Hi there.... I am so so very sorry for your loss... I want to be able to help you in some way, but I am wondering if you are more looking for a medical opinion as opposed to something in relation to mental health... is that more of what you are looking for? I was going to suggest that we get your question re-listed into a different category if that is more applicable...
You have obviously been through a great deal and may be looking for some emotional support, as well, and I just wanted to be sure that you get what it is that you are looking for here on the site. Please let me know how best we can be of some service?
well on one level I do agree with you but my mental health is of concern while the other parts of the question certainly should be handeld by a different category if you think..I can not accept the negligence of my siblings who allowed her to travel, who also had an entire month to get her to follow up post op and who have completely become like a lynch mob to me, and my husband, and now not only have I lost all hope of ever reuniting with them becuase I feel they were partiailly repsonsible but for the way they are handling this and I'm alone so much with a gut full and I can't get over this..
You feel like you were completely helpless to help her... and that things were done outside of your control... and done wrongfully... this is a very painful position to be in, and I am sorry that you have to try to manage such a painful situation...
Do I just move on with my life, remember my beautiful mother and know that my family helped to kill her, and this doctor who had absoultely no right, walks around as a self proclaimed 'spiritual healer' and has no accontability becuase in the state of Fl. no one will take this claim on as a wrongful death..so I'm alone dealing with this and feel sick..how can I just go on and be 'normal"
Heidi, please tell me you are not a social worker but in fact a licensed psychotherapist? or psychiatrist?
You have a right to feel angry... and vulnerable... and all that goes along with that. You have every right to ask questions and want answers...
I am a licensed psychotherapist...
but no one is responding so what do I do with all this PAIN
I, too, lost my mother to a drug that was administered to her wrongly. I know somewhat of how you are feeling.
I didn't have any family to blame for making irresponsible decisions, though... just doctors...
So, I can relate somewhat to the pain you are feeling, and the loss, and the anger...
I feel so empty, like my mother didn't ask for this, she and I were talking about passover dinner which I was to travel to Toronto with my children, husband and self this week and now my sister, my other 8 siblings are like vultures emping the contents of her apartment in Toronto with no accountability, I called a family estate attorney and to freeze the assets would not be an option since the value is not worth it but my siblings won't take any accountability and I'm SICK
What I do know is that, sadly, all the anger in the world cannot bring her back... and that each member of your family is going to have a different reaction and response to this.
the loss, the anger, it should not have happened! The injustice, the law which will not allow because my beautiful mother was 76 for a malpractice claim to be justified since the supreme court put a cap on how much one can sue for - it's all not only fair, it's criminal and I have to just sit here and lick my wounds like an ally cat who has been attacked and hope the wounds don't fester infection and kill me too?
You want accountability... you feel something could have and should have been done, and you want some justice for her life...
I know that she will not come back but why is her death in vain? How can they be so smug and distant
... all of this is completely understandable... and they obviously have a different view of what happened... can this be possible?
Were they as close to your mother as you were?
I don't know what I want, I want the empty hole in my gut to stop feeling so empty..I'm sick with emotion and I'm observing the 30 days Shloshim (Jewish), mourning as well will have to continue for a year of refraining from music, tv etc..(I'm IN TV and MUSIC), for a living and although I can for 'work when it relates to work watch, or listen), it's a reminder of what my siblings and that creep did to her and I AM helpless and don't know how to ever interract with them
A different view, sure, they know what they did and all my emails to them were in vain, they say 'she's just 'crazy'..don't listen to her...when my mother was passing away at the crappy Canaidian hospital (no intervention), as soon as I walked in the room and spoke with my mother was when her meters started going crazy, and I told her I was there and she didn't have to worry any more, I recited the s'hma (big important Jewish prayer), in her ear and soon after she flatlined!! My siblings say it's because of me she flatlined!!!!!!!!!!!
Please... whatever you do, don't EVER accept blame for this. It is a horrible sad situation... and your life will never be the same after. Once you express all this anger, over and over, for as long as you need to, you will eventually move past it. But, it has to all be let out... for as long as you need to... until you exhaust it....
They say people let go when they feel safe... she felt safe when you got there.
I'm sick, I can never move past this, I've lost my mother and my 9 siblings who were crappy anyway but for the sake of my poor children who are left now with no aunts or uncles..I can never look any of them in the face and know what 'they did' was right
You have so much to sort out... and it is so very raw right now... your pain is palpable...
Right now, I want you to think about what you have control over, not what you don't. You have the ability to control your own decision-making, and you have your husband and children for support.
My mothers yartziet candle is lit 24/7 and I can't look at it, I vasiilate between anger at my children/husband to complete silence, to disguest and wanting to strangle my siblings and they just sit silent, it makes me sick
You must have some time to grieve and to let this all out... it is ok to let it all out...
You just want your mother back...
My husband is there for me but not really there if you know what I mean, my children are also grieving and I feel so badly for them and I don't have the answers for them, I'm weak and when they need me I am angry
It isn't supposed to be easy or organized... it just is what it is. Your family loves you, but they didn't have the same relationship with your mother as you did...
I know you are angry... and I can see why... you just have to decide how this energy can be utilized best right now. How can you get to a place of acceptance of her death, while making sure that her life wasn't lived in vain? How would she want you to be handling this situation?
No they did not at all but I never wanted to say I was her favorite because they all said that, although I know she loved me so much because she spoke with me right after the first couple of hours in the emergency..I'm very serious and not joking or delusional..in Jewish faith sometime people who are presumed closer to the deceased do have contact..it seems..it's not the first time this has happened..but when she came into my bedroom where I layed half asleep after hearing the news she said, in French she couldn't get out, and asked me for help..I mean this very seriously, again not the first time in my life this has happened, and I don't go around telling anyone I'm special, clarvoiant or anything like that...my grandmother did this to me as well..Yes my mother and I had a very very special bond like no one else and for this they all hated me
I am from a half-Jewish family... I get it...
place of acceptance of her death,? I don't know how to do this? I don't know how she would want me to handle this -- probably by 'SHALOM' peace which I can not find in my heart, I hate them, I hate that doctor, if you saw his links you would now what a charlaton he is, resurrecting people from the dead!! but she was Jewish so when I called him when she had the stroke he wouldn't even call me back
You have every right to your anger... and no one can take that right away...
Yet, we have to figure out how to channel it.
You are still in such shock and pain... it seems that all that can help now is to talk about it, over and over, and write, and cry, and scream and shout if you have to...
Do you still feel her with you?
I try to work and get some things done, but I vascilate and am so unsteady, I go for walks with the dog, I tell my daughters I love them and the next day I yell at them, the 6th is the second seder and the end of my shloshim, 30 days, and I can never be normal. .I do cry, I do write, I do scream, I'm sick but I'm so alone without the support of the family who I hate and when I need them the most they arn't there..they all have each other and I'm alone and I'm sick because I want to scream at them and look at their expressions and tell them that they did this to my mother, if only they had taken care of her durig that very fragile time, if only my sister did NOT give consent, my poor mother called me up cursing my sister out for 'pushing' her to have the surgery against my beautiful mothers will, she said over and over and over, she pushed me, she pushed me, she pushed me..how can I live with this?
I called my mother every day and begged her to go to post op and she kept saying in french ok my daughter, your sister will make the arrangements, she is, but also telling me she had pain and didn't feel well and I felt sick and helpless that they were looking after her and she didn't want to worry me..but now it's too late
what would you do
What are your choices now, at this point? You can't go back... if you could have saved her, you would have... you had to trust your siblings to help, and you were helpless to control what happened... but, honestly, do you really think they wanted her to die?
my older sister YES! Because she was her main care giver in Florida, along with my meth addict brother in Toronto Canada and my sister put herself in the hospital WHEN my poor mother was locked up in her small room at my sisters house in FL. because she was presumably having 'chest pains'..convienient and my poor mother called me crying from her cell saying she was worried about her....yet the doctor cleared her for travel becuase my sister and her selfish husband needed a break..Imagine. I know she couldn't take my poor mother being around any more and secretly hoped for the worst..I believe that..why would she act so quickly to try and obtain her jewlery and belongings at my moms apartment in Toronto - she and her husband began gamling a few years ago and continued which became a problem and my mother always said so..anyway, maybe not really, but maybe wished it at that time, and got her wish!
in any event I don't know what I'm going to do with all this junk..how long it's going to take to 'get past' whatever THIS is whether I'll ever be able to communicate with my siblings ever again I'm not in a hurry to find out, they lost a great sister and I will surrvive - I always have since I've been on my own more or less since I was 14 years old, with very very very little from any of that toxic army and this is more of the same of their crap and I hate them for this and I only hope my hate softens to 'nothinginess' for them for that'll be all I can muster for them. As for my beautiful mother may she rest in eternal peace for she is better off with G_D than in the hell hole she called family.
With that said, you have every right to be angry... and that this isn't just a loss of your mother, but your family... there will not be any easy or quick remedy to this. This will be a process, and if you can possibly just trust this journey, there will be resolution in time. For right now, all I can say to your question of "what would you do?" is to take it 5 minutes at a time. I would allow myself to grieve and to speak to her, and apologize for her pain, and to try to see that if you have a religious faith, that she is ok... and that there is a lesson in this somewhere, but it won't become clear until later. I would keep telling myself that I know she loved me, and that as much as hindsight is 20/20, there will be justice in the end.
There will be. Trust that.
It is true that we are all just biological creatures with very short times on earth... and we must look for the lessons in this.
I guess so, lessons I don't want, short time on earth I know, justice in the end, absolutely, and I am trying to get on I am I am just so sick that the vultures keep pecking at her few belongings and they can be so heartless and yes once again I know they think ill of me but not out of anger but jelousy for the love and bond my beloved mom and I had, and for that I can do nothing so their hate will forever be and I will forever be alone -
and how does this doctor get away with this? and no accountability..I'm going to produce a film about this, and hope through that I will get my mothers blessings..because she always wanted justice.
It is just stuff... and you had so much more than that with her... and that was what really mattered. Just go ahead and keep your distance as long as you need to... and I can say that although my mother and I were inseparable in life, we are even closer in her death. You WILL use this for some good; and Dr's, well, they are absolutely imperfect. I am convinced of this. And, they are nothing but humans.
but this guy keeps practicing..look him up sometime soon, you'll see what I mean, Dr. Chauncy Crandall in Jupitar, Florida..look him up and see his claims when the 'good lord' told him to go back into the room of a paitent and 'pray for him'..and with that called in the nurses with their padles 45 minutes after the paitient flatlined and resurrected him.....argh
I have no doubt that what you say is true! No doubt. And, the only thing you could do to him is get his money... and even that will not bring your mother back. That money wouldn't feel worth her life.
One of the hardest things in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which bridge to burn.~Anais Nin
I completely know this!! But I want his LICENSE! I don't care about his stupid money although that could help some of the family wounds with their funeral bills etc..but that's def. NOT what I want, I want this man to stop practicing! and I won't stop until a full investigation is launched and even that won't be enough, I will make a film about him and change names but def. point out this kind of story.
Do it! Use this for good!
I have to but I lost my light, my beloved mother who would still be here if it wern't for the carlessness..anyway Heidi, I don't want to go in circles.
I know... I really do know... just take your time... this is a horrible, horrible loss, and it will not go away for a long, long time... I just wish that in time, you will be able to find the peace you are needing so badly. I know that there is nothing anyone can say that will ease this pain, other than to have faith that there will be an answer someday... and that you will have her with you everyday from now on, and that karma carries a heavy price...
Be gentle with yourself... look deep inside and know that the answers will come. Take care of yourself and of those you love... and pray if this helps you to connect with forces beyond yourself.
I completely know this to be true, and have a sense of loss knowing this becuase if it wern't true I would still have the hope of a family to look forward to for holidays etc..
Don't plan ahead for what you expect will happen later. Be here now... life works in mysterious ways...you know this. Stay in this moment, and focus your attention on what you CAN do, and distract yourself with one thing you find comforting... just one thing a day, if you can.
Heidi, these words are 'blurry' to me in the course of my day to day and although what you say is wise and very clear and true, I can only apply it when I can 'see'..right now I see nothing but tsunami of emotions..but I will try...
Survivor's guilt, anger,blame and all the rest of the emotions you are feeling are all very very natural. Accept that, and feel it fully... and know that all you can do is to experience this pain now. Care for yourself very gently. This anger will find the proper outlet, and it will lessen each day... and then you will make decisions more clearly as time passes...
You have given me some consolation and for that I apprciate
I truly wish you peace and light and comfort and eventually, joy... shalom, my friend... and hang in there. She will always be with you.
I hope you are right Heidi. Thank you for everything..
Let me know how things work out... I will be thinking of you... :-)
thank you but to let you know means to 'reaccept' additional fees ?
Sorry, I can find that out myself..I'm accepting your time spent here Heidi. Again I thank you
I thank you for using the site... and I send you all my energy and thoughts! Take good care!! :-)
Oh no.... I wasn't writing you with the intention of any payment at all... it was just a follow-up thought, and I am sorry if the intent to help was taken in the wrong fashion. I will no longer follow-up with you, and I truly wish you all the best in your future.
I completely understand; I just don't want to make things worse for you. Your pain is so deep, your anger is so strong, and your rage will continue for a bit yet... I know that you need to keep finding ways to vent it and to work through it.. .
I am sure that you have heard of the stages of grief, and you already know that you are in the anger stage; You just have to keep venting to get it all out and eventually this storm will blow itself out. I promise. Get as much exercise as you can to alleviate the build-up of stress chemicals in your body... and keep working towards channeling it into problem-solving so that this never again happens to someone you love. If the mood strikes, keep talking about how you feel to me, I am happy to reply with no intent to be paid!! I mean that--- i identify with what you are experiencing and am happy to be of any support that I can be... keep taking good care!
Wow!! What a great dream!! I have always thought that dreams are a reflection of our feelings and current situations put into pictures, as well as sometimes a way for us to communicate through the levels of being and consciousness. If we put you into this dream equation, your own personal pain and discomfort, and your attempts to try to work it through to get more comfortable & to help yourself acclimate to this new, imposed, uncomfortable reality are slowly being achieved. You are trying everything you know to gain understanding & peace, and you are slowly succeeding!!! Keep up this hard, hard work!! :-)
And, the earlier post about the kids; I am so glad to hear that they are slowly moving through the stages of grief in an honest and straightforward fashion. Kids really are such great teachers in so many ways! I am glad to hear that you tried to get out and fill some time with some distraction. It will feel unnatural, but force yourself to keep doing this. And, as far as your marital relationship goes, you will once again feel like expressing your love in a sexual way... it just takes time and there is no reason to rush it until it feels like something you are ready for. Thanks for keeping me posted; you are in my thoughts!! You are a strong, strong woman!! :-)
Here is a big (((((( HUG )))))) ... you have now officially survived the first holiday after your mother's death, and it was beyond tough. Holidays are going to be the worst... and with all the unresolved business yet lingering within the family, they will continue to be complicated until you get some resolution. Your anger is probably still eating you up mentally, emotionally and physically.... be sure that you are releasing all these chemicals through taking walks and doing some physical activity. This is a process; and know that you are doing a very helpful thing for yourself by writing when you feel overwhelmed by it. Soon, you will start to decide how best to channel it... and when you begin to use this energy towards action, it will dissipate into a much easier level to manage. Let me ask you this: what would be a description of the way things will be when you get resolution? How will resolution look and feel?
Take good care today.... I am thinking of you! :-)
Happy for your daughter!! Glad you are climbing mountains!! These stress chemicals are amazing in their strength and ability to give energy... but of course, they are just a pain to have to cope with! ;-)
Life as you knew it--- now it is just in complete limbo, and that alone is unsettling; add to it all this emotion, and it is admirable that you are still standing--- you have the power within to change whatever you don't like about your life in time. Right now, you just need to try to get comfort from wherever you can find it, and laughter will be right around the corner again soon :-)
As a therapist, I am here to validate the feelings and thoughts of those I am fortunate to try to assist, but I also very gently nudge them towards what may be the next step... even if they can't see that there might be one... because if you can see it, you will achieve it. So, my question about resolution doesn't need an answer today or tomorrow or next week/month/year... when it feels natural, you will start to envision it, and eventually get to wherever that is. I just planted the seed :-)
Triple A personality?? Wow!! Intense!! ;-) Keep taking time for yourself this week--- and keep trusting the journey!! Keep expressing yourself--- and keep re-reading your writing; there may be some reflection in there that may help you to begin to make some sense out of this whole experience... and then again, maybe not! ;-) But, it is worth a shot!
What comes to my mind when I read your thoughts is that you feel that you may be able to... someday... forgive yourself for not stepping in, but that you're not so sure about forgiving your siblings. And, you aren't sure how or if you will ever be able to relate to them again. My question is basically: do you think you will eventually want to, someday far far down the road? Or do you not know yet? Do you imagine that you will want your kids to have relationships with the family? If so, then the goal will someday be to work these feelings out and accept the fact that they didn't know what the right thing was to do, didn't do what you wish they would have, you weren't able to step in, and the result was this horrific loss. Eventually, being able to delineate your feelings from your thoughts, and compare them your eventual plan for resolution, will be an important approach. Let me explain:
Some folks navigate through life by feelings, allowing their emotions and gut level reactions to determine their course, and to determine how they will behave. Some folks are able to observe their emotions rise and fall, respect them, and then choose whether or not expressing the emotion and acting on it is the best course. Some folks are primarily thinkers, and they use reason and rational thought in navigating through life. From our brief relationship, it sounds as if you are the "feeling" type, and so you are used to navigating based on how you feel, and acutely aware of how others make you feel, and sometimes, yes... this type of reaction to the world is a little more self-focused, as you mentioned. Right now you seem to feel "orphaned" and angry and sad, and it sounds like you think there must be some consequences suffered by those responsible for her death and your grief. Feelings are fluid, and thoughts only exist as we create them. They can be changed. You can toss around the idea that nothing is permanent; you may feel and think completely differently 12 months from now. Becoming aware of your own self-talk, what you are telling yourself all day long, the meaning you give to situations, the choices you make in how you choose to define and to look at things... this awareness is extremely valuable in gaining some power over the feelings and thoughts that feel right now as if they have ALL the power over you at this moment. It may come easy to change your thinking or it may be a struggle. You may be afraid that if you let go of this anger, you will be powerless and a victim of circumstance, and you aren't interested in that option. But, I will continue to challenge you to LATER, when you are ready, to decide whether your thoughts are in line with your eventual desired outcome.... and if not, to work on beginning to change them.
In regards to the family, I see 3 choices:
1. To refuse to ever have any relationship with them again. This choice will protect you from facing them and re-opening your wounds in the unresolved situation. You would be making a conscious choice to abandon the relationships permanently, and if you can eventually make peace with yourself and get to acceptance of the situation as it is, in your own mind, you won't be hurting yourself. However, If you can't eventually find some peace and acceptance, this choice will damage you personally for your entire life because holding onto resentment and anger will cause you emotional & physical harm in many ways. However, it is a choice, and many people make this one and find ways to adjust.
2. After some time has passed, make contact again, not to discuss the situation deeply, but just to see one another at weddings or funerals and fake it... either still holding on to the anger, pain & resentment personally, or being able to move through to acceptance that you will never trust them again, but refusing to let them take up any space in your consciousness. A "break-up" with limited social contact.
3. Reach out, past yourself, and try to begin the process of understanding why they did things as they did. Listen without judgment (which may be possible much later... not yet). Take your feelings out of the equation and just hear them, hear their regrets and the view from their vantage point... and try to understand one another, accept that none of you can go back and change it, but that you can choose to try to move forward together.
Do any of these choices sound like they fit with where you are now? And, remember: although you may feel powerless right now, you aren't. You have the power to make choices about how you are going to think and how you are going to let this change you, which of course it has and will continue to do.
Keep working hard.... and let me know what these words make you think... :-)
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Teens are in the middle of so many personal changes and trying to just make sense of the world, and it is extremely difficult for them to try to comprehend a situation as complicated as this, but not impossible. Your leadership in this is extremely important; they will need strong guidance and modeling of what grief is and how we cope with it. They are watching you closely, so be sure that you are taking good care of yourself and showing them that as sad as it is right now, you will all get through it together. They need to see that other's have experienced losses in life, and that as traumatic and sad as it is and can be, we will continue to experience loss as long as we are alive, and that learning to cope with this experience is something very, very valuable to learn.
I am attaching a link with some very good guidance here : http://www.hov.org/pdf/HelpingYourTeenCopeWithGrief.pdf
Teach them about the stages of grief; ask them where they think they are right now in the process. Let them know that the way they are feeling is a natural reaction and a process, and as far as any regrets go, all we can do is to look for the lessons they teach us. Holding onto them any further is counter-productive to healing, so feel them, learn from them, and then forgive yourself and move forwards. Remind them that they were loved... and are loved... and that you are there to support them as you establish a new normal.
Hi! Well, it has been only a few weeks since the death, really... the physical and emotional symptoms of intense grief over a loss like this should generally begin to lift in six months to a year. But, complicated grief such as what you are experiencing with the family disconnect and topped off with marital instability may be a different story. Have you had a physical in a while? These are the things to consider:
Are you eating? Losing or gaining weight? Not sleeping or wanting to just sleep constantly? Experiencing an inability to think clearly or a complete loss of physical energy? Feeling hopeless? Worthless? Extreme guilt? And, is there anything that helps to lift your mood?
While we have talked about taking action to regain some power, and thinking about what you can do about a decision to either move forward with at least a member of two of the family or just completely cut ties, you are still dealing with the hurt and anger. It may be helpful at this point to speak with your Dr. about how you are feeling, and if any of the above questions are applicable in terms of your mood, you may want to ask about some temporary antidepressant or anxiety meds... just for the short term until you can regain some feelings of stability.
Remember what I keep saying; focus on taking care of yourself, and on what you find nurturing and comforting. Stay in this moment and don't think too far ahead... unless it helps. Accept that there are things you cannot change; but, change the things that you can and want to change. If there is one family member that you can trust, connect with them and let them speak to the others on your behalf so that you are at least represented until the trustee situation is decided. And, if you feel that you cannot cope, make an appointment with a local psychotherapist to get some additional support. You are worth taking care of yourself... so if it is just getting worse and worse, make a call. There is no reason not to. Does that sound like a possibility?
I think that you are right about time helping, but if your body chemistry stays out of whack and it is really concerning to you and making you feel as if you cannot cope or go on, medication can help the chemistry. Serotonin helps to calm; so when you are unable to calm yourself, meds like SSRI's can help. Personally, I am not someone who rushes to use them for any reason, but it never hurts to keep the idea in mind should you feel later on that you have become truly unable to cope.
Here is my thought for the night: We can approach life from 2 basic platforms in my opinion: LOVE... or FEAR... I try to trust that no matter how afraid I could get of what could happen, it will not help anyone one iota, and will just make us all miserable in the moment. Fear just incapacitates us. So, I say face your fears, and eliminate/dispute them, one by one. Prove to me with evidence that a marine biologist has more of a chance of being killed than I do trying to drive the expressway at 1am on a Saturday night. Prove to me with evidence that people are killed on a regular basis in court. I choose not to look at life in rigid, fearful and pessimistic ways; it is a choice. When fears become irrational, people get into destructive thought patterns which will affect the entire quality of life for them and those who love them. You have control over how you look at things, and how you see things. You can choose love over fear. Your love for your kids can propel you to want them to take every chance to explore their lives... and you have to just trust that what is meant to be will be.
Depression can be managed as you say with exercise and time. You haven't had much time yet. So, the choice is yours on how to deal with it... but at least you know that you have choices. And choices are good!! Keep taking care of YOU!!
Hi! Ok.... how long has it been now?? 8 weeks? Six months to a year is generally the period in which survivors grieve most intensely, so we are still within that window of "normal"... ;-) Just keep taking care and take comfort wherever you find it...
As for the unveiling, how long until? And, the way you are going to get past this is SELF-TALK. Let me repeat: SELF-TALK.... and let me explain...
You choose what you say to yourself in your head, all day long. Right now, you are choosing to focus on your pain and your weakness. What we need to do now is to begin to work towards your strengths and your resilience.
You said, " I still feel very alone and lost..I have trouble concentrating day to day and find myself not giving a crap about people I once did..I find myself daily crying (once a day I would say)..do you think that's still normal? I am trying very hard to find my place in the grand scheme of things..The unveiling has been changed I believe due to my direct confrontational emails to certain members of the family which I can not believe I am alone without and mourning by myself without their support...Now I have to figure how I go there to the unveiling in August with my two daughters (my husband being a Cohen will not go onto the cemetary grounds), but I can't even face them, I don't want to converse with them, I don't even know how I can go! I'm scared and weak." So, this is what you are telling yourself, over and over... all the negatives in your mind are circling around, over and over.
How could you restate these thoughts in a positive light? "I have every right to be sad and angry, and what doesn't kill me is making me stronger. I am strong, I am intelligent, I am loved, I am resilient. I will not let others define me, and I chose to take the position I am in with the family." What are you the most afraid of in seeing them? What is the worse thing that they could do or say? You have already survived the exclusion, but you chose the exclusion--- you chose to remove yourself from the family. So, focus on this as your own choice and you will regain your power when you walk in there... fully knowing that you are there to continue to working on getting some closure on her death... and to honor her life.
How do these words affect you?
You are alone. Yes. We all are. And it will be up to you to face this, accept it, and embrace it. You are the captain of your own ship and no one else will feel things as you do, see things exactly as you... and this is ok. If you like who you are and accept yourself as the imperfect human being you are, you will find that it is nice to be alone, and then it is nice to invite others into your world when you see fit. We are all imperfect... your siblings are imperfect... your husband... me.... we are capable of many errors in judgment and thought and action. Forgiving yourself for the errors you feel that you may have made, and most of all, someday forgiving the errors of all involved will be necessary for complete 100% healing and recovery. I will now say this with 100% conviction to once again nudge you forwards... you CAN choose to stop your thoughts when you "get like that"... and you may feel now that you will never forgive, but I know from all of my education and experience that you will have to make some peace with it to get past it. I know you resist that idea with every ounce of your being, but I am now here to wholeheartedly disagree and challenge your thinking. Self-talk that is catastrophic in nature, and pessimistic, angry, blaming and self-defeating is going to create a future filled with pessimism, depression, hatred and self-defeat. Start paying attention to all the "can't, won't, didn't, will never, don't" type language you are using; just read your last reply and count them. This is ALL self-talk... this is what will very soon... as soon as you are ready... need to be reframed into "can, will, did" and "AM", and you ARE strong, resilient, capable, intelligent, imperfect, brave.... AND warm, loving, caring, accepting, and WILL continue to make it through this journey... one day at a time.