Hi Kate. Things went well with LP. We both are in line with our thinking of how we want things to be, but the issue is that we have a big case going, where we represent the different sides. In order for me to rejoin the firm, both of us would have to withdraw from representing our clients, which neither of us want to do. So he suggested an "office sharing" arrangement at first, until that case goes away. I would basically still have my own firm, and run it separately, but would move into his office space. There is a part of the office that is kind of separate, and we sublet it to a realtor, because the office was way too big for us from the start. The realtor wants to retire soon, and had offered to move out of that office and take another space when another lawyer wanted the space (not someone they knew), so LP thinks he would be more than willing to move for me. He is never there anyway. So things would basically remain the same for a while, except my rent would be $1000 cheaper each month. But we are totally on the same page when it comes to the point where I rejoin the firm.
LP avoids conflict at all costs (except in the courtroom), and could care less if everyone is fighting, as long as the work gets done. He ignores personnel issues and infighting and is kind of oblivious, which is why I would always handle that. He wants to keep his associate on, which is fine with me, but I am not moving into a smaller office. I wanted my office back, because it was built for me originally. But we decided that I would just stay in the other office - it is larger and suits my needs. I told LP that was a good resolution, because his associate may already feel threatened when I come back, especially coming back as her boss, and if the first thing I did was take her office, that would make her feel worse. LP said he was going to tell his staff our plans sooner rather than later, so they wouldn't be surprised. (However, I happen to know his whole staff, except the associate attorney, already knows and they are thrilled). But I suggested that before he announce it to everyone else, I think he and the other attorney and I should go out to lunch. I don't know her - I have met her once. But I told Louis he doesn't understand women's reactions. I told him that if it were me, if it were presented in a way in which I felt like I was involved in the plans and decisions, and if it was made clear to me that my job was secure, I would not feel as threatened. So he agreed to do that. I told him I know that he doesn't care if people are unhappy, but I do, and I don't want to start things out by polarizing the office - everyone vs. the other attorney. Because that is how she will feel. So we have some plans now, which is good.
I kept my emotions totally under control during my lunch with him, as I expected. He commented that I looked really tired. I told him I just had a lot of work, which is true.
What I had said in my "lost" post was, basically, from what I remember:
You didn't answer about whether it would be best to take a break from therapy for a while. Should I?
No - Linda knows everything, I think. So why did it suddenly devastate me that she knew all these things?
Are you sure you aren't disgusted? Or disappointed in me? Or something? How could you not be? Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
I forgot to tell you - this morning when I woke up, I ached all over. Even my gums hurt. It's all better now, except a headache which I know is a migraine kind of headache because I had some flashes and intermittent blind spots. But it's just hanging there now. I took some meds, which, unfortunately make me more tired, but I'm hoping they'll stop the headache from getting worse. I think crying makes my head hurt. And apparently my heart.
I am exhausted - not just tired, but I feel as though I just hiked up a mountain. I am totally worn out. Uggh.
I think I will tell Linda I don't want to do EMDR right now. I know she'll be disappointed. She thought it was working, I think, since it obviously led me to some strong emotions. I understand that, and I know it is better if I get to those emotions and process them, but it is too intense. I swear, when I was hearing the voices, I almost felt like I was hovering above myself for a few seconds. I don't like how that feels. Isn't there some in-between thing which is a bit less intense? Of course, right now, I don't want to do anything with her.
If I write down how I am feeling before I go see Linda again (if I do), will you look it over? I can't always express how I'm feeling so that someone else can understand. I can argue a legal point clearly - but not regular feelings and stuff.
I do think that dream this morning was telling, as well, and I kind of interpreted it the same way you did.
I am glad you got good counseling. Did your siblings? Are they okay? Are you okay now? When did you figure out that you were being abused? (I mean, I know you knew when you got hit or humiliated, etc., but when did you figure out it was wrong and they weren't supposed to be doing that to you?) Why didn't anyone intervene? Did your parents keep it pretty hidden? I don't like your parents.