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Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5430
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
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Im really nervous about going to see Linda today. Ive had

Customer Question

I'm really nervous about going to see Linda today. I've had a migraine since last evening, which doesn't help, but it's finally calming down. I am nervous about even seeing her and worried that she will read my note and blow it off.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Shay,

 

I have been thinking about you all morning, hoping that you are doing ok.

 

It's ok to be nervous. Linda will not reject your note. From what you have told me about her, I think it's impossible for her to do that! She wants to be there for you. And your note is very well written and does not contain anything that would make her want to blow it off.

 

It may help you to look at your fears instead of at Linda. What do you fear would happen if Linda did ignore your note? How would you feel? And what do your feelings mean about you?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

I don't think Linda will ignore the note. But I think she might just say that she doesn't feel that way and I shouldn't worry about it. And that won't resolve anything. Part of me doesn't want to talk about it at all, or talk about anything with her, really. But if I continue to feel this way, I won't be able to keep going back to her, and I am guessing that we need to talk about it to try to resolve it. But I can see her just saying "that's ridiculous - I don't feel that way at all." and that's it. And if that happens, I know I'm not going to be able to say "wait, we need to discuss this." I don't imagine she understands ow intense these feelings were (and are, although a bit less).

But I'm also worried about if we do talk about it. I already feel like I might throw up.

So if she just blows off the note with a statement or 2, I will feel like I went today for nothing, and I will feel like I can't go back to her and I will continue to feel the way I do until it resolves itself. I will also feel like she misunderstands me, which will be bad, because I need someone who "gets" me - who even can pull out things when I don't say them or even if I don't know they are there. You do that more - just chatting online - than she does. That's okay, because I think she understands in different ways, but if that is gone (or if I feel like it is), I won't trust her.

Also - frankly, it will disappoint me because I spent my whole childhood having my feelings ignored, even he important or intense ones, and it would be just like that, I feel.

You ask what these feelings mean about me? I guess they mean that maybe I expect too much from Linda and that I am afraid she will react to my feelings the same way my parents did (even though it wouldn't be er intention), and then I will have to deal with the feelings on my own, and my first instinct is to avoid her.

I really don't know.

Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It's ok to push the issue some with Linda. This is something that is bothering you and should be addressed. Telling Linda how you feel may help her see that you need to talk this out. I would be truthful with her and tell her that you may not be able to come back if you don't have the chance to talk this out with her. Make sure you point out that this is not so much about how she feels about your attack, but about how you feel about yourself.

 

I understand that you feel very anxious about this. You are confronting a big fear of yours which is about rejection and your transference onto Linda of all the feelings about your attack. It's powerful and can feel overwhelming. But you are in control. You will not lose it. You may feel upset but that is all.

 

You can also tell Linda that you need insight into this issue and you want her help to get it. Every therapist understands that and they know that means some deeper work needs to take place.

 

You made a very good point- your feelings were ignored when you were a child and this fear you feel is comparable to that. You do not want to feel ignored again, because if you were, you would feel like you did when you were young and wanted your parents to care about how you felt. It's a good insight to have when you talk with Linda. You want her to give you what your parents would not, and if she does not, it will confirm what you feel about yourself, that your feelings are not valid or ok to have. And that will not feel good.

 

You are not expecting too much from Linda, you are just trying to get your needs met through therapy, which is completely normal. You and I have talked about how Linda is older and the fact that you pick older people in your life to substitute what you did not get from your mother and father. Linda is one of those substitutes so it's easy to see her in the place of your mother. Your desire to have Linda meet your needs is strong because if she does, you will not have to live with the thought that your feelings are wrong. You may not be able to control those feelings/transference, but being aware of them can help the impact of Linda's response to be less.

 

When do you see Linda today?

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5430
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
At 1:00, in about an hour.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Ok. How are you feeling?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Not very well.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
It's ok to feel nervous. Take a deep breath and do your best to relax. I'm here and I can stay with you until you have to go if you feel that will help you.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
I remember feeling as you do when I was in therapy. A couple of times I almost did throw up. But once I got there I felt a little better. And the sessions turned out better than I thought.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thanks, kate. We're meeting in a diffrent room because of construction. and it's in the basement of the church. i will have to scope out where the bathroom is, just in case :)
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It's always good to be prepared!

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I wish I could have someone there with me to hold my hand. I know that sounds strane, but I do. But I wouldn't want anyone (even P) coming into therapy with me.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I have felt like throwing up a few times in therapy. Linda will offer to bring the trash can over. I didn't ever throw up (while I was there), but the thought of sitting there throwing up in front of her into a trash can is beyond odd.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Should I just hand her the note right away and ask her to read it 00 before we get into the initial small talk?
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Yes, I would give it to her right away. That way, you can have the most amount of time to talk about it.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
thanks, Kate. I'm going to leave in about 5-10 minutes.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
but what do I say if she does want to talk about it. I may tell her I want to talk about it but have nothing to say.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

That is ok to do. Let her guide you as to what to do. She will know how to handle this.

 

Let me know how it goes. I'll be thinking of you.

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Ok. thanks.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
You're welcome.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I just got back. It went okay.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
Do you want to talk about what happened? If you don't want to share that is ok. I just want to be sure you are ok.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I'm okay. And I guess I do want to talk to you about it, but I have to go get my hair cut, so I won't be able to even post by phone until after 5 (7 your time), so if you aren't online tonight, we can talk about it later.
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.
I'll check in before I go to bed then. Talk to you later.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,
Well, Linda met me at the door and we had to go downstairs. On the elevator, she told me that she thought about calling me several times this week because she was worried about how I was doing and thought maybe I would call her after the session on monday. (we both agreed, after sh read the letter, that it was probably best she didnt call) She asked how I've been since Monday and I told her not great. She said we didn't have to do EMDR today if I didn't want to. I said I didn't want to and that I wanted her to read something first, and I gave her the letter. She said "oh I love it when you write things" and then said "it's a letter to me?". I said yes because I didn't think I could tell her. She started reading it (I swear - we only rode the elevator down one floor, and it must be the slowest elevator on earth!). It was awkward. I asked her to please wait to read it until we got in the room.

So she started reading it, stopped, and said no wonder I had been scared - it seems like I dissociated and told me it was a common reaction, etc. I told her to please finish reading because that was kind of the least of the issues right now. So she read the rest of it, and started to make comment several times but o made it clear I wanted her to read the whole thing before she said anything. But it was apparently hard for her to do that.

When she was done she said she had so many things she wanted to say that she needed to get them in order. She said we didn't have to do EMDR - ever - of I didn't want to. She said that she spoke to her mentor for EMDR stuff about what happened on Monday, and she said that it obviously stirred up some very intense emotions (duh) and she told Linda I may very well not want to do it again. She said she was fine with that, and she just wanted to make sure she was doing everything she could to help me.

She kept asking me if I thought she thought differently of me or what. I said not really, considering she hadn't formed much of an opinion of me before I told her. She said she never ever and never would think I was a whore, an she doesn't think i caused this to happen - that it happened to me and that even what I think I chose to do were things that happened to me and she didn't see them as things I chose to do. She said she understands that these things we disuss are very private things, and she is honored that I trusted her enough to share with her things I won't and haven't shared with anyone else.

She said that maybe because she was sitting right beside me and I "went there" on Monday, maybe in my mind, it was like she was there watching it. I said that's a possibility. She also was asking if I expect her to have the same feelings about it that I have. I told her yes. I aske her directly about projection and transference, and she said maybe.

I also to her that it is difficult because the nature of therapy is that it is an imbalanced relationship. she has all the information and therefore all the power.

She said that I grew up being taught not to express my emotions, and that doing so with her probably makes me feel even more vulnerable. I told her, too, that I am a bit uncomfortable being so dependent on her, because if she rejects me, it would devastate me. She assured me she is in it for the long haul.

She said she has nothing but good feelings about me and it's been that way since I walked in the dpi the first day. She said she finds my honesty refreshing and that I just seem to be "me" in there, which she said she appreciates because she knows I feel I can't do that with most people. She said she likes my mind and the way I will sit in silence and ponder something, then suddenly blurt out something really important and difficult. She said whenever I am feeling she may think bad about me, try to remember how cool she thinks I am. :)

I also to her I was a little pissed, honestly, when I came back to reality, because I didn't understand why she didn't get me out of it, but I understood she probably couldn't stop it and probably didn't know what was going on. She said she is so sorry she didn't realize what was happening. She thought I was just crying hard, and she thought I needed to cry. She did notice I had my hands over my ears, but didn't know why. She said she told me a few times I was safe, that she was there, etc and although I didn't say anything, she thought I had heard her. She sai she should have gotten a clue when I was rocking. She asked if from now on, If i was crying, of she should check I. With me. I said that would be fine, but it would probably make me stop crying. I told her just hand me tissues or something. She said she tried that on Monday and I didn't take them so she tucked them by my leg. I said well, that would be a good indication, then, of whether I was out of it or just crying.

We talked for a long time and she kept asking what she could do or say. I didn't know. I still don't know.

I was trying to explain to her how hard it was for me to sit there with her knowing all this stuff, but she didn't totally understand, I think. But she was talking about how she thinks I've always been modest (body-wise) and this stuff is especially private for me.

She said she was glad I wrote her the letter.

I just noticed she tried to call me this evening. She left me a voicemail message saying that she was driving out of town and wa thinking about me, and she was so glad I was honest with her and that I wrote the letter, and she just wondered how I was doing and to call this weekend if I need to. I thought that was nice.

She also said on the message that she is so sorry she didn't realize what I was going through on Monday, because she could have helped me a lot more.

I think I made her feel bad, and I didn't mean to.

So it was okay. I need to think it through. By the time I left, myigraobe was comin back, so I took migraine meds, which helped the headache but made me even more tired and out of it.

So I'm not sure what I think or feel. But I didn't throw up or even come close!! That's a plus.

I hope you have had a good Friday night!

Shay
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Wow, Shay, that is a lot! I'm glad it worked out better than you expected. I think the letter you wrote helped a lot. It gave Linda a chance to see what you felt. Telling her to read it through without stopping was a good idea too.

 

I thought that she might be open to not doing the EMDR again. Your reaction says that the EMDR brings out too many of your memories and feelings for you to cope with at one time. When you think of it, you just started getting in touch with your feelings a short time ago. Although you have made huge gains since then, you are in the middle of dealing with the worst of your situation. Bringing out more of those memories and feelings before you have a chance to develop coping mechanisms is traumatic. It's better to wait till you feel ready or to let it go altogether. Like I mentioned, the studies so far on EMDR show that it is no more effective than traditional therapy. Until it's proven otherwise that EMDR is better than therapy, it's good to stick to what is known to work.

 

Since Linda is new to EMDR, she might not have been prepared for your reaction to the therapy. That is probably why she didn't recognize that you were in distress afterwards. The rocking and hands over your ears are both signs that you were overwhelmed and needed help. She may have thought that you just needed time to cry it out.

 

When Linda asked you what you needed from her, you said you did not know. What do you think about it now? Any idea of what she could do or could have done to make you feel better? You are not used to identifying your emotional needs so this question might be troublesome, but it's worth thinking through. It will help you get practice in identifying what you need from others.

 

I'm glad this all worked out for you! I was thinking of you all through it and praying it was going easy for you. When do you see Linda again? How do you feel about it?

 

Now you can relax and enjoy your day tomorrow! Do you have any grand plans for your day by yourself? (And by grand I mean jammies, movies and good eats!)

 

Good night, Shay. Sleep well!

 

Kate

 

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5430
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Kate,

Sorry. I intended to respond last night, but I was super tired. I Slept for about 11 hours. I woke up a few times, but not for long. I still feel really tired, but I'm sure I will feel much more rested today. That was a long time to sleep! AND I don't have a headache at all this morning!

I agree that it went better yesterday with Linda than I feared. And I wasn't a uncomfortable sitting in there with her. Even when she was reading my letter. That's always a little awkward, under any circumstances, but it was okay.

And as I said, she WAS okay with not doing the EMDR. I was a bit concerned in the elevator, when she said we didn't have to do it yesterday, implying that we would start again next week. I think that it helped that her mentor had kind of told her that it was an extreme reaction, and that I may not want to try it again.

I was glad I ended up tellin her my initial reaction about being upset that she hadn't pulled me out of the state I was in, but I knew she didn't know what what going on, and I hadn't been able to tell ER at the time and don't tell her much after. She did think I was just crying. I didn't realize I was rocking. I do think that should have been some kind of clue to her, since I have never done that before. But I think, too, tht she is not as clued in to what to look for with me, since it hasn't been too long since I have been able to let go and actually cry in there (and not just tear up).

She seemed to understand how scary it was for me.

As far as what I needed her to say or do, I don't know. She was asking 2 things, really. First, she was asking what she could do to convince me tht she didn't feel the way about me that I thought she did. She said she doesn't know what else she could do - that she would even take a lie detector test. She said again that I have been thinking these things for years, that I was making some progress and kind of wavering, and now it ha resurfaced more intensely, which she said was normal, especially considering the intensity of the EMDR. But she said to think about the fact that she has never wavered. I think she feels bad that I am sort of regretting telling her everything.

She was also asking me what she should have done to help on Monday and what I need now. I really don't know, though. I wanted for her to have stopped what was happening Monday. But I don't know if she could have, or how. And as far as what she can do now, I don't know. One thing is assure me she's not going to give up on me, but I feel pretty secure in that right now. Otherwise, I don't know. What do you think?

Sometimes i think it would make me feel better if she just sat right beside me when I was upset, or even hold my hand or out her arm around me. But (1) I think that's inappropriate, probably, in the therapy situation; and (2) sometimes her doing that would make me feel worse.

So I don't know what I need or what she can do to make me feel better.

I see her again Monday evening. I think I will call her today and return her call from last night, just so she knows all is fine and she doesn't need to feel bad about not catching what was going on Monday.

She is not going to notice everything and she is going to make mistakes - like we all do. I'm not upset with her, and I don't think she really made any mistakes. But i did appreciate the fact that she admitted she just didn't know.

You said that the rockin and hands over my ears were signs I was in distress and needed help. But what could she have done to help ?

I feel better about going Monday than I did about going yesterday. But it will still be a little awkward.

I really appreciate your talking to me until I had to go yesterday. It really helped!

Do you think all this stuff going on emotionally is why I have ha an increase in headaches the past few weeks? I've been able to stop the before they get out of control, but then the meds make me tired and out of it. Just a thought.

Yesterday when I went to get my haircut, I took some migraine pill and was so tired I told her to do anything she wanted. So she made it all kind of a mussed-up spiky look. It's actually kind of fun. And kind of funny, because it's nothing I would have chosen to do. Oh well! Hair grows out and I think a change is good.

Not much in the way of plans today. I may go shopping with Jamie, because I need new jeans and he has some awesome discounts that expire tomorrow. So I guess I might actually leave the house, but not for long, and then I'll probably nap and watch a movie and do some work. P won't be home until tonight, and I'm looking forward to alone time.

Hope you're having a great day!

S
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Shay!

 

The only thing I think Linda might have tried is to stop the EMDR when you began to get upset. But since I was not there, I'm not sure she could have or that she even knew what you were feeling. Because of that, I don't want to second guess her decisions. But that is something I might do if the person I was seeing was getting to distressed. Sometimes you need to move away from your feelings for a while until you feel calmer and the therapist can offer support and suggestions to get you either to talk about what you are feeling or to help you find ways to cope so you feel less distressed.

 

Linda is allowed to sit next to you if you feel it would help. Some therapists will even hold your hand, though it is up to each therapist as to how comfortable they feel about that. Ethics are pretty strict and some people may see touching in any form a ethical violation, especially if the therapist and client are male and female. But asking her to sit with you is certainly reasonable.

 

You're welcome for yesterday! I understand how it feels and I was happy to be there with you until you were ready to go.

 

If you rule out any possible physical cause for your headaches, then the cause is almost guaranteed to be the stress you have been under. You were going on little sleep and trying to cope with work demands along with feeling distressed by your emotions. Something has to give under that kind of stress and it's common to begin to experience physical symptoms as a result.

 

Your haircut sounds fun! I'm always curious to see what a hairstylist will do when you let them have their way, but I'm way too chicken to find out.

 

I'm glad you have a day to enjoy yourself and relax. Even if you do go out, picking out new jeans is fun and not stressful (unless you can't find your size then it gets annoying!). Enjoy your day!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 5430
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Well, I hate shopping or and trying on clothes. I'm more likely to buy something and wait until I get home to see I it fits. But you can't really do that with jeans. And I always forget to return things I they don't fit, which is such a hug waste of money. But it's worth going today if I can save 50%.

Just to clarify - I had asked Linda to stop the EMDR before things got so bad. So she had stopped before my little episode. She was just sitting there. She sausage did say a few things, and he thought I heard her. So what else could she do? It's not like she's going to slap me to snap out of it or something.

The sitting beside me may help sometimes. But on Monday, the fact that she had her chair sitting right next to
Ine really close was on of the problems, I think. She said something about it yesterday, too, wondering if her close proximity and the fact that I was kind of experiencing things, made me feel like like she was there watching it. ? That my be. I dont know. And sometimes I wouldn't want her touching me. And I sense, ethically, that she may have an issue. She has given me a few awkward hugs before when I'm leaving, or an awkward par on the shoulder when handing me tissues. It's just weird. I think sometimes it would help , but sometimes it really would not.

I think you should try to let your hairdresser do whatever they want once. Hair grows back!! I had longer hair, all one length, with no bangs (and my hair is dead straight) from cleve until about a year ago. Then I just told her to chop it all off and do whatever. It was funny - she cut off a big chunk really short first thing so I couldn't change my mind. It looked so different. People seriously didn't recognize me at church the next day. It was funny. But I ended up really liking it. Seriously - give it a try!

I know there are physical reasons for my migraines, but nothing physical has changed, and since I've been on this antiseizure stuff to prevent them, I have been getting them a lot less. And then lately, I keep staring to get them - much more frequently. There is a chance that the various sleeping pills, and now the other 2 new meds are causing the antiseizure to be less effective, bit I think it more psychological than physical, especially because of some of the timing.

It's nice that you understood my fear and nervousness about going yesterday. It helps that you have experience that and aren't just lookin at it from a therapist's point of view.

Well, I'm off now. Will be glad to get back home and veg after this.

Thanks, Kate :)

S
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It sounds like Linda did what she could during your session and you felt ok with that. And the experience helped you both know that EMDR is probably not the best option for you now.

 

Linda sitting next to you may have had an effect, especially if you feel it did. Listen to your gut feeling about it. That will tell you a lot. You know what helps and what doesn't. And sometimes Linda sitting with you will help and sometimes it will make you feel worse. It's just a matter of finding out when that is.

 

It may help to pay attention to how much stress you feel you are under and when the headaches start to appear in relation to the stress level. You may want to try using a scale of 1 to 10 and rate yourself everyday to help you get more in touch with your stress level.

 

Have fun today!

 

Kate

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Keeping kind of a "stress log" concerning the migraines might be a good idea. I used to keep a log ad what I was doing, what I ate and drank every day, etc. to try to find out what might trigger the migraines. It helped me figure out that MSG, chocolate, even a sip of red wine will trigger than, as well as hormones, stress and barometric pressure changes. But I don't know what else. I heard that lack of sleep can really contribute. We still don't know what causes the stroke-like complicated migraines. And the problem is that after numerous ct scans, MRIs and MRAs, they don't know what cases themexcept they're pretty certain that it isn't MS, and 100% positive there's no tumor or anything. They said that if I could hey an MRI while it was happening, that would be optimal. But how is that going to work? It's not like my neurologists have an MRI at their office. I apparently have some vascular issues in my brain, but no aneurysms or anything - just like spasming blood vessels, from what I could understand. About once a year, my neurologist would have me go through all the tests again, thinking it might be MS or a seizure issue or that i was having small strokes but the complicated migraine diagnosis fits. I didn't have to do the testing this year, because she moved and I have a different neurologist. But regardless of what they say, I think it is primarily hormonal and maybe stress. Shopping with Jamie was fun. She said "you are so less stressed away from work and church and groups of people.". I thought that was a little odd. She was probably psyched, too, because I bought her some clothes. She's broke because her husband doesn't have a job. So I let her get whatever she wanted because (1) she was saving m 50% on everything, and (2) she will have to dress up more when we move to the other firm. I let her wear jeans most days. So it was fun. I even convinced her to buy an Easter dress. She looked pretty. I came home and slept for 3 hours. I couldn't believe it. I made a pot of coffee and laid on the couch to wait for it to brew, and was out like a light. I had a bad dream, which is kind of unusual for me during a nap, but that kind of tells me the meds are working at night because I haven't had bad dreams for a few days. I woke up soaking wet with sweat, with the dogs staring at me. I can't believe I've slept so much. I did write down my nightmare, though. That's hard to do. It replays the feelings almost. I did feel okay with what linda did on Monday, after I thought about it. But when I came out of it at first and she said something, I was thinking "you are sitting right there and didn't rescue me.". I know that is unreasonable, but that's how I initially felt. Hopefully that will never happen again, since we aren't going to do EMDR, but I guess it was a type of flashback, maybe? Or partly? If it were to happen again, what could she do to get me out of it? Anything? I want to have a "plan" in place if it happens again. I think it was hard, too, because she was apparently saying stuff, but I couldn't hear her. But she didn't know that. She said she could yell. That's fine where we're meeting right now, but would not be fine in our usual room. There are people close. I Returned Linda's call and left her a message. I told her I appreciated her call and to please not feel bad, because that was not the intent of my letter. I just wanted her to know those things. And it wasn't her fault. This is off the subject, but I'm really looking forward to starting the bipap. I understand sometimes it doesn't seem to make a drastic difference, but some people say it does. I'm not sure I know what it is like to get an actual good night's sleep and wake up refreshed. I didn't think anyone did. Well, I'm going to eat and take a relaxing bath and try to go to sleep (again. :) ). I have to be at church at 8 to practice, so I want to try to get in some good sleep. With all this sleep, next week has got to be a lot better!Oh, also, do you think Linda is going to want to talk again on Monday about the letter and stuff? If she asks me what I want to talk about, I'm not sure what to say. I really hope you had a great day!Talk to you soon!S
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
No nightmares last night!
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

Hi Shay,

 

It's can be very frustrating to not know why you have migraines. Not knowing why can be even more discouraging than not having many answers on how to stop them. But although it has not been proven yet, it's ok to make the assumption that stress can play a big part in migraines. It doesn't hurt anyway. By tracking your stress levels and seeing how they correspond to your migraines, you might discover a way to control at least some of them.

 

It sounds like you have been through a lot of testing for your migraines! My sister had to have scans for her migraines and the doctors have found the area of her brain that she was experiencing the headaches. I will ask her more details about what they found in her scans and see if she can shed some light on her experiences for you.

 

I'm glad that you and Jamie had so much fun! Retail therapy can really help :) It was so kind of you to treat her to some clothes. I bet she was thrilled.

 

You have been sleeping a lot- that is good to hear. You needed it. When you first started to work on your feelings from the attack and from your past, you were spending most nights coping with nightmares and not sleeping well. Combining the days full of intense emotions with the lack of sleep can take a toll. Although it is normal to go through tough times when you are working through your emotions, it can add up and cause you to crash after a while. That is why I think it's great you are getting this time to take care of yourself and sleep as much as possible. It can often be good therapy in itself to spend time sleeping, resting and enjoying yourself.

 

You mentioned that right after the EMDR you wanted Linda to rescue you. What do you feel would have helped you? Not being there, it's hard to say at what point she could have stepped in, but your feeling that she needed to rescue you says that you felt she could have done something. What you feel she could have done depends very much on what you needed at the time. And everyone is different so it's ok if you feel you needed something that was out of the ordinary or seems odd to you. This is about getting in touch with your deepest emotions so anything goes.

 

EMDR is supposed to let you re experience the trauma then reframe it so you do not see it in the same way as you did before. It is not a traditional therapy and has a lot of controversy about it so the effectiveness has not been studied a lot yet. It's not really supposed to give you flashbacks per say. More of memories which are then re framed for you through therapy.

 

Linda may want to talk about the letter again, if she feels is was unresolved in any way. But if you bring it up, then she probably will want to explore your feelings about it. You may want to talk about how you felt during it if you think that might be unresolved for you.

 

No nightmares last night! That is good news.

 

I hope church goes well for you today. I just got back myself and it was nice. Usually is though.

 

Enjoy your day!

 

Kate

Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC, Therapist
Category: Mental Health
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Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I don't know what I needed. It wasn't until after I was out of whatever state I was in that I felt she should have rescued me. I don't know. Maybe she could have taken my hands off my ears and tried to talk to me, tell me I'm not there, I'm here with her and it's not real? But she didn't know I wasn't just crying. And I'm not sure taking my hands off my ears would have been even doable or a good idea. I have settled down a lot with my nightmares, but p said I used to fight her when she tried to wake me up or take my hands off my ears. So if I reacted I Linda how I use to when somebody tried waking me up, it would not be good for her.

I don't know what she could have done I what I needed - really - except I wanted her to have stopped that from happening.

Linda might have some ideas, because web she left me the voice mail message on Friday, she said she was sorry she didn't catch what was going on because she could have provided some more and better support.

I think I may write her another letter to give to her tomorrow. That seemed to work well, and there are some things I want to say that I might lose the nerve to say or might not get a chance to say. I feel like things are fine, especially since she is okay with not doing EMDR. And because of what we discussed on Friday, but I dont feel as trustful of for comfortable with her. I know she's on my side, but I feel like backing away from her. So maybe if I say the rest of what I need to say, on another letter, things will be better. But I have. I clue.

Church was fun. I'm really not wanting to go back tonight to do our program, but I have little choice. Plus, my banjo teacher comes to all our programs, and he isn't save and I would really like c to talk to him. I really like him.

I'm glad I got so much sleep this weekend, too. But I am still really tired. I don't see how I could be!

I think I may quit praise team for good. The sound guys like my voice, so they always turn me way up. I have a loud voice anyway, so my mic should be turned down. The old sound guy did the same thing. Sometimes we notice it in the monitor, and I will trade mics with whatever other woman I'm singing with. But we can only hear through the monitor - we don't know what it sounds like out in the church. I have had a numbe of people tell me that I am louder than the other 4 people (including c who is the worship leader). They said it nicely, usually as part of a compliment, but it bugs me because I'm not supposed to be louder. C is, and the rest of us should be the same volume. Plus - I song alto. I am generally singing a harmony. Of someone is going to be louder, at least let it be someone singing the melody! Anyway, I have spoken to the sound guys over and over, and thy insist I'm no louder. But today after church, P's brother said "I'm sure glad you have a really good voice, because you were the only one I coul hear.". He said he couldn't hear anyone else at all. Donna (the woman singing with me today) said that a lot of people have commented to her that I drown out everyone else. She said it needs to be fixed on the sound board because I'm just a stronger singer. But we went on to discuss that I don't blend as well with either her or Vicky (other woman on PT). We just have different kind of voices.

I'm embarrassed about that. It makes it seem like I think it's about me. Plus we just won't sound as good as we can of the blend is off. So I'm going to tell c that it makes no sense for me to be on PT I I'm the only one people can hear. That's not how it's supposed to be. I wanted to take a break anyway, so this is a good excuse. I don't have to sing on PT for tonigjt's deal, and I know I can get Donna to sing in my place on Easter. We're doing another song on Easter which starts out with a solo by me, and I don't want to do it. Donna can do it. She can sing anything, and learn things fast.

I wish I got to play drums more often, but I'm tired of singing. I shouldn't be guilted into staying, especially when it takes a really big time commitment.

Well, I'm going to try to take a nap :). And write Linda another letter for tomorrow, maybe.

Hope your day is going well.

S
Expert:  Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC replied 2 years ago.

It sounds like you may have felt abandoned when you had your reaction after EMDR. Like Linda brought you to that state but did not follow through with taking you out of it. Does that sound accurate? It is perfectly fine that you feel that way. This is not about blaming Linda for what happened. It's about recognizing your feelings. If we can pinpoint why you feel the way you do about what happened, we can better find the source and resolve it.

 

I agree that Linda probably could have reached out to you and tried to refocus you back on where you were instead of letting you stay in the past. It had to be terrifying to feel you were back in the past with no way to move yourself out of it.

 

It can be comforting to know that this will not happen again. You may have flashbacks on your own, but in therapy you will be able to have control over what happens. It's good you decided to avoid EMDR and are staying with regular therapy. It will be much safer, I believe.

 

I like your idea of writing a letter to Linda. It helped a lot last time and therefore it's safe to assume it will help again. If you need help, I'm willing.

 

I suspect that you are exhausted, Shay. I know I've said before that therapy is hard work, but it is. You are digging up 20 years of repressed feelings and facing them for the first time, directly. That in and of itself takes a lot of energy. Then you are coping with nightmares, flashbacks, sleep studies and work. You took a big trip recently to see your parents (lots of new stress there since this is the first time you faced them since therapy) and you dealt with the untimely death of a close friend. I had to take a deep breath just writing all that! Who would not be exhausted doing those things?

 

Your idea of giving up praise team is great. You need time to focus on yourself. And if C tries to keep convincing you, he is only going to end up with one exhausted team member who doesn't really want to be there. You cannot do everything all the time. Something has to give. And with rejoining your old partner at work, you will have your hands full working on that as well. C should understand that, hopefully. Plus, your concern about you being a stronger singer is valid.

 

Good night, Shay! I hope you have another night without bad dreams.

 

Kate

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