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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2816
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker.
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we have 3 children 9 year old girl, 5 year old boy and a 3

Resolved Question:

we have 3 children 9 year old girl, 5 year old boy and a 3 year old girl, when ever we try to ask them to do certain things they consistantely do the oposite, when we tidy the house up they throw food wrapers or spill drinks on the floor, we cant take them out any where or anybodys house because they basically cause havoc as they would at home, our 5 year old boy shouts and screams if he cant get his own way, he runs off when we do a simple task say go to the post office, he takes things from shops, we have used the idea of go to your bedroom if he has done something wrong, he even takes himself to his room when we have not said to him to do that, our 9 year old girl interupts when we are trying to have conversations either as a couple or even when with other of our families, she even goes to the extent of sitting on the washing which has just been ironed, or even just throwing it on the floor, our 3 year old girl is effectively copying what they do. We are basically banging our heads against a brick wall!
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 4 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi welcome.

Customer:

Hi

CoachJenK :

It seems as if the kids are running the house and it is now time to take control back. There is too much attention given to the negative behavior

Customer:

what would be the best way forward

CoachJenK :

We need a complete reversal here and unless there is an issue of safety I would completely ignore any of their behavior...they are enjoying the feedback...any attention is good attention.

CoachJenK :

I would clearly state what the rules are and ask if they are clear on what you say. when they disobey and they will test you...remove the privilege, toy, etc without words and COMPLETELY ignore the tantrum and mayhem.

CoachJenK :

Things will get worse before they get better because they will try and up the ante but stay firm and conssitent...they need to learn that there is no wiggle room and you both need to be on the same page so they cannot go to one and break you down

Customer:

we have taken toys etc away from them, and it is as though they are not too bothered about it!

CoachJenK :

do it without a word...just let them see you put it in a garbage bag. Say nothing and keep consistent!

CoachJenK :

they may not be bothered by it because they have seen inconsistencies so they know that things wont last.

Customer:

our 5 year old son seems to just laugh at us when say, we have told him off, our 3 year old girl, seems to basically ignore what we tell her and do the reversa

CoachJenK :

that is why i would move to absolute silence about it. No comments no telling off...all of that is energy toward them and they want that...I know its sounds backwards. She does the reverse because she is upping the ante to see how far she can go. turn your back and walk out of the room.

CoachJenK :

and if all else fails and you really try this for quite a bit...then i would take them to a child therapist to see if there is something deeper going on, but my guess is they are just learning that they rule the roost

Customer:

ok thanks for your comments

CoachJenK :

i know how hard it is but the ignoring and consistency will help...it will take some time as they protest but dont break down.

Customer:

thanks!

CoachJenK :

my pleasure. Please click accet if I have been helpful

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