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MARoss-LCSW
MARoss-LCSW, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 15
Experience:  18 years experience as a therapist/counselor.
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My husbands son (25) has been living with us for the last 8

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My husbands son (25) has been living with us for the last 8 months. He first lived with us when we met in 2004, he was 17. We've had problems twice before with him being lazy/irresponsible/arrogant attitude, and living with us. I didn't want him to come here. But he had nowhere else to go and had supposedly hit bottom and was humble now (according to my husband). My husband and him left for a trip for a few days shortly after he came. (I was supposed to go with my husband, but he ended taking him instead because he couldn't be trusted to take care of the animals or house. I checked his room. He had gone thru everything in our RV, while we were gone at somepoint, including my underwear drawer, took some cds and I found them in his room in our house(along with some lotion I had in my underwear drawer). His dad chewed him out about it, he cries. Husband made him say he was sorry. I found porno in his room (home made kind/video). After that I told him that I was going to check his room anytime I wanted. (Told my husband he should, but doesn't) And I put a lock on our bedroom door. A week or so later, I found more porno (after it was all supposed to be gone). His dad made him throw it away. Found porno on disks again later. Found stuff that was stored in the shop in his room (someone elses stuff again). This has happened at other relatives and they don't want him to come back. Scaring relatives kids with knife(dressed in black closes) and going thru families homes. He is obsessed with firecrackers (started fires as a child/diagnosed as ADHD- I recently found out) He is obsessed with drawing strange creature warrior characters- writing a book, he says. Obsessed with weapons/knives/masks/makes fake wounds on his skin, had been cutting himself as a child. Nothing is ever his fault. Or he just denies it. His dad knows he lies. Plays games on phone all the time or is texting. All the time, while watching TV with us,like we are not their or in the car. No interaction. He is smart. We live out and he wants to stay here, forever. Has no friends but whoever he talks too on the phone, I think mainly girls he has known or used. Acts like he has the mind of a 12 year old. Only does half of something or not at all. He and I do no like each other and very rarely speak. I think he is trying to cause trouble between me and my husband, and it is working. He plays sympathy with him and I guess I am the bad guy. He put a lock on his bedroom (because I put one on mine), I took it off. Not a word was said, he is playing with me and I do not trust him. At all. On occasion he cooks - I don't eat it. He is scary to me the way he acts like everything is fine like he has control over me. Like he is on top of the world and makes it a point for my husband to see he is avoiding me. He has lost his DR lic, has fines he is not worried about paying, has shoplifted twice, has tried to video tape his sister and niece in the bathroom. They caught him and made him leave. My husband acts like his son and I are two kids bickering, then we get mad at each other. He is disrespectful and devious but not obvious to my husband. My husband doesn't see it I guess or think it is that bad. I think my husband is trying to make up for his acoholic/drugy mother. He is so irresponsible that we cannot leave the home for very long. He acts like such a big shot and not a worry in the world. I keep telling my husband he has no concience, he doesn't care. Does the same things over again. And things just to irratate me. My husband says he has to be responsible for him and try and get him on the right track. They had to go out of state to work, my husband will not leave him here alone with me. And has said that to his son, with all three of us in the room. That bothered me. I told my husband I didn't want him to come back. His dad is feeling guilty cause no one wants him and he has no place to go. He is supposed to leave him there when he comes home for visits. But somehow, he ends up going with my husband (cause he is not trustworthy) and then he is back here again. I am hoping he will show his true colors to my husband and he will have enough of it himself. I am sure there is more I don't know. How can I stop him from using my husband.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  MARoss-LCSW replied 2 years ago.

MARoss-LCSW :

Hi, I'm happy to try to help you. I am sorry to hear all this. I think your step son has shown his true colors to his dad, and his dad just doesn't want to see it. I'm sure there are many reasons for that. This young man has SERIOUS problems, and his behavior is unacceptable. You can't stop him from using your husband if your husband doesn't want to see it.

MARoss-LCSW :

Have you and your husband had any therapy together for this? Would your h be willing to go? Has your step son had therapy?

MARoss-LCSW :

apart from this situation, would you say you had a good marriage and were happy in it?

Customer:

No, don't think my husband will. Step has not had any either. Don't think h thinks it is that serious.

MARoss-LCSW :

Are you happy in your marriage apart from this?

Customer:

Yes. We don't fight at all

MARoss-LCSW :

How long is step supposed to be staying now?

Customer:

Hopefully he won't come back. But there always seems to be a reason he comes back with h when he is taking him to go somewhere else to live.

MARoss-LCSW :

How many years has this been going on?

Customer:

Off and on at 17 at 20 then no word , no calling h and then came back cause had no place to go. This time it is worse.

MARoss-LCSW :

do you think your h would be willing to make a deal with s that if he stays, he has to go to therapy?

Customer:

Don't know. I don't think that will help this kid actually. He is really good at what he is doing. I could say he does or I go I guess. Just wish h would really see him.

MARoss-LCSW :

I was going to suggest maybe giving h an ultimatum of he goes or you go but that is so very hard when you have an otherwise good marriage. it might be the only way though.

Customer:

H is very nice and passive with him. Do you think this kid is sociopath?

MARoss-LCSW :

You said other family have had problems with s. Do you think they'd be willing to support you in maybe doing what we call an intervention with your h, where you all sit down and discuss with him that he's not willing to look at the reality of the situation.

MARoss-LCSW :

Definitely sounds like he could be a sociopath which is dangerous as I'm sure you realize.

Customer:

I doubt it... I think they are afraid of him and don't want to tell h the truth. I even yelled at h and told him he didn't want to see the truth. He is hoping that we end up friends ! This kid hates me

MARoss-LCSW :

Have you ever "threatened" your h that you will leave?

Customer:

Told him I don't want to be here if he is here. He is trying to passify everything. Like he is the go between and he just wants it to not be happening. H thinks he was just like that when he was a kid. NOT in any shape or form. He is a good hearted man and I know he loves me. But this has gone bad

MARoss-LCSW :

Does your h have other kids or do you have kids together?

Customer:

Step is making him feel guilty

MARoss-LCSW :

of course, s is very manipulative

Customer:

No kids together. He has 3 with first marriage and a sister along with this one. His step sister and niece are the ones he tried to video in their bathroom. H knows. They told me, I told H when it happened

Customer:

Has 5 all together.

Customer:

No one wants to tell him things I guess. Denial? maybe

MARoss-LCSW :

Do the other kids have any problems like this? Definitely denial!

Customer:

No. His younger sis has some mood problems. We saved her from her mother. But she works and is very responsible at 23

MARoss-LCSW :

The situation with your h is like dealing with someone who has an addiction and doesn't think they have a problem. You can't make an adult with addiction etc, get help if they don't want it. You can ONLY take care of yourself. Are you in a position to get help for yourself with a therapist through your insurance if you have it or pay privately?

Customer:

I could

Customer:

How serious do you think this is with step?

MARoss-LCSW :

That is probably the best thing you could do for yourself at this time and tell your h you are going so you can figure out what you need to do for yourself in this situation, since he doesn't want to address it.

Customer:

H feels like he is abandoning him I know it. Okay

MARoss-LCSW :

You could consider temporarily separating for brief time to show your h you are serious. I think your s situation is VERY serious. I'm surprised he hasn't had any run in with the law or has he?

MARoss-LCSW :

You are NOT abandoning him. Your h is putting peoples lives in danger by allowing this to happen.

Customer:

He has stole bullets another time stole bacon of all things who knows what else

Customer:

But has stole from family too

MARoss-LCSW :

I know you love your h but honestly, his way of handling this is not acceptable. he needs therapy for himself too. He owes it to your marriage to get help with this.

Customer:

We are great as partners But this is going to do us both in. I am worried that this kid would do something to me honestly

Customer:

So he could make the situation work out his way

Customer:

that sounds awful

MARoss-LCSW :

You are right to be worried so you MUST take of your safety. what sounds awful? I didn't follow u.

Customer:

That I could fell like he could do something to me

Customer:

He has books on how to make bombs he is just really weird

Customer:

he is scary

Customer:

H just sees him as a lost boy

Customer:

H has made him pack up his stuff to go..... first time he brought him back now his stuff is in the cellar this time.

MARoss-LCSW :

Yes but your fears are based on the reality of his behavior. Please get some help for yourself if nothing else. there are people you've seen in the news that had books on how to make bombs and look what happened in those situations. he is a lost boy. He cant be forced to get help either but may have a chance if your h sets limits with him and won't help him unless he gets help.

MARoss-LCSW :

Is there anything else I can do to help?

Customer:

No thank you very much for your time. Oh I accidentally paid an extra 22 dollars. Will that just stay on my account.

Customer:

I appreciate you talking to me.

MARoss-LCSW :

I'm not sure how that works. You can check the FAQ's section or email customer service.

MARoss-LCSW :

YOu are welcome. Good luck. Please click the accept button for me and provide feedback if you are ok with that.

Customer:

Ok thanks again.

MARoss-LCSW, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 15
Experience: 18 years experience as a therapist/counselor.
MARoss-LCSW and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  MARoss-LCSW replied 2 years ago.
Hi

Just checking in with you since we chatted before about the situation with your step son and husband?

How are things going? Were you able to look into some help for yourself?

If you have other questions, feel free to ask!

Melanie A Ross LCSW

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