I had a bad dream and woke up and wrote it down. I was concerned focusing on it might make me have another one when I went back to sleep, but it didn't. I woke up a bunch of times, but I didn't have another bad dream. We can look into it next week. I am very glad I don't need to recount them to you verbatim. For a lot of reasons, but one is that it would take a long time.
About the other, it's not like I've not done it before, but I had thought it was wrong, and perhaps unhealthy, and I was always totally dressed and didn't really gain much insight. I actually downloaded a book about it last night, but I didn't start reading it. (of course, I will have to remember not to loan anyone my kindle. That could be very awkward :) ). I'm glad to hear it is normal and maybe I can find out some stuff. I don't know how I feel about talking to my gun about it. I think I will wait and see. But it is a relief to be able to ask someone seriously about it.
You're right. I might not ever have gotten married. It's not like it was in the forefront of my mind even before that happened. At that point, I had not even been close to falling in love. So who knows how things would have played out? And I really would not have liked to marry the wrong person, especially with kids involved. I actually don't know whether I would rather have been in a bad marriage than have gone through what happened. I am guessing that there are lifelong consequences of either, and a least there were no kids even potentially involved in what happened. Plus, having your heart broken really hurts.
My mom actually gave me some very good advice before I move to NM. They thought the move was a bad idea. My friends in OH really didn't want me to move. As the time got closer to go, I almost chickened out. I talked to my mom and told her I didn't think I was going to go. She told me that she thought it was bad idea, but there was some reason I felt like I needed to go, and if I didn't, I would always be wondering and upset I didn't go. (which was probably good advice anyway). But she said that no one decision in life is going to determine whether I have a goo life or bad, happy or not happy. She said I could go to NM and be perfectly happy, and if I stayed, I could be perfectly happy. She said there was no law against moving back. She said I should give it at least a year, if I did go, so I wasn't making a decision based on missing my friends.
I think of that often. She's right. A good, fulfilling life and happiness is not dependent on making the "right" decision at a certain time. And she wasn't coming from a Christian perspective. But what you and I know makes what she says even more true.
And you're right. Maybe I would not have been saved. I believe that I was compelled to move here because I needed to be saved and realize that I had missed the mark. I can tell you fairly certainly if that had not happened to me, I would never have moved to NM. It was not at all the direct reason, but I would not have even been in the position to consider it but for what happened. I still think that God would have made sure I was saved, no matter where I was. But He had a plan.
I don't think what happened ruined my life, when I am looking at it more objectively. But sometimes, as I have been going through this in the past months, I feel like it has. And regardless, I do think I lost a lot. And I realize things I may have lost. It doesn't mean I am totally screwed now. But I feel like I lost something and that the way I have (not) dealt with it made me be closed to certain things which could have been great.
I feel like I'm kind of getting mixed messages. You say that I should get in touch with how I feel about what I lost, but then I feel like you are saying that maybe I didn't lose anything or not to dwell on it? I do see both sides, but I must not be totally understanding.
I'm not trying to be totally negative. But honestly, I feel really negative sometimes. This is hard and it hurts. It is sensitive stuff. And not sleeping
I'm sure makes thing seem worse than they are. Plus, the flashback thibgs and emotions and nightmares are scary. Can I just feel sorry for myself for a few days?
I told p what you said about your kids not only hearing what they did wrong but why. She thought that was really funny, too.
Hope you are having a good morning.