not at all but I never wanted to say I was her favorite because they all said that, although I know she loved me so much because she spoke with me right after the first couple of hours in the emergency..I'm very serious and not joking or delusional..in Jewish faith sometime people who are presumed closer to the deceased do have contact..it seems..it's not the first time this has happened..but when she came into my bedroom where I layed half asleep after hearing the news she said, in French she couldn't get out, and asked me for help..I mean this very seriously, again not the first time in my life this has happened, and I don't go around telling anyone I'm special, clarvoiant or anything like that...my grandmother did this to me as well..Yes my mother and I had a very very special bond like no one else and for this they all hated me

Heidi LPC :

I am from a half-Jewish family... I get it...

Customer:

place of acceptance of her death,? I don't know how to do this? I don't know how she would want me to handle this -- probably by 'SHALOM' peace which I can not find in my heart, I hate them, I hate that doctor, if you saw his links you would now what a charlaton he is, resurrecting people from the dead!! but she was Jewish so when I called him when she had the stroke he wouldn't even call me back

Heidi LPC :

You have every right to your anger... and no one can take that right away...

Heidi LPC :

Yet, we have to figure out how to channel it.

Heidi LPC :

You are still in such shock and pain... it seems that all that can help now is to talk about it, over and over, and write, and cry, and scream and shout if you have to...

Heidi LPC :

Do you still feel her with you?

Customer:

I try to work and get some things done, but I vascilate and am so unsteady, I go for walks with the dog, I tell my daughters I love them and the next day I yell at them, the 6th is the second seder and the end of my shloshim, 30 days, and I can never be normal. .I do cry, I do write, I do scream, I'm sick but I'm so alone without the support of the family who I hate and when I need them the most they arn't there..they all have each other and I'm alone and I'm sick because I want to scream at them and look at their expressions and tell them that they did this to my mother, if only they had taken care of her durig that very fragile time, if only my sister did NOT give consent, my poor mother called me up cursing my sister out for 'pushing' her to have the surgery against my beautiful mothers will, she said over and over and over, she pushed me, she pushed me, she pushed me..how can I live with this?

Customer:

I called my mother every day and begged her to go to post op and she kept saying in french ok my daughter, your sister will make the arrangements, she is, but also telling me she had pain and didn't feel well and I felt sick and helpless that they were looking after her and she didn't want to worry me..but now it's too late

Customer:

what would you do

Heidi LPC :

What are your choices now, at this point? You can't go back... if you could have saved her, you would have... you had to trust your siblings to help, and you were helpless to control what happened... but, honestly, do you really think they wanted her to die?

Customer:

my older sister YES! Because she was her main care giver in Florida, along with my meth addict brother in Toronto Canada and my sister put herself in the hospital WHEN my poor mother was locked up in her small room at my sisters house in FL. because she was presumably having 'chest pains'..convienient and my poor mother called me crying from her cell saying she was worried about her....yet the doctor cleared her for travel becuase my sister and her selfish husband needed a break..Imagine. I know she couldn't take my poor mother being around any more and secretly hoped for the worst..I believe that..why would she act so quickly to try and obtain her jewlery and belongings at my moms apartment in Toronto - she and her husband began gamling a few years ago and continued which became a problem and my mother always said so..anyway, maybe not really, but maybe wished it at that time, and got her wish!

Customer:

in any event I don't know what I'm going to do with all this junk..how long it's going to take to 'get past' whatever THIS is whether I'll ever be able to communicate with my siblings ever again I'm not in a hurry to find out, they lost a great sister and I will surrvive - I always have since I've been on my own more or less since I was 14 years old, with very very very little from any of that toxic army and this is more of the same of their crap and I hate them for this and I only hope my hate softens to 'nothinginess' for them for that'll be all I can muster for them. As for my beautiful mother may she rest in eternal peace for she is better off with G_D than in the hell hole she called family.

Heidi LPC :

With that said, you have every right to be angry... and that this isn't just a loss of your mother, but your family... there will not be any easy or quick remedy to this. This will be a process, and if you can possibly just trust this journey, there will be resolution in time. For right now, all I can say to your question of "what would you do?" is to take it 5 minutes at a time. I would allow myself to grieve and to speak to her, and apologize for her pain, and to try to see that if you have a religious faith, that she is ok... and that there is a lesson in this somewhere, but it won't become clear until later. I would keep telling myself that I know she loved me, and that as much as hindsight is 20/20, there will be justice in the end.

Heidi LPC :

There will be. Trust that.

Heidi LPC :

It is true that we are all just biological creatures with very short times on earth... and we must look for the lessons in this.

Customer:

I guess so, lessons I don't want, short time on earth I know, justice in the end, absolutely, and I am trying to get on I am I am just so sick that the vultures keep pecking at her few belongings and they can be so heartless and yes once again I know they think ill of me but not out of anger but jelousy for the love and bond my beloved mom and I had, and for that I can do nothing so their hate will forever be and I will forever be alone -

Customer:

and how does this doctor get away with this? and no accountability..I'm going to produce a film about this, and hope through that I will get my mothers blessings..because she always wanted justice.

Heidi LPC :

It is just stuff... and you had so much more than that with her... and that was what really mattered. Just go ahead and keep your distance as long as you need to... and I can say that although my mother and I were inseparable in life, we are even closer in her death. You WILL use this for some good; and Dr's, well, they are absolutely imperfect. I am convinced of this. And, they are nothing but humans.

Customer:

but this guy keeps practicing..look him up sometime soon, you'll see what I mean, Dr. Chauncy Crandall in Jupitar, Florida..look him up and see his claims when the 'good lord' told him to go back into the room of a paitent and 'pray for him'..and with that called in the nurses with their padles 45 minutes after the paitient flatlined and resurrected him.....argh

Heidi LPC :

I have no doubt that what you say is true! No doubt. And, the only thing you could do to him is get his money... and even that will not bring your mother back. That money wouldn't feel worth her life.

Heidi LPC :

One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.
~Anais Nin

Customer:

I completely know this!! But I want his LICENSE! I don't care about his stupid money although that could help some of the family wounds with their funeral bills etc..but that's def. NOT what I want, I want this man to stop practicing! and I won't stop until a full investigation is launched and even that won't be enough, I will make a film about him and change names but def. point out this kind of story.

Heidi LPC :

Do it! Use this for good!

Customer:

I have to but I lost my light, my beloved mother who would still be here if it wern't for the carlessness..anyway Heidi, I don't want to go in circles.

Heidi LPC :

I know... I really do know... just take your time... this is a horrible, horrible loss, and it will not go away for a long, long time... I just wish that in time, you will be able to find the peace you are needing so badly. I know that there is nothing anyone can say that will ease this pain, other than to have faith that there will be an answer someday... and that you will have her with you everyday from now on, and that karma carries a heavy price...

Heidi LPC :

Be gentle with yourself... look deep inside and know that the answers will come. Take care of yourself and of those you love... and pray if this helps you to connect with forces beyond yourself.

Customer:

I completely know this to be true, and have a sense of loss knowing this becuase if it wern't true I would still have the hope of a family to look forward to for holidays etc..

Heidi LPC :

Don't plan ahead for what you expect will happen later. Be here now... life works in mysterious ways...you know this. Stay in this moment, and focus your attention on what you CAN do, and distract yourself with one thing you find comforting... just one thing a day, if you can.

Customer:

Heidi, these words are 'blurry' to me in the course of my day to day and although what you say is wise and very clear and true, I can only apply it when I can 'see'..right now I see nothing but tsunami of emotions..but I will try...

Heidi LPC :

Survivor's guilt, anger,blame and all the rest of the emotions you are feeling are all very very natural. Accept that, and feel it fully... and know that all you can do is to experience this pain now. Care for yourself very gently. This anger will find the proper outlet, and it will lessen each day... and then you will make decisions more clearly as time passes...

Customer:

You have given me some consolation and for that I apprciate

Heidi LPC :

I truly wish you peace and light and comfort and eventually, joy... shalom, my friend... and hang in there. She will always be with you.

Customer:

I hope you are right Heidi. Thank you for everything..

Heidi LPC :

Let me know how things work out... I will be thinking of you... :-)

Customer:

thank you but to let you know means to 'reaccept' additional fees ?

Customer:

Sorry, I can find that out myself..I'm accepting your time spent here Heidi. Again I thank you

Heidi LPC :

I thank you for using the site... and I send you all my energy and thoughts! Take good care!! :-)

Heidi LPC, Psychotherapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 235
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Heidi LPC and other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
I am thinking of you today, and hoping that you are taking deep breaths, moving slowly, and reminding yourself to stay in the moment... and doing something comforting. I was thinking this morning after our chat that I wanted to add that I, too, consulted lawyers and wanted the Dr. to be punished. The drug company later determined that this drug was the root cause of the issues that led to my mom's death. I worked for a couple of years to try to get resolution, and after a period of time, it occurred to me that I was actually keeping my pain alive and restricting my actual grieving process through these actions. But, this took YEARS for me to come to; and I had to go through the process to get to where I am today, 10 years later. You will get there, too... and the answers will become clearer with time. But, again, for now... stay in this moment and do whatever feels good, or at least comforting and distracting... and keep the faith. :-)
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I am trying to stay in the moment of the tsunamis when they hit, the anger when it flares up, the sorrow when it engulfs me..the loneliness and the disbelief, even if it keeps the pain alive trying to understand and accept how certain people could hurt such a beautiful and frail human being who was supposed to be here this week.
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
When this portion of the storm starts to break up, and it may be quite sometime before this happens, I would like to offer you something to consider; we all create "shoulds" and "musts" that we define our lives by, and the lives of those around us. (The comedic term for focusing on these in all aspects of life (ours or others) is "musterbating"... I hope that brought a tiny glimmer of a smile to your face ;-) When events occur that are in direct opposition to our beliefs of how things should or must be, it causes turmoil in our minds. These definitions are different for everyone, as are the outcomes. Later on.... much, much later....what I'd suggest is that later, after you have survived this horrible storm, that you ask yourself to evaluate your thinking in terms of these words and examine your own shoulds/musts for both yourself and others, and change these words to ones like "wish" and "prefer" and "hope", with the potential that there are sometimes varied ways to view of things.... and that you can either hurt yourself or others with this thinking, or help. Right now, it is too soon... you rightfully feel that your mom "should still be here"... and I would again validate this anger, and that someone "should" have done something much differently. Later, you just might be able to say to yourself, "I wish with every ounce of my body and soul that things had been different, and I hope & pray that this situation will result in an eventual level of resolution and understanding within the family." Once you get to the place where this happens, healing will begin. Keep taking one minute at a time....
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
"I wish with every ounce of my body and soul that things had been different,

I've ALREADY done this I wish business Heidi but that does not take away the very very very real facts that surround the death of my mother and I can not give anyone ANY slack at ALL! Stupidity and carelessness are NEVER an excuse - sorry!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I take one minute at a time Heidi and not one second of that one minute is not spent in disbelief or acceptance of the circumstances, that each one of my siblings including me of which I own up my share, fell short of doing the basic due dilegence on sustaining my mothers health when she needed it most, the doctor visit which was absolutely required on a regularity post op never happened..there was 30 days and each day a new opportunity to get her to the doctor and to have her bleed time checked..she gave everyone the cues that she felt like crap, I called her every day to ask her if and when she was going to the doctor and each day she said my sister is handling it..YES maybe I should have jumped on a plane to do it myself, but I thought they would understand the severity and handle it properly..a simple reg. check up would have avoided her death..you want me to 'accept' this and look forward to the day when all the 'should and coulds' change to 'wish'..uh uh..not going to happen
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Oh no.... I wasn't writing you with the intention of any payment at all... it was just a follow-up thought, and I am sorry if the intent to help was taken in the wrong fashion. I will no longer follow-up with you, and I truly wish you all the best in your future.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I was only asking Heidi, I know you are a concioncious person and meant to only follow up and I appreciate it..since I'm not speaking with anyone else you are helping me TRY and keep some kind of clarity although I can't for the life of me ..I apologize I also didn't mean to be difficult..but considering I smashed a mug on the floor today in a fit and yelled until my throat is sore anyting was possible coming out of me as misinterprettion
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

I completely understand; I just don't want to make things worse for you. Your pain is so deep, your anger is so strong, and your rage will continue for a bit yet... I know that you need to keep finding ways to vent it and to work through it.. .

 

I am sure that you have heard of the stages of grief, and you already know that you are in the anger stage; You just have to keep venting to get it all out and eventually this storm will blow itself out. I promise. Get as much exercise as you can to alleviate the build-up of stress chemicals in your body... and keep working towards channeling it into problem-solving so that this never again happens to someone you love. If the mood strikes, keep talking about how you feel to me, I am happy to reply with no intent to be paid!! I mean that--- i identify with what you are experiencing and am happy to be of any support that I can be... keep taking good care!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I know you identify with what I'm saying..since your mother passed a similar path, which is ironic in and of itself, how we connected..in any event, I look at my daughters and know they can't express themselves yet today they too came home from school and were mad all day my little one said, and started crying in the car when I asked her if it was my mother her grandmother, to which she said 'she was going to teach me to knit'..and how she then said she is not gone mamma..I drove her and her sister to the mall tonight briefly and couldn't help wondering how foreign everything felt, how surreal, the crowds, the shops, the smells, the loud music..All I wanted to do was run out and get to the safety and quiet of my car..I couldn't stand being there but did it for my daughter sensing her feelings and wanting to help her be distracted..My big one, 17 year old went to meet some friends and even though she puts on a smile she too told me today and each day it hits her out of nowhere..to which I tried to explain to expect more of that and not to deny her feelings..sure I can sound rational now but I feel so empty and raw and don't know anything but minute to minute..I did try and do some business today although brief and my conversation appologizing to a producer for my lack of luster or complete attentativness to which fortunately an elderly man was sympathetic and not demanding. I have a lump in my throat all day and I am so sad. My husband kissed me today reminding me he loved me and that it was 'ok to kiss him back' to which I smiled sadly and said 'I know but...' I have until Saturday night to complete my 30 days and I can't just jump back into lovemaking with him..although it probably would do me good, but amorous I am not and somehow I feel like that would be a 'dirty act' given my raw emotions.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
keep talking about how you feel to me,...I think you were sent by my mother Heidi!!!!! I have to believe that...thank you...for being here..
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Last night my mother came to me in a dream..finally, I was waiting for her for the 30 days I am observing and the rabbis say the deceased do not come until it is over..As strange as all of that sounds, it's true..I saw her in a pink/red specled coffin and I sat accross from her, and at first I didn't realize it was a coffin but thought she was in a bed..but pink/red spectles was weird in the dream I remember remarking to myself..yet as I looked on her slumped in my chair she opened her eyes to which I said, 'hi mommy, can I get you something'..and she said in her usual matter a fact way, no, no, no..and then closed her eyes and 5 mins later her left leg was dangling over the bed/coffin and her right leg was uncomfortable looking so I stood up and picked her left leg up, put a pillow under it and did the same to her right..next she was somehow no longer on her back but sleeping on her belly with her head resting on her two cris crossed hands..and I noticed her right elbow was touching the hard surface of the bottome of the coffin/bed which was wood and hard and she looked uncofortable so I repeated with the pillows..the next scene was with my sister Marcelle who suddenly appeared and my mother did not have her top on and her breasts were dangling and you could see a dark scare on the left of her chest next to her heart yet she was standing now..and my thoughts went to what would my sister do when she saw my mother standing there, alive with no top on and smilling and waving her hands the way she would when she was happy...so Marcelle walked in with her jaw agape in complete disbelief and my mother was waving her hands and laughing with Marcelle while Marcelle held my mothers rib cage under her arms..........my interpretation is that she finally came to let me know 2 days before end of Shloshim and the night before the first sedar of passover that 'she is free'..........................
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Wow!! What a great dream!! I have always thought that dreams are a reflection of our feelings and current situations put into pictures, as well as sometimes a way for us to communicate through the levels of being and consciousness. If we put you into this dream equation, your own personal pain and discomfort, and your attempts to try to work it through to get more comfortable & to help yourself acclimate to this new, imposed, uncomfortable reality are slowly being achieved. You are trying everything you know to gain understanding & peace, and you are slowly succeeding!!! Keep up this hard, hard work!! :-)

 

And, the earlier post about the kids; I am so glad to hear that they are slowly moving through the stages of grief in an honest and straightforward fashion. Kids really are such great teachers in so many ways! I am glad to hear that you tried to get out and fill some time with some distraction. It will feel unnatural, but force yourself to keep doing this. And, as far as your marital relationship goes, you will once again feel like expressing your love in a sexual way... it just takes time and there is no reason to rush it until it feels like something you are ready for. Thanks for keeping me posted; you are in my thoughts!! You are a strong, strong woman!! :-)

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
We are back and forth and I am not so strong. I cry even though it's the end of the 30 days as of yesterday. Some neighbours invited us for the second seder and it felt good being with people since the night before we were just the family, my husband and two daughters and I sat rather miserably while I watched my mothers yartziet candle flickering in the background. I wondered how the seder went for my siblings and couldnt belive I was even thinking about them..I have a sister who lives about 45 mins from me who has my younger sister visiting her for the holidays and the last time she visited my sister she didn't even come to visit me and again despte what just happened and she called to tell me of her plans to visit my sisiter for the holidays she didn't hesitate to mention that if I wanted to see her that I would have to pick her up and that she did not want to 'come between my other sister and her'..to which I responded I didn't give a crap what she did whether she visited or not and that she knew where I lived and if she wanted to see her neices she'll have to figure it out becuase I won't come to her..I thought when she said that that my other sister had put her up to it since she never wanted to come visit and whenever my poor mother were here at my sisters (because my house was difficult with stairs and she couldn't go up and down), that my sister wouldn't even bring her here and was cruel then saying that if I wanted to see my mother I would have to come there..of which at that point I flatly decided I just wouldn't go..hoping my mother would inisist that she drive her to me and my children of course it never happened..so when my other sister now again repeated those words of 'me coming to get her'..it reminded me of how my other sister stood between my mother and I out of her own sick selfish need to try and hurt me for reasons that are so deep and sick I cant even discuss them here..but I hurt becuase I can't help thinking about my poor mothers belongings and how I would have liked to have had even a tablecloth for my seder table and my children said they would have liked to have had a pillow, and how we can't even discuss anything with anyone because the blood is so toxic and surely everything will be distributed by my other sister who had 30 days to get my mother to her post op appointment which surely would have saved her life, and I know for a fact that that is true..that my sister is distributing everything to her grandchildren, her children and all the other vultures who are on the sidelines and not deserving of anything.>Yes I am still very angry, yes I am still very much in disbelief, yes my heart aches whenever I look at her picture and yes I am lonely not knowing who did what with who for the holidays..I feel so alone in the world and yet I have so much to do, but I can't feel inspired yet at times I can work just not very enthusiastically. I wonder about that bastard doctor and how he should never ever have operated on my mother, I don't care if he is human and makes mistakes. The mistake was that he was careless and my sister and brother were careless and had 30 days to get her checked, 30 days! I called her almost daily to find out if she was going and she said no..I feel badly that if I had of just jumped on a bloody plane and dragged her there myself this wouldn't have happened..I've been to shul and it's not helping, it makes me sick that there I am standing listening to kadish for my mother and lighting yartziet candles for my mother and wondering why I don't even have a table cloth to feel like at least my memories of holidays past are not made up to try and hold on..I feel like I'm grasping at straws.....and my two siblings who are 45 minutes away can't even have the decency to come be together as a family for whatever it's worth, and to be with my daughters on this holiday..yet like two spinsters, one barren with no children and the other with two daughters both on drugs of choice, meth and oxycotin as a favorite past time and necessity............Today my mother-in-law called as she does every Sunday and as soon as I heard her voice I said, hold on and hung up on her..I can't talk to her, she never visited my mother and they live about 40 mins. from each other, my mother couldn't get around much and my in law always got around and was/is very active, yet she could not for close to 12 years visit my mother and the last time she was here she did stuff which pissed me off and for 20 years I've been the best daughter - in - law to her, when she lost her daughter to cancer 12 years ago I stood by solid like a rock for her, for whatever she needed whenever..and yet for my sick mother she never would even visit..she makes me sick and my husband yells at me becuase 'he still has feelings'..and it's his mother and all that crap..yet I want to throw him out to go live with her becuase he's making me sick too ........I want to move away with my two daughters and never hear from him or his mother..I can't look around the house with him in it and next to me snoring when all I can think about is my mother..I'm not having a very good day. Sorry.
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Here is a big (((((( HUG )))))) ... you have now officially survived the first holiday after your mother's death, and it was beyond tough. Holidays are going to be the worst... and with all the unresolved business yet lingering within the family, they will continue to be complicated until you get some resolution. Your anger is probably still eating you up mentally, emotionally and physically.... be sure that you are releasing all these chemicals through taking walks and doing some physical activity. This is a process; and know that you are doing a very helpful thing for yourself by writing when you feel overwhelmed by it. Soon, you will start to decide how best to channel it... and when you begin to use this energy towards action, it will dissipate into a much easier level to manage. Let me ask you this: what would be a description of the way things will be when you get resolution? How will resolution look and feel?

 

Take good care today.... I am thinking of you! :-)

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi there,

I went for a fast pased walk with the family yesterday..up the mountain as if on some mission from I don't know where..but climbed up and hardly even huffed and puffed like usual..climbing down same thing..I will continue to go to the gym although it doesn't release too much cause I usually end up crying while driving and often have to pull over cause I can't see the road from my own tears..I fell asleep on the swing outside yesterday in my backyard, it was a beautiful sunny day and after crying lots at the shul I read a little before passing out and the sun on my face felt good when I awoke.

I really can't see a resolution Heidi, honestly, I feel the loss of not my beloved mother alone, but my life as I once knew it..(which frankly was always pretty disfunctional anyway with my siblings sadly), and although I've always wanted the contrary not just for me but for my children who have no aunts or uncles and we always feel slighted with such a huge family and NO FAMILY!! Go figure...I will be missing the 'opportunity' of a possible get together when I'm in Toronto Canada which is where most of them reside currently..and my sentiment of knowing a big family would always be 'there'..will now be a long lost memory once I get past 'this'..I don't know what resolution should, could, will come of this honestly. I can't get past not having any of my mothers belongings as something to hold when I want to, and to pass to my daughters who she loved so much, because my murderer sister vulture and brother have made it quite clear that we will not even get a reply to an email query let along anything that should rightfully come to us..the blood is so toxic and surely everything is being distributed and I'm mad as hell, but havn't got clarity of my life at all into the future right now..I have some wishful thinking that I can now get more done for myself, become more introspective, something which so goes against my personality since I'm such an outwardly type, or type a personality..(triple a as I've coined)..so the future is not clear..but I hope for my mother to have revenge by being more successful in my own life, and turning my inward energy into postive things, unfinished business being finished and to my satisfaction..I don't know though and don't want to jump ahead of myself nor write what I 'want to happen'..but to actually allow things to unfold naturally on their own..my relationship with my husband is very strained, always has been and frankly I fantisize about being alone with my daughters and self..to do as I please, when I please without his approval, consent or knowledge..but by the same token he is my business partner and a clean cut matrimonial separation could never happen so I forsee staying in this dysfunctional relationship until I am strong enough, successful enough, confident enough to 'do what I need to do'..he loves me but his love for me has always been a strange one and not what I have really needed so for this I feel alone, and lonely and again find myself very much standing on my own..I don't want to be 'oh woes me and reliant on him or anyone' but I want to have more laughter from people who love me and right now I am down to my two daughters...and husband..I think...

Today my older daughter (17) and I went to the courts where she was accepted for an internship this summer..It was an exciting day for her and I have to say I was overjoyed for her as well..It's a great opportunity and hopefully the beginning of a postive bright future for her. We went to Target afterwards to shop for stuff which was fun..I hadn't done that with her in ages and I kissed her forehead when we exited and told her that I enjoyed hanging out with her..like old times..
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Happy for your daughter!! Glad you are climbing mountains!! These stress chemicals are amazing in their strength and ability to give energy... but of course, they are just a pain to have to cope with! ;-)

 

Life as you knew it--- now it is just in complete limbo, and that alone is unsettling; add to it all this emotion, and it is admirable that you are still standing--- you have the power within to change whatever you don't like about your life in time. Right now, you just need to try to get comfort from wherever you can find it, and laughter will be right around the corner again soon :-)

 

As a therapist, I am here to validate the feelings and thoughts of those I am fortunate to try to assist, but I also very gently nudge them towards what may be the next step... even if they can't see that there might be one... because if you can see it, you will achieve it. So, my question about resolution doesn't need an answer today or tomorrow or next week/month/year... when it feels natural, you will start to envision it, and eventually get to wherever that is. I just planted the seed :-)

 

Triple A personality?? Wow!! Intense!! ;-) Keep taking time for yourself this week--- and keep trusting the journey!! Keep expressing yourself--- and keep re-reading your writing; there may be some reflection in there that may help you to begin to make some sense out of this whole experience... and then again, maybe not! ;-) But, it is worth a shot!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
You know I don't belive in all honesty that there will ever be sense to make of any of this..and for this alone I have to think will be a sense of limbo, suspended in time waiting for 'something' to happen to change that course of 'nothingness'. I wonder why I have to pretend now like I was an only child because I could never forget, nor forgive my siblings and you have not given me in the writings Heidi how really I can deal with them? The resolution I would want? I don't have one which would matter unless I could turn the hands of time back. Is there ever the 'right time' when things will be better? The pain will be duller for sure, but like the fine gem, the diamond my mother was / is they chose to not polish her and help make her shine but to let her rust and tarnish. How I can't also blame myself for not being there when I too had the power to is something hopefully I will eventually forgive..and yet even if time would allow the images and truth to be less clear perhaps, I wouldn't want to change my position ever..Anger? Maybe, childish behaviour, maybe. But while I work during the day on things that mattered 'before' are all for what? to keep myself from doing internal harm to myself? maybe. But the joy I felt knowing my mother was there, to call impromptu, and to just even listen to her is gone...and I wander around the days hearing her speak to me about every day 'things' I do, and wonder if I'm loosing my mind? Being wishfully delusional or is she really here with me? What she would want is for me to stop my siblings from being the vultures if for no reason other than to save face..keep the integrity of what she was all about..I want to stop them..but I can't now, I'm stuck and allowing the days to pass by quickly without doing anything other than to 'wonder and wait'..for some sign from those morons, and know that they too will stay away as long as possible because they too feel guilty and wrong for their actions and involvement in all of this..but I wouldn't ever know how again to speak with them - I wouldn't know how to speak of this..I couldn't if not to only uphold my mothers integrity and wish for things to have been different. For her murder not to have happened!! 30 days to get her to post op. Tell me how to deal with that!?
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

What comes to my mind when I read your thoughts is that you feel that you may be able to... someday... forgive yourself for not stepping in, but that you're not so sure about forgiving your siblings. And, you aren't sure how or if you will ever be able to relate to them again. My question is basically: do you think you will eventually want to, someday far far down the road? Or do you not know yet? Do you imagine that you will want your kids to have relationships with the family? If so, then the goal will someday be to work these feelings out and accept the fact that they didn't know what the right thing was to do, didn't do what you wish they would have, you weren't able to step in, and the result was this horrific loss. Eventually, being able to delineate your feelings from your thoughts, and compare them your eventual plan for resolution, will be an important approach. Let me explain:

 

Some folks navigate through life by feelings, allowing their emotions and gut level reactions to determine their course, and to determine how they will behave. Some folks are able to observe their emotions rise and fall, respect them, and then choose whether or not expressing the emotion and acting on it is the best course. Some folks are primarily thinkers, and they use reason and rational thought in navigating through life. From our brief relationship, it sounds as if you are the "feeling" type, and so you are used to navigating based on how you feel, and acutely aware of how others make you feel, and sometimes, yes... this type of reaction to the world is a little more self-focused, as you mentioned. Right now you seem to feel "orphaned" and angry and sad, and it sounds like you think there must be some consequences suffered by those responsible for her death and your grief. Feelings are fluid, and thoughts only exist as we create them. They can be changed. You can toss around the idea that nothing is permanent; you may feel and think completely differently 12 months from now. Becoming aware of your own self-talk, what you are telling yourself all day long, the meaning you give to situations, the choices you make in how you choose to define and to look at things... this awareness is extremely valuable in gaining some power over the feelings and thoughts that feel right now as if they have ALL the power over you at this moment. It may come easy to change your thinking or it may be a struggle. You may be afraid that if you let go of this anger, you will be powerless and a victim of circumstance, and you aren't interested in that option. But, I will continue to challenge you to LATER, when you are ready, to decide whether your thoughts are in line with your eventual desired outcome.... and if not, to work on beginning to change them.

 

In regards to the family, I see 3 choices:

 

1. To refuse to ever have any relationship with them again. This choice will protect you from facing them and re-opening your wounds in the unresolved situation. You would be making a conscious choice to abandon the relationships permanently, and if you can eventually make peace with yourself and get to acceptance of the situation as it is, in your own mind, you won't be hurting yourself. However, If you can't eventually find some peace and acceptance, this choice will damage you personally for your entire life because holding onto resentment and anger will cause you emotional & physical harm in many ways. However, it is a choice, and many people make this one and find ways to adjust.

 

2. After some time has passed, make contact again, not to discuss the situation deeply, but just to see one another at weddings or funerals and fake it... either still holding on to the anger, pain & resentment personally, or being able to move through to acceptance that you will never trust them again, but refusing to let them take up any space in your consciousness. A "break-up" with limited social contact.

 

3. Reach out, past yourself, and try to begin the process of understanding why they did things as they did. Listen without judgment (which may be possible much later... not yet). Take your feelings out of the equation and just hear them, hear their regrets and the view from their vantage point... and try to understand one another, accept that none of you can go back and change it, but that you can choose to try to move forward together.

 

Do any of these choices sound like they fit with where you are now? And, remember: although you may feel powerless right now, you aren't. You have the power to make choices about how you are going to think and how you are going to let this change you, which of course it has and will continue to do.

 

Keep working hard.... and let me know what these words make you think... :-)

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The questions I have need answers - The options are natural for me and yes I have of course processed those choices and probably would take part of all of them but to reach out and ask them 'why they did the things they did and only listen outside of myself'..I don't believe I would be able to myself in that situation..There is absolutely no justification from 9 siblings all living there as to why they did not take her to the doctor for post op when her condition was so critical,there is absolutely no justification as to why my sister in Florida witnessed my frail mother locked in her room all day and not insist nor demand the doctor visit after the operation but instead to go to the casino with her husband day in and day out until my mother begged me to please buy her a plane ticket to fly her home, and to which I answered only if the doctor clears you for travel and you promise you are going to the post op of which she insisted my sister was scheduling her... and to just listen to them without my feelings as they try and explain to me why they acted like animals in Toronto, when two of my brothers (by the way both of whom had insestuous relations with me when I was very young), they physically lifted me up and carried me out up from the shiva seat when all I wanted to do was mourn and grieve and kept to myself from the get go, and to further cause me embarrassment infront of visitors and people who I had high regard for, friends who I hadn't seen in years, to be in this spectacle in the pressence of my innocent 14 year old who looked on in horror and disbelief that these were 'her family' accosting her mother, all becasue I got up telling my nephew when he told one of my sisters to 'call the landlord so he can put a lock on my mothers door of her bedroom to stop folks from coming in and out'..that 'NO lock would be put on my mothers room'...and that my other sister who the day before two hours after we barried my mother said to me 'if you think you are getting away with 'stealing mommies jewlery you have another thing coming'...because in the hospital when my mother passed away I asked the nurse checking with my one brother who stood by to let me take 'mommies jewlery she has on for safekeeping until later because my older sister Marcelle was coming down the hall and after she did what she did to my father a two years ago (robbed him of everything), I didn't want her to take my mothers jewlery too (besides it had been promised to me years prior but that was not why I asked to hold it only to keep it from her), all of this TWO hours after we just barried her..that I could ever 'just listen without feeling like I want to strangle them Heidi.. that would never happen..

Make the decision to never talk with them and just go on..yes, that could be the best situation for me and run into them at the yartziet with my 4 body guards so I don't have to confront them nor them me at all, not then, not ever..yes that could be best..and how do you explain that I am sitting here printing legal forms to be my mothers appointed trustee so the courts can issue a stop order on my own siblings because they have taken it upon themselves to liquidate my mothers belongings and disseminate it as they deem appropriate which not only is illigal but unfair and arrogant, self indulgent, selfish etc..and then ask them 'why'..I don't think so, there could be no answer they offer which would satisfy me..this doesn't come from feelings this comes from being rightious on my mothers behalf..she has no voice right now and they are assuming life goes on as they see fit and I am the one left to hold this and try and be logical about it while they talk amongst themselves that 'I am 'sick or screwed up'..because I am the only one who knows the truth?

No. There is nothing 'sensible or logical about this'..feelings..yes, but a process which I take upon myself not from anger but from needing to do what's right for my mother. I too am her child and they act like I have no say..So it's my position to remind them what my mother never would have wanted and send in the legal forms so I can hopefully have my day in court to tell the judge that she would have wanted everything sold and proceeds be divided equally, or donated to charity if nothing could be resolved rather than to allow my sister, her kids, my drug addict brother, my other brothers who were never there for her anyway to carry on their evil ways and just stand by and be ok about it...Oh yes I'm ok about my 'feelings'..I'm not as angry as my words seem I'm just a very expressive individual who stands strong in the face of adversity..and my siblings need to be taught a lesson that they have to be accountable and that they are not going to get away with the injustice.

If I am approved and granted trustee over her belongings even though I don't want to go down this road, I would at least feel that I spoke up for my mother and defended her integrity as well as gave them a taste of their own medicine and to teach them that their actions are very much accountable..I am not going to take any of the blame they are trying to project at me, that because I passed on the name of the doctor that that is why she is gone, they are shifting the blame and I'm going to give it right back to them..so that one day maybe they'll write me a nice appology of which I won't accept because I've moved passed them..I don't know..I am not heartless and am sad at the death of all of these connected people in my life, but I've always been the odd person out anyway so now is no different..I've become accostomed to my place in this very difunctional family and here is where I shall remain..I just wish my children didn't have to be here in this place with me but the fact is they were all lousy aunts and uncles anyway so it's all just as well...
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
Excellent answer!!! You are using all the conflicted feelings toward action, and seem resigned to the idea of following through on making yourself heard!! This is taking back your power--- using your anguish toward action, as opposed to just helplessly sitting in the middle of it and not knowing which way to go. You are also taking a tiny peek at what may lie ahead... just a peek... which is all you need to give it. Great job!!

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
my children are also grieving and I feel so badly for them and I don't have the answers for them,..how can I help my children understand this? They were not told she was gone until they got to my mothers apartment all the while I knew and worried they were driving a long distance and rather than risk the danger in them knowing while in the car I waited and for that my 14 year old is very angry at me..repeating that my mother was going to teach her to knit and that she didn't have a chance to say goodby, and my 17 year old who is angry becuase weekly I would tell her to call my mother since my mother-in-law who I won't talk to any more, (she never went to see my mother same state), always calls on Sundays and speaks with my daughters and now my 17 year old is guilty that she never listened..so what do I say to help them both with this? My 14 year old who witnessed in horror and disbelief when I was being physically removed from my mothers apartment? How do I help them
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Teens are in the middle of so many personal changes and trying to just make sense of the world, and it is extremely difficult for them to try to comprehend a situation as complicated as this, but not impossible. Your leadership in this is extremely important; they will need strong guidance and modeling of what grief is and how we cope with it. They are watching you closely, so be sure that you are taking good care of yourself and showing them that as sad as it is right now, you will all get through it together. They need to see that other's have experienced losses in life, and that as traumatic and sad as it is and can be, we will continue to experience loss as long as we are alive, and that learning to cope with this experience is something very, very valuable to learn.

 

I am attaching a link with some very good guidance here : http://www.hov.org/pdf/HelpingYourTeenCopeWithGrief.pdf

 

Teach them about the stages of grief; ask them where they think they are right now in the process. Let them know that the way they are feeling is a natural reaction and a process, and as far as any regrets go, all we can do is to look for the lessons they teach us. Holding onto them any further is counter-productive to healing, so feel them, learn from them, and then forgive yourself and move forwards. Remind them that they were loved... and are loved... and that you are there to support them as you establish a new normal.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Heidi, Hello, last week was an especially difficult one for me..one of my siblings who came to my town and stayed with another sibling during the holidays and did not call nor visit sent an email telling me there was outstanding moneys owed for my mothers funeral and that I should 'do the right thing'...when I also find out a few days prior by a brothers girlfriend that my family have planned for the unvieling and to erect a stone at my mothers burial site to which they didn't even announce the plans to me so I could try and make arrangements to be there.....I am beside myself while the knife keeps going deeper..they are beyond cruel and I am sick about it..all week I thought I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown from grief...my children are in and out and the days just are one long one! I light my mothers yartziet candle and can't believe this is my mother -- I am very much still in the throws of the court papers and about to send everything to the appropriate people to hopefully get me 'in' as trustee so I can have the doctor in Florida looked into as well as those in Canada as well as try and settle the matter of my beloved mothers estate.....I am sick with grief and my relationship with my husband is pretty weak these days...I'm just so sad I hope I don't fall into clinical depression..how will I know...?
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi! Well, it has been only a few weeks since the death, really... the physical and emotional symptoms of intense grief over a loss like this should generally begin to lift in six months to a year. But, complicated grief such as what you are experiencing with the family disconnect and topped off with marital instability may be a different story. Have you had a physical in a while? These are the things to consider:

 

Are you eating? Losing or gaining weight? Not sleeping or wanting to just sleep constantly? Experiencing an inability to think clearly or a complete loss of physical energy? Feeling hopeless? Worthless? Extreme guilt? And, is there anything that helps to lift your mood?

 

While we have talked about taking action to regain some power, and thinking about what you can do about a decision to either move forward with at least a member of two of the family or just completely cut ties, you are still dealing with the hurt and anger. It may be helpful at this point to speak with your Dr. about how you are feeling, and if any of the above questions are applicable in terms of your mood, you may want to ask about some temporary antidepressant or anxiety meds... just for the short term until you can regain some feelings of stability.

 

Remember what I keep saying; focus on taking care of yourself, and on what you find nurturing and comforting. Stay in this moment and don't think too far ahead... unless it helps. Accept that there are things you cannot change; but, change the things that you can and want to change. If there is one family member that you can trust, connect with them and let them speak to the others on your behalf so that you are at least represented until the trustee situation is decided. And, if you feel that you cannot cope, make an appointment with a local psychotherapist to get some additional support. You are worth taking care of yourself... so if it is just getting worse and worse, make a call. There is no reason not to. Does that sound like a possibility?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Not sleeping or wanting to just sleep constantly?(YES I was sleeping daily in the afternoon)..

Experiencing an inability to think clearly

(YES) and I usually have to just leave whatever I am doing, which is light anyway since I can't concentrate too much at one time,

or a complete loss of physical energy? (yes, and yes and yes and NO to the extreme guilt -- weird)..Feeling hopeless? Worthless? Extreme guilt?

And, is there anything that helps to lift your mood? SOMETIMES - excercise..although not lifting my mood just distracting me and keeping me away briefly..
HEIDI, How do you regain some feelings of stability if you are on meds? I mean isn't that just a superficial disguise really? .
...want to ask about some temporary antidepressant or anxiety meds... just for the short term..

If there is one family member that you can trust, connect with them and let them speak to the others on your behalf so that you are at least represented until the trustee situation is decided...THERE is NOONE EXCEPT my brothers very young girlfriend who skypes me every few days to 'give me tidbits of news' of which only infuriates me more, but she tells my brother who has betrayed me and who I have abandondoned hope that at least I still had him..and she tells him stuff...to what degree I don't know, she claims she is 'on my side' and feels I am the only one telling the truth or that I have my head on right....imagine...if she only really understood what I am feeling daily.....
IF it keeps getting worse, which it seems to have at least last week than I will try and reach out to someone I know to see but today I woke feeling a little better..it's hard to stay in the moment at times but thank G_D my daughters keep me busy and my demanding work forces me to 'produce'..so while I feel defeated and broken I challenge each day with 'stuff which needs doing'..I am alone most days with my dog and work and I try to go to the gym in the am and occassional long walks, not much lately though. I can not listen to music or tv (one year mourning except for business, (which hasn't been terrific lately), so the books and work are my only salvation it seems..I am looking forward to a few meeting upcoming in the city next week with other like minded woman in media to discuss books, film and 'eat and drink'..should be fun. Something I hope I haven't completely forgotton how to have..seems pretty ailen to me these days..I just can't believe my family, I just can't@! and I wish the decision to keep moving on and be concious that that's a best case scenario for me I am sick about all of this..Years ago I took Zoloft for about a year since I lost a baby I so very much wanted and although it seemed to help it was also packed with downsides and in retrospect I know I could have gotton through my postpardum and grief without the meds and I do know there is a need at times but don't want to venture that road '..yet..' until I let more time pass to see how I feel..as long as I can somehow keep working and being somewhat productive..(pretty passive I know), than I belive my pain and sorrow will dissipate more..what can I do, my mother, is no more..!! (You are worth taking care of yourself.....) I have to keep trying to remind myself of this..AND to live in the moment..and not plan too much ahead..yet I find myself planning my childrens' future with enthusiasm..and then I worry for their safety and get a little wierd about that..like my one daughter wants to go into marine biology for instance and now has an opportunity to voluteer and possibly hang out with a scientist who treats beached wales, dolphins and sea turtles at the Jersey Shore for instance..(I worry about her G_D forbid getting washed away by the waves or being pulled out to sea by a dolphin), AND my 17 year old is interning/volunteering this summer at the Crimminal Courts and I worry about sickos who may have an outburst in court for example and pull out a gun or some other wild notions concerning their safety..like my little one who begins an internship at a farm working with horses..she never has before and fear what is she get's trampled or kicked or I don't know what..I worry.......I'm nuts I know but this is what's happening to me lately.

 

Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

I think that you are right about time helping, but if your body chemistry stays out of whack and it is really concerning to you and making you feel as if you cannot cope or go on, medication can help the chemistry. Serotonin helps to calm; so when you are unable to calm yourself, meds like SSRI's can help. Personally, I am not someone who rushes to use them for any reason, but it never hurts to keep the idea in mind should you feel later on that you have become truly unable to cope.

 

Here is my thought for the night: We can approach life from 2 basic platforms in my opinion: LOVE... or FEAR... I try to trust that no matter how afraid I could get of what could happen, it will not help anyone one iota, and will just make us all miserable in the moment. Fear just incapacitates us. So, I say face your fears, and eliminate/dispute them, one by one. Prove to me with evidence that a marine biologist has more of a chance of being killed than I do trying to drive the expressway at 1am on a Saturday night. Prove to me with evidence that people are killed on a regular basis in court. I choose not to look at life in rigid, fearful and pessimistic ways; it is a choice. When fears become irrational, people get into destructive thought patterns which will affect the entire quality of life for them and those who love them. You have control over how you look at things, and how you see things. You can choose love over fear. Your love for your kids can propel you to want them to take every chance to explore their lives... and you have to just trust that what is meant to be will be.

 

Depression can be managed as you say with exercise and time. You haven't had much time yet. So, the choice is yours on how to deal with it... but at least you know that you have choices. And choices are good!! Keep taking care of YOU!!

Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
Just checkin' in!! I hope this week is going well for you and that you are feeling a bit better!!

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Heidi, Hello, I am stuggling with the loneliness and abandonment, I am stuggling every day when I cry and can't grasp what has happened, I can't expect this will ever go away but I can expect it will be less intense over time, I would not resort to meds and am trusting somehow I will be ok eventually..when I am busy certainly and distracted I'm ok, and when I 'stop' I'm not..that's when I fall apart again..I read my siblings facebook pages and am disgusted at their comments about my mother, how openly they can talk to perfect lookers on about their feelings and my beautiful private mother..How dare they..I want to strangle them and yell how dare you, how can you act like this doesn't matter? How can you think no one is watching/reading? ARGH. I look at my life with my own children and husband and am grateful ...but only sometimes as my grief still very much consumes my day to day emotions..I look at the pictures of my mother, two in particular..one of the last pictures my sibling took in the hospital of her with her eyes closed, and blood stained tape holding her tongue, and relive every second of those last moments with her and my attention goes back and forth from the meters registering her vitals to when they were flatlining and what my thoughts were, I was numb, I was angry at my oldest brother who stood there helpless and remembered when I called the hospital and he answered and I told him to get her the hell out of Canadian Hospitals and how ridiculous a reaction, I look at her other photograph of only a month earlier of her beautiful face sitting there staring at us all as if to say remember me beautiful, I am your mother..today on mothers day is like any other day to me...another day that I would love my mother like each day that I did!! Nothing special today, just another day to love my mother and miss her..so much...I know you too are thinking about your mother Heidi..
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
I am sorry to hear that you are still struggling, and of course, today is going to trigger the more intense longing for things to have been different. Take good care, enjoy your children, and know that you are not alone... and keep taking one day at a time.

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Does my reactions only two months after the fact surprise you?
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.
Not at all. When the pain of the loss starts to just naturally diminish in intensity, you will be ready to release yourself from the emotional and physical grasps of guilt and anger. Keep taking each day as it comes... you will feel lighter with time. Pay attention to relaxing your physical self; start with relaxing your brow and forehead area... then the neck... then the shoulders... and keep taking time for yourself. I am thinking of you!

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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Heidi, I appreciate you following up with me and seeming to really care..I appreciate that in light of the fact that although my husband and children are here I still feel very alone and lost..I have trouble concentrating day to day and find myself not giving a crap about people I once did..I find myself daily crying (once a day I would say)..do you think that's still normal? I am trying very hard to find my place in the grand scheme of things..The unveiling has been changed I believe due to my direct confrontational emails to certain members of the family which I can not believe I am alone without and mourning by myself without their support...Now I have to figure how I go there to the unveiling in August with my two daughters (my husband being a Cohen will not go onto the cemetary grounds), but I can't even face them, I don't want to converse with them, I don't even know how I can go! I'm scared and weak.
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi! Ok.... how long has it been now?? 8 weeks? Six months to a year is generally the period in which survivors grieve most intensely, so we are still within that window of "normal"... ;-) Just keep taking care and take comfort wherever you find it...

 

As for the unveiling, how long until? And, the way you are going to get past this is SELF-TALK. Let me repeat: SELF-TALK.... and let me explain...

 

You choose what you say to yourself in your head, all day long. Right now, you are choosing to focus on your pain and your weakness. What we need to do now is to begin to work towards your strengths and your resilience.

 

You said, " I still feel very alone and lost..I have trouble concentrating day to day and find myself not giving a crap about people I once did..I find myself daily crying (once a day I would say)..do you think that's still normal? I am trying very hard to find my place in the grand scheme of things..The unveiling has been changed I believe due to my direct confrontational emails to certain members of the family which I can not believe I am alone without and mourning by myself without their support...Now I have to figure how I go there to the unveiling in August with my two daughters (my husband being a Cohen will not go onto the cemetary grounds), but I can't even face them, I don't want to converse with them, I don't even know how I can go! I'm scared and weak." So, this is what you are telling yourself, over and over... all the negatives in your mind are circling around, over and over.

 

How could you restate these thoughts in a positive light? "I have every right to be sad and angry, and what doesn't kill me is making me stronger. I am strong, I am intelligent, I am loved, I am resilient. I will not let others define me, and I chose to take the position I am in with the family." What are you the most afraid of in seeing them? What is the worse thing that they could do or say? You have already survived the exclusion, but you chose the exclusion--- you chose to remove yourself from the family. So, focus on this as your own choice and you will regain your power when you walk in there... fully knowing that you are there to continue to working on getting some closure on her death... and to honor her life.

 

How do these words affect you?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The words are comforting and you are right again Heidi, and I do have a choice but whenever I see my mother's beautiful face, I die myself inside..I fall apart and can not believe it..it's too surreal and I keep saying 'the family had 30 days to get her to the doctor'..and they didn't, that's what's killing me and then I fight myself and blame myself because if I hadn't pressured my sister to take my mother to this bastard that killed her, she would still be here..and then I try and reason by 'but I never knew she was going to have angioplasty, I never told my sister to pressure my mother, than I get angry at my sister again and yet I think 'why get angry at her'..I too could have gotton on a plane and flown myself up there and escorted her personally if it meant so much to me, than I say 'but it did mean so much becuase I called everyday and told her it was imperative she get to her doctor post op, and she kept telling me 'your sister is taking care' and I trusted her! and I get angry all over again, and yes I chose to exclude them from my life for the way they treated me, my husband and children, I chose to exclude myself for all the wrong concerning her few personal belongings and have taken it upon myself to further burden myself with the court back and forth stuff, and I wanted them to hurt and think about their actions to see if they had any accountability and so far I know nothing and even if they did would I forget and forgive?? I don't think so...anyway my thoughts take me away and I get stuck, I am reading a book for the last several months, I am in talks about certain tv project I spent 6 years on developing and that gives me something to look forward to, I see my children a little lighter these days and that lifts my spirits a little and my husband sits and let's me cry and holds me but usually has nothing to say and I hate him for that, for being a lousy communicator but I have to take what I can get because being held is all I want when I am like that.......I am trying one minute at a time but it's not easy and I feel like I am burdeniing him, that he says to himself, oh gosh, 'when will this stop'...and I remember I was there for his sister when she passed away of cancer and how unresolved he still is about that yet he always has been terrible at communicating his emotions, so I try and remember from time to time when I get weepy on his shoulder.....and I am very much alone though..and I have choices if I could print the above and hang it around my neck when I get a flood of emotions I would refer to it and 'try'..but I really doubt anything could stop my thoughts and emotions when I get like that..so I will go one day at a time..thanks again Heidi, you are a very wise woman.
Expert:  Heidi LPC replied 2 years ago.

You are alone. Yes. We all are. And it will be up to you to face this, accept it, and embrace it. You are the captain of your own ship and no one else will feel things as you do, see things exactly as you... and this is ok. If you like who you are and accept yourself as the imperfect human being you are, you will find that it is nice to be alone, and then it is nice to invite others into your world when you see fit. We are all imperfect... your siblings are imperfect... your husband... me.... we are capable of many errors in judgment and thought and action. Forgiving yourself for the errors you feel that you may have made, and most of all, someday forgiving the errors of all involved will be necessary for complete 100% healing and recovery. I will now say this with 100% conviction to once again nudge you forwards... you CAN choose to stop your thoughts when you "get like that"... and you may feel now that you will never forgive, but I know from all of my education and experience that you will have to make some peace with it to get past it. I know you resist that idea with every ounce of your being, but I am now here to wholeheartedly disagree and challenge your thinking. Self-talk that is catastrophic in nature, and pessimistic, angry, blaming and self-defeating is going to create a future filled with pessimism, depression, hatred and self-defeat. Start paying attention to all the "can't, won't, didn't, will never, don't" type language you are using; just read your last reply and count them. This is ALL self-talk... this is what will very soon... as soon as you are ready... need to be reframed into "can, will, did" and "AM", and you ARE strong, resilient, capable, intelligent, imperfect, brave.... AND warm, loving, caring, accepting, and WILL continue to make it through this journey... one day at a time.

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