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Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
It sounds like you have gone through a terrible time. Is the person you are talking about related to you or maybe was your partner (boyfriend, husband). Is it possible he was abusive?
I am sorry that you have had to go through such a rough time. It sounds like you gave all of yourself to help your husband and he not only did not acknowledge what you did, he left without caring what happened to you. And now you are stuck with the consequences.
It is easy to see why you feel forgiving your ex husband is very difficult. He hurt you in a lot of ways, many of which you feel you are still paying for.
The key to forgiveness is to remember that forgiveness is for you, not for him. It is a chance for you to let go of what he did and give permission to yourself to move on. When you think about it, you still have your husband in your life. You are reminded on a daily basis of what he did to you and how you have paid the price for his choices. Forgiveness allows you to say that what he did no longer matters. It helps you let go of your anger, which anchors you to him, and says that you are freeing yourself from being tied to him.
Also, forgiveness is not saying that what your ex did was right. Many people feel that when they say they forgive, that pardons the other person from what they did. What forgiving really means is that you let go of the obligation that person has to you. You no longer want to be a part of what they did and you want to move on. That does not mean you want to be their best friend or that suddenly everything is great between you both. You still have the option of keeping that person out of your life. You also don't have to talk to them or deal with them in any way you don't want to. Forgiving is not forgetting. It's simply letting go of the power the other person holds over you through anger, self hatred and the need for revenge.
If you feel you cannot forgive, you may want to try counseling. You can find low cost/ no cost counseling at your local community mental health center. Contact your local county or state government offices for a referral or contact your local United Way. They have information about all of your local resources.
You can also help yourself by working on this at home. There are resources you can use to learn more about forgiveness and how you can work through how you feel. Here are some to help you get started:
Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-By-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope (Apa Lifetools) by Robert D. Enright
Total Forgiveness by R. T. Kendall
Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal Relationships, Let Go of Anger and Blame, Find Peace in Any Situation by Colin C. Tipping
You may also want to talk with your pastor if you attend church. Faith can help you work through your anger and move on.
It sounds like you might be ready to heal. You are asking the right questions that will help you start the journey to peace and loving yourself again.
I hope this has helped you,Kate
I understand. You sound very alone. And I agree that unchaining yourself from him will not change your situation now. It may make your burden a little lighter, but it will not fix what is broken now.
You are not hopeless. You may feel down and at the end of your rope, but you are definitely not hopeless. You just need to find your way back to what you want for yourself.
In your situation, trying counseling first may be your best bet. If I were seeing you as a therapist, my main concern is that you feel you have no way to feel better. This may mean that you have given up hope, a sign of being depressed. Talking out your anger and sadness is a good first step in recovering. And therapy can help you change your thinking so you feel more positive.
Also, if you do have faith, try asking your pastor or staff for help. It's not easy putting it out there that you need others, but you are alone and having others with you can make you feel much better.
You mentioned being disabled but if it is at all possible for you, consider volunteering. I know the concept of giving more when you have nothing seems odd, but you would find that you are the one to benefit from giving. Giving of yourself has proven to lift mood, offer hope and help you find a support system that you would otherwise not have.
Also, learn more about building hope for yourself. Start with a resource like this one:
Growing Hope: Sowing the Seeds of Positive Change in Your Life and the World by Sue Patton Thoele
Just the fact that you wrote today and reached out shows that you have a lot of strength and resolve. Realizing that you need help is most of the battle. Once you reach out, you are on your way.