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JaRee1993
JaRee1993, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience:  Licensed to diagnosis and treat mental and emotional health issues of adults, adolescents and children and pastoral counseling.
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Hi, I have a very very basic relationship question: what is

Resolved Question:

Hi, I have a very very basic relationship question: what is the best way to go over a relationship with the man you wished to marry and who happens to be also your best friend in a city where you have almost no friends? This person is almost all you have and you need him otherwise you just feel too lonely and sad. You practice yoga, you go out to meet people, but you still miss this person and you want to keep having him be part of your life, but when you see him you get hurt, cause you want to be a in a relationship and he does not. In other words, how can you be friend with your ex?!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  JaRee1993 replied 2 years ago.

JaRee1993 :

Hi, Thank you for contacting Just Answer. My name is Ja`Ree and I am a mental health counselor and would like to assist you with this question..


 

JaRee1993 :

How long have you been broke up with your ex trying to just be friends?

Customer:

Hi, has been 2 months

JaRee1993 :

How long were you going together and why did you break up?

Customer:

we have been on and off for a year. at the beginning none of us was really interested in a serious relationship but eventually I feel in love and I told him. This is when we had a serious chat about our relation and he told me that he saw me most as his best friend and was not really in love with me. He did not give a reason of why the relationship for him was not working, he simply said there was not the right chemistry

JaRee1993 :

I know that must have hurt very much, however, it sounds as though the pain of being around him knowing it can never be more than just friendship is taking its toll on you.

JaRee1993 :

It takes a while for us to be able to move on from a relationship that was good and that the friendship is still good and so trying to move on means giving up a friend so you feel like you are losing two people. Does that make sense?

Customer:

yes, definitely. That's why I really don't know what I should do

JaRee1993 :

I will tell you that you will never be able to move on and get over him as long as you continue to spend time with him. It is kind of like trying to remove a bandaid very slowly. It hurts more than when you just pull it off. If you can make yourself stop seeing him and get involved in groups and organizations that will enable you to meet new people and make new friends you will find that time and distance will help you get over him.

Customer:

yes, that's what I have been trying to do for the past 2 months, without success...

JaRee1993 :

Please know though, that it will take time and you need to allow yourself to grieve the loss you will feel so that you can move on. sometimes it helps to find someone you can talk to on a regular basis to help you work through the feelings.

JaRee1993 :

We cannot truly move on until we allow ourselves to grieve our loss and the time it takes is different for everyone. Would you consider seeing a therapist for awhile to assist you with the grieving process and developing skills to help you move on and find the right person for you?

Customer:

I tried once couple of years ago but I did not find it useful unfortunately

JaRee1993 :

Maybe you were not really ready to let go at that time, or maybe it was not the right counselor for you. I would like for you to consider giving it another try. What are some of the ways you have tried to meet new people?

Customer:

I go to some happy hours and parties from time to time and go to salsa classes. There have been some guys that seemed interested but then they did not turn to really be. Ex, they got my number but never called, or I saw them once but did not show a real interest to see me again (and in fact we never saw each other again)

JaRee1993 :

Do you suppose they are picking up on the fact that you are not over your ex yet?

Customer:

I am trying to understand whether there is some issue related to my personality that makes guys not be that interested in me. I am objectively pretty and smart, but for some reason guys don't seem really interested in having a serious relationship with me

Customer:

nope, I never talk about that with guys I meet

JaRee1993 :

Why would you think that there is something about your personality that would make them not interested?

Customer:

well, in my life I have been in love 3 times and all the 3 times I have been dumped

Customer:

seems I am not able to retain the people I really love

JaRee1993 :

Why do you think that is? Did each of these men have anything in common? Did they have the same personality etc? Sometimes we pick men who are emotionally unavailable.

Customer:

all the three have a strong personality, good heart, caring, fun and very sociable, all qualities I like in men. The first one was a story of almost 4 years, and at the end he left me cause he discovered he was no longer in love. with the other two, they simply were never in love with me

Customer:

but at the end the sensation is the same = I am not good enough for them but I don't understand what is missing in me or what I do wrong, as when I ask they always reply that there is no chemistry

JaRee1993 :

It does sound as though you are attracted to the same type of men and maybe each of them have difficulty committing to a relationship. Do you feel that because they were not in love with you that there must be something wrong with you?

Customer:

yes, I do. Well in terms of relationships they all differed. The first two ones wanted to commit (the second in fact got married a year after we broke up) and with the last one it's very different. This last one has had relationships that only lasted 3 months, so I have been the longest in his life (and he is 37)

Customer:

and he said he never loved any woman with whom he had a relationship. he only had unreciprocated love..

JaRee1993 :

With the last one it sounds as though he is the one with having a problem with committing. Would you consider trying to find another counselor you can talk with on a regular basis to help you work through your feelings and your concerns about you having a problem keeping a relationship?

Customer:

perhaps but I am concerned not to find a good one. The experience that i had was that the counselor was not a good listener and kept asking me about childhood and wanted to book plenty of sessions, while what I was talking about was not useful to em and made me feel I was losing time

Customer:

I would consider go if there is somebody who I can trust to be a good one and not a money maker basically...

JaRee1993 :

I can understand your concern. If you would consider it I would like for you to call your local mental health board and ask them for a referal for a good counseling center. When you call the center be very honest about your last experience and tell them the kind of counselor you are looking for. You have the right to expect to get the help you need in a way that you feel comfortable and understood. I don't want you to go on feeling the way you do about yourself and not find the happiness you deserve and desire. Will you give this a try?

Customer:

When you say to call a local mental health board you mean my physician or some other type of institute?

JaRee1993 :

It is the board that governs your local mental health centers. You can get their numbers from the Chamber of Commerce in your city. However, you can also ask your doctor for a referal if that will make you more comfortable. But, please find someone you are comfortable with to assist you with being able to move on and to be confidant with the fact that a man would be lucky to have a relationship with you.

Customer:

and can you recommend me a website where I can read the ratings that patients gave to mental health specialists?

JaRee1993 :

I am not sure about a website for that. I have not heard of such a website. Has someone told you that there is a website for that?

Customer:

well, there are some sites where patients post reviews of health specialists, but not sure whether they include therapists as well

JaRee1993 :

Yea, I am not sure either. If you want to see if there has been any negative reports on a therapist after you know the name of the one you are going to see you can find the State Social Workers, Counselors board for that state and look them up to see if there is any reports on them.

Customer:

ok, thanks. I have one more last question for you, if it's OK

JaRee1993 :

Of course

Customer:

It is about this last guy I was dating. He is not the typical guy a woman would be attracted by, cause he is pretty short, shorter than me and quite unattractive (like with a big belly..). And I think that his appearance has been and is a problem for him. He told me I was one of the most attractive women he had the luck to date and I think that the reason he has short relationships is because he has some issues to relate to women. However he has a very strong and apparently secure personality. Perhaps this is a too complicated question to answer, but is it possible that his physical appearance has created some issues for him to relate to women in a 'serious' way?

JaRee1993 :

It is possible, however, with having a strong secure personality it would not seem to be the case. What I would like for you to do though is to stop trying to figure out what he is the way he is and begin to work on you so that you can move on and be happy as you deserve. Please take care of you.Please let me know if I can assist you any further with this issue. If this answer has helped you then please press the Accept button at the bottom of the page so that I can be paid by Just Answer. Also, please fill out the feedback form so that I can know how to better serve our customers. Again, thank you for contacting Just Answer. Ja`Ree


 

Customer:

Thank you for your help, bye

JaRee1993 :

You are welcome!


If this answer has helped you then please press the Accept button at the bottom of the page so that I can be paid by Just Answer. Also, please fill out the feedback form so that I can know how to better serve our customers. Again, thank you for contacting Just Answer.

JaRee1993, Mental Health Professional
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 180
Experience: Licensed to diagnosis and treat mental and emotional health issues of adults, adolescents and children and pastoral counseling.
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