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Dr. Olsen
Dr. Olsen, Psychologist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2336
Experience:  PsyD Psychologist
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I love to have sex with my wife but she is overly reserved.

Customer Question

I love to have sex with my wife but she is overly reserved. I would also like to expand our sex life together and try new things. She on the other hand would like to have sex in the missionary position once a week and never deviate. I am to the point that I have continplated going out side the marrage t fullfil my needs that she refuses to. Help?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Coach Jen K. replied 2 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi welcome.

CoachJenK :

How long have you been married and has it always been this way and just now it is becoming too much?

Customer :

10 years

Customer :

No in the beginning she loved to have sex all the time

CoachJenK :

so what do you think has changed for her?

Customer :

I have wanted to experiment more and be somewhat more adventureous, but she wants no part.

CoachJenK :

I would hate for you to step outside the marriage until you have tried all you can.

Customer :

I dont know what has changed other than me wanting to try new things

CoachJenK :

Would she be willing to go to a therapist and one who specializes in sext therapy for couples?

CoachJenK :

and maybe that scares her a bit

CoachJenK :

Is she aware that you are contemplating stepping out?

Customer :

She says yes but then always seems to find a reason not to make the appointment

CoachJenK :

well that is a good step at least.....so you make it and drive there together!

Customer :

Yes she even once suggested it. Although I dought she was serious.

Customer :

\Besides I do not want to be with anyone else

CoachJenK :

interesting. Well maybe she thinks it would take some pressure off of her.

CoachJenK :

I know you dont but you do want your needs met.

Customer :

that is what she said

CoachJenK :

I truly think then that if you can get into some counseling with a sex therapist that you could build an interesting and vibrant sex life again

CoachJenK :

lets assume for a minute that she was serious...I would still process that in therapy so the ground rules are clear.

CoachJenK :

as feelings could come up around it.

Customer :

I have no desire to go outside

CoachJenK :

but I beieve in working on it for the two of you to spice it up a bit...i know you are ready and she isnt.

Customer :

ok so how do I work on it?

CoachJenK :

I hear you so then we need to get you to work on it together with some outside help

CoachJenK :

so you can hear what her reservations are and she can hear your deisres and come to some place that works and feels safe and great for both of you

Customer :

we talk all the time she know what I want and I know what her reservations are. She says I should respect he wishes and back off. When I say the same she says I am being pushy

CoachJenK :

yes and that is why some outside help can really be beneficial because you talk but continue to bump into the same roadblock

Customer :

you are are giving very vague answers. not exactly what I was looking for

CoachJenK :

what is vague about what i am saying. I believe you should see a sex therapist as the dynamic between the two of you around this hasn't helped you achieve what you are looking for in your sex life.

Customer :

I ask a therapist a question and your answer is to see a therapist

CoachJenK :

I am desirous of you getting all that you want out of that with your wife and looking for a solution for it. I think it is possible but with some face to face counseling. It is hard when two people are in different places with their needs.

Customer :

thanks

CoachJenK :

yes because of the scope of what I can do online isn't enough. If you were in my office and we could have several sessions together we could go through it all. So, I am offering my support for your position and making a recommendation. I am sorry you are upset with that.

Customer :

not upset

CoachJenK :

ok. I really want to help you figure out the best next step. You are at a roadblock as your desires are in different places.

CoachJenK :

and you are being true to your marriage which I commend you for

Customer :

Ok so do I rent a porn to see if it gets her interest? do I but some toys to see if she responds? Do I just stay the way we are and masturbate my way through life? or do I go outside and find a FWB to help?

Customer :

any suggestions?

Customer :

I love my wife but I want more of her

CoachJenK :

All of those suggestions make me feel that she is going to run away from them by what you tell me about her being content with how things are.

Customer :

so what else can I try

CoachJenK :

that is why I think before you do any of that you get talking about it...I am not trying to sound like a broken record but I dont want her to run scared. She is fearful of something about the new adventures and doesnt desire it so it needs to be experimented with slowly

CoachJenK :

if you brought home pron how do you thnik she would react?

CoachJenK :

porn..sorry for the typo

Customer :

she likes sex or so she says, but never wants to do it. It is almost like she does it out of marrital obligation than for pleasure. Funny thing is she has two friends that love it. One practacly rapes her husband on a regular basis and says so. the other sells sex toys and gives first hand accounts on what is good. if you know what I mean.

Customer :

she says she would watch soft porn

CoachJenK :

and does she respond to those conversations with any desire? A woman's libido drops as we age as well. How old is she?

CoachJenK :

well if she says that..approach her with the suggestion and plan a lovely and romantic evening leading to that

Customer :

43

Customer :

I try to plan and she says that brings too much pressure to perform

CoachJenK :

ok well plan something then with NO pressure.. just cuddle and hold hands

CoachJenK :

like when you were dating....

CoachJenK :

maybe frustrating but she may need that courtship and slow romance to reignite things

Customer :

If I try to be spontanious and she does not go for that either

CoachJenK :

You are at your wits end! I feel for you.

Customer :

We do make love regularly. I will admit that. And ity is good.

CoachJenK :

Big deal I know you are thinking...solve it for me, Jen.

Customer :

I admit that.

CoachJenK :

Im trying my friend.

Customer :

But I want to break out a bit

CoachJenK :

I am glad for that and I can hear you do.

Customer :

But sometimes I want to f**k her! be a little kinky. sorry to be crude. but you know what I mean?

CoachJenK :

I hear that you want more than she is giving and you want some more spice. But you cant force that and she is not willing.

Customer :

I want to have SEX once in a while. not just make love

CoachJenK :

so your choices....accept that there is incompatible sex

CoachJenK :

desires

CoachJenK :

go outside the marriage with her permission

Customer :

desires..... and

CoachJenK :

get into sex therapy...i know broken record. Im sorry

Customer :

are you married

CoachJenK :

Yes

Customer :

if so what do you do to keep things going

Customer :

how long

CoachJenK :

well without going into details about my personal life i make sure we are always on the same page and if we arent neither of us force the issue. we talk, we deicide what works for both of us and work within that and there is always compromise

CoachJenK :

If I felt we were coming up against roadblocks time and again i would seek some outside help.

Customer :

but how long have you been married?

CoachJenK :

9 years

Customer :

because it was not always like this

Customer :

we have been together 12.

CoachJenK :

yes and as I said a womans libido does decrease as we age. do you know if she is in perimenopause?

CoachJenK :

this can contribute to the lessening desire.

CoachJenK :

and then there are just the plain differences between men and women's needs around sex.

Customer :

odd thing is she was divorced once because her ex cheated on her. I think I may know why. so you would think she would be willing to bend further so as not to repeat

Customer :

"differences in sex how

CoachJenK :

men have more desire than women...it is a VERY common complaint.

Customer :

I read all the time that women in their 40s say it the best sex ever?

Customer :

should it matter if she had a hysto.

CoachJenK :

that may be true for some but it doesnt sound like that is the case for her.

Customer :

sorry not sure how to spell that

CoachJenK :

It absolutely could as her hormones are affected.

Customer :

I know phyisically it affected her for the better

CoachJenK :

I cant tell you how many women i speak with that just dont want to have as much sex as their husbands do.

Customer :

Funny and women wonder why men cheat!

CoachJenK :

maybe so.

CoachJenK :

But remember you are a good guy and that isnt what you want.

CoachJenK :

so get both of you into some sex therapy and explore the reasons and differences in your desires and you desire to break out and see if that can bring you to a different and better place.

Customer :

women get so mad for men cheating yet thay do not want to have sex as much and cut men off. so men only have two options - cheat or go with out.

Customer :

yet women seem to always think men are just pigs for cheating

Customer :

maybe thats because monagamy is man made and not natural

Customer :

or should I say woman made

CoachJenK :

women cheat too! believe it or not!

CoachJenK :

given all that you have said you have tried to no avail my suggestions remain....sex therapy and a medical work up to check her hormone levels.

Customer :

Only because they have bad marragies

Customer :

sorry spelling

CoachJenK :

I believe I have offered as much as I can. Would you like me to opt out and give you the chance to speak with someone else?

Customer :

sure

Customer :

why not

Customer :

thanks

CoachJenK :

ok. I hope all works out for you.

Expert:  Dr. Olsen replied 2 years ago.
Hi
Thank you for writing in JustAnswer. I'll try to give a good answer to you.
Let me ask you a question first.
Are you an your wife open to sex therapy and/or marriage counseling ?
Please let me know by clicking on “Reply” and I will then craft my response.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Warm Regards,

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