I am sorry that you have had to go through such a rough time. It sounds like you gave all of yourself to help your husband and he not only did not acknowledge what you did, he left without caring what happened to you. And now you are stuck with the consequences.
It is easy to see why you feel forgiving your ex husband is very difficult. He hurt you in a lot of ways, many of which you feel you are still paying for.
The key to forgiveness is to remember that forgiveness is for you, not for him. It is a chance for you to let go of what he did and give permission to yourself to move on. When you think about it, you still have your husband in your life. You are reminded on a daily basis of what he did to you and how you have paid the price for his choices. Forgiveness allows you to say that what he did no longer matters. It helps you let go of your anger, which anchors you to him, and says that you are freeing yourself from being tied to him.
Also, forgiveness is not saying that what your ex did was right. Many people feel that when they say they forgive, that pardons the other person from what they did. What forgiving really means is that you let go of the obligation that person has to you. You no longer want to be a part of what they did and you want to move on. That does not mean you want to be their best friend or that suddenly everything is great between you both. You still have the option of keeping that person out of your life. You also don't have to talk to them or deal with them in any way you don't want to. Forgiving is not forgetting. It's simply letting go of the power the other person holds over you through anger, self hatred and the need for revenge.
If you feel you cannot forgive, you may want to try counseling. You can find low cost/ no cost counseling at your local community mental health center. Contact your local county or state government offices for a referral or contact your local United Way. They have information about all of your local resources.
You can also help yourself by working on this at home. There are resources you can use to learn more about forgiveness and how you can work through how you feel. Here are some to help you get started:
Forgiveness Is a Choice: A Step-By-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope (Apa Lifetools) by Robert D. Enright
Total Forgiveness by R. T. Kendall
Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal Relationships, Let Go of Anger and Blame, Find Peace in Any Situation by Colin C. Tipping
You may also want to talk with your pastor if you attend church. Faith can help you work through your anger and move on.
It sounds like you might be ready to heal. You are asking the right questions that will help you start the journey to peace and loving yourself again.
I hope this has helped you,