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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2536
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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Hi,
I don't know if this is violence to be afraid of. My husband periodically gets very angry at me. He has not hit me but he pounds on things. It frightens me when he does this -- for example, pounding on a table, or slamming a mouse down and slamming the computer table leaf. He doesn't break things. In the past he has told me (at a time when he was angry) that one day he is going "snap." I asked him if that means he could kill me, and he said he didn't know. When I later told him how I felt afraid of him because of that remark, he said he was angry and didn't mean it. (He didn't directly threaten me.) Today he was angry at me because of an argument we had yesterday and I was sitting on my recliner (like a Lazyboy type chair) and I was resting my feet on the part that lifts the feet up on the chair. He was angry and suddenly kicked the footrest part so that I was sitting upright. He has not done anything like that before. Usually it is pounding. I was shocked because it felt like he had hit me without actually touching me, like a substitute for hitting. I am confused and it is now a whole day since that happened,but I am still feeling very upset about it. I was very upset with him, almost hysterical, crying and yelling at him before he did that. I was thinking that if I am very nice to him then he won't get angry like that, but even if I don't mean anything to offend him he can still get angry. He only gets violently angry when we have a very bad argument. Normally he is a very quiet man. He doesn't yell. He seems to think that pounding is ok because it is his response to being very upset. He said he doesn't know what else to do. He said he has tried walking away, but that doesn't usually work. I know I have followed after him many times. Many times I have to ask him to repeat things because he speaks in a low voice. He works hard and is a good provider. He gives me nice things. I am not afraid of him generally, but worry that if I make him angry enough, he will hit me one day. What is your advice? I am not the perfect person, but I am loving and kind. There are some big strains on our relationship, however, and I nag him a lot. I am very nervous about his job, for example, he goes in attics a lot and underneath homes. I am constantly afraid of his bringing some possible asbestos fibers in the house. I have put a lot of pressure on him as regards XXXXX XXXXX as well as some other things. I try to be nice and show my caring. But he will suddenly get upset. Many days have been ruined for me when I was feeling happy because of a nice time we had together. Then suddenly he will get angry about something and the whole day is ruined for me. Or, he will ruin something that I have been looking forward to by bringing up issues beforehand. Sometimes I bring up an issue and one thing leads to another and the issue becomes much worse than the original issue. If he is angry, he doesn't seem to worry how it will affect me, even if I have something important to do, e.g. one time I went to an important meeting distraught -- I kept begging and pleading with him to support me and not let me go to my meeting upset. Please advise. I may write more later. He will be visiting his family in another part of the world in a few days and I am looking forward to not being with him for a few weeks. One think that he does is refuse to talk to me when he is angry, and I wind up begging and pleading with him to talk to me. I feel very degraded doing this. I keep promising myself that I will not beg and plead, but I always wind up doing this. Usually he will wind up talking after a couple or several hours or maybe the next day. I suffer a lot because of his treatment of me. On the positive side it is nice to go places and do things with him, eat in restaurants and travel occasionally. He has gotten me some nice gifts. He does do some considerate things like make me meals sometimes or go to the store and buy me something special to eat. The emotional part though is very hard to take. I am a very emotional person. We have been married for more than four years. We have known each other about eleven years. I want to add that many times he is angry at me without pounding on things -- he only does this occasionally. Mostly he withdraws communication for a period of time and then I wind up begging and pleading with him. I feel very depressed with this see-saw type relationship. It can be good, then suddenly turn to crap within a few minutes. It happens this way often. I get extremely stressed out over this, and wake up screaming sometimes due to stress. At other times, things are pretty good between us.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

It seems that he is using your fear of his anger to manipulate you into being very compliant.

You should not have to live your life in fear of his anger, and unless you give him reason to change, life will just go on as it is.

I suggest that you should tell him that you are not prepared to go on in this way, and that if the relationship is to continue, he must seek professional help in dealing with his anger.

Let him read the following notes so that he understands what is going on.

Anger and How to Manage It.

Every day, we experience a whole range of emotions, and we can all remember times when we have been annoyed, irritated, angry or downright enraged!

The biological basis for anger can be found in the well known ‘fight or flight’ response, and a common trigger for anger is feeling endangered. This danger does not need to be physical – the threat may well be to our dignity, belief system or self esteem, but the end product is the same.

It used to be thought that venting our anger on an inanimate object was an acceptable way of dealing with it, but while that may be cathartic, and give a temporary sense of satisfaction, it can also lead to broken windows, holes in walls and other unwanted problems! More importantly, it does not help the individual to manage anger effectively in the future.

Anger produces considerable physiological change – our heart rate and blood pressure increase, and there is a sudden release of hormones, particularly

adrenaline and noradrenaline. Triggers for anger can be internal or external – remembering a missed appointment, getting stuck in a traffic jam or a tradesman not turning up.

While anger is our natural response to threat, it in turn triggers very powerful emotions and often, aggressive feelings and behaviour. Anger is to some degree necessary for our survival, but inappropriate or excessive anger can be literally life-threatening, either our own or someone else’s.

Social convention (and indeed the law) usually inhibits us from lashing out at the person or object that enrages us, but sadly, this is not always the case. Some of us are more prone to anger than others. The more obvious ones may scream and shout, but I’m sure we all know others that are chronically grumpy, irritable, withdrawn and sulky.

The goals of anger management are learning to control our reactions to situations and events, to recognize our own particular anger triggers at an early stage and in the end, to minimize the negative emotional responses and physiological arousal that anger engenders.

People who are easily angered often have a low tolerance of frustration of any type. They often feel that they should never be inconvenienced or subjected to experiences that annoy them, and are often incapable of seeing at situation from another viewpoint. There is evidence that some children are born with a low frustration tolerance, so some of us may have a genetic tendency towards anger.

Often children are often taught not to express their anger, and this can become an ingrained habit, with unwanted consequences. When emotions are simply suppressed, we do not learn to deal with them or channel them in a constructive way.

Even something as apparently negative as anger can be put to good use, or at least, managed safely.

Previously, we looked at the some of the problems that arise if we do not manage anger effectively. Poor health, failed relationships and problems in the workplace are all common consequences of anger which has got out of control, so let’s see what we can do about it.

We need to recognize, though, that anger is a perfectly natural feeling. If you experience anger, you are not weak, nor have you failed in some way.

When you recognize this, you are well on the way to learning to manage your anger, or even to turn it to your advantage.

If you are prone to anger, it is useful to examine those angry feelings, to understand what it is that makes you in particular angry. Keeping a note or a diary of times, situations and places which have affected you badly is a good guide.

There are several ways in which anger can be dealt with effectively – by acknowledging it, expressing it appropriately, and by self-calming measures.

By far the best way of dealing with our anger is to express it. This does not mean shouting and screaming, being rude and aggressive. It really means recognizing our feelings, acknowledging them, communicating them and perhaps by being assertive.

The essential elements in doing this effectively are respect and communication.

In angry situations, it is a great help to try to be respectful, not just of the other people involved, but especially of ourselves. After all, whose body are we hurting most when we work ourselves up to screaming pitch?

On the communication front, taking the time to clearly express what we are feeling does two thing for us – it explains our needs, and leaves the other party in no doubt about how we feel and expect to be treated.

For this to work, instill a sense of calm in yourself at an early stage. Breathe deeply and use calming imagery, making sure that your internal self talk is calming and not inflaming the situation. Control the pitch, volume and speed of your words. Low and slow are ideal ways to keep your anger under control.

Always, when you feel anger coming on, do a reality check. Try to keep in mind what you really want out of the situation, and direct your efforts towards that end. Remember, if you blow up, you’ll probably lose out!

Next we’ll consider how cognitive restructuring can make all the difference to your experience of life, taking away a lot of the un-necessary stress and yes, anger.

Cognitive restructuring is an excellent way of dealing with anger. It simply means changing your behaviour and feelings by changing your inner thoughts

When you are angry, things can become exaggerated and blown out of proportion. In the heat of the moment, it might seem that ‘Its awful, everything’s ruined, I might as well give up, get a divorce, move back to the UK” and so on.

However, if you take a mental step back and review the situation calmly, you’ll find that it is possible to acknowledge that ‘It’s a setback, but I can deal with it.”

By doing this, you are actively reprogramming your mind to look for solutions rather than dwelling on disaster. This prevents anger from escalating and becoming totally irrational.

It’s very useful to be able to identify and accept when you are getting angry, because doing so can give you a breathing space during which you can begin to put some defenses into place.

Angry people tend to demand fairness (as defined by them!), appreciation and agreement, and have a need for things to go their way. The real world, however, does not operate to meet with our desires. When we learn to accept this, we get less angry.

Angry people also tend to indulge in all or nothing thinking, such as “I must do this ‘ or ‘I never get things right’ – this simply fuels anger. Likewise, they are prone to jumping to conclusions – ‘I know what she’s thinking’- without actually looking at the evidence. All of these thought processes are anger generators, and yet, they are completely under our control. Learn to adapt them to serve you rather than to hinder you.

Other common anger generating thought patterns are ‘He must not talk to me like that’, ‘How dare she look away when I’m talking to her’

‘I should tell him where to get off !’ ‘This shouldn’t happen in a fair world.’

‘This is awful –I can’t stand it!’

Any one of these scenarios almost inevitably leads to anger, either expressed explosively at once, or left to simmer internally.

However, let’s pause and look at them for a minute – “He must not talk to me like that!” Is there a universal law which says he must not? Is he not free to express himself that way?

Try to remember that there are few, if any, absolutes.

Humor, of course helps to dispel anger. If some one is really getting to you, imagine them as a cartoon character perhaps, or a baby wearing a nappy. You’ll probably find that you start to smile, and that in itself is a great defense against anger. One of our clients used to imagine his boss sitting in a corner wearing a dunce’s cap. It worked for him!

Try to avoid situations – and people – that you know might start you feeling angry. It’s not always possible, but at worst, you can learn to change the way you think – trying to be more flexible, less demanding and more rational. It’s hardly ever the reality of what is happening to is that pushes us into anger, but rather our responses to them.


Secondly, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies. It ties in very well with what I perceive to be your anger management, self image and interpersonal problems. It really could turn your life around.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Also, I’d like to offer some practical tips you can use to great effect:-

Get to know what situations trigger your anger and avoid them.


In any discussion, stay completely focused upon the end result you want, and do or say nothing that will get in the way of it.

At work, make sure that as far as possible you are delegating sufficiently, and whatever your day involves, that you make sure that you make adequate time for each thing.

Use lists - that way tasks don't get forgotten, and that sort of stress is removed from your life.

When you are dealing with people, make a distinct effort to speak more slowly and less loudly than normal. Keep the pitch and temperature down

Avoid generalities like " You are always xxxxxxxxxx" Generalities make people feel abused. Sitck to identifiable facts. Be as objective as possible, always.

Don’t get into the 'blame game'. Try to be solution oriented, rather than blame oriented.

These are basically the guidelines he should follow.

Best wishes, Norman.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi,
Thank you for the information for him, but you did not address my situation.
Thanks,
Bernadette
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
What did I miss that you needed to know?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
What I need to do. You sent me some great information that he might or might not read -- which I do not think he will read, but what do I do for myself? Am I in danger? Should i think about leaving him, etc.?
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
First you have to decide whether or not you can live with this or not. If you cannot, then basically you have two choices - either try to get him to change, or to get out of the relationship.

It is really impossible to say if you are in immediate danger. Up until now, he has not hit you, but that could change at any time.

We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. Like a child, your husband is going to have to learn to accept boundaries, and you have to give him reason to change

Here is the clue to sorting things out. When you are faced with non-co-operation – give him choices, and make sure he understands the consequences of his choice – and always follow through.

Your husband needs to be confronted with unacceptability of his behavior, and made to understand while you care for him, his behaviour towards you is unacceptable and has to change. Make that very clear to him.

He also needs to understand that any continuation of offensive or dismissive behavior will have unpleasant consequences. They need to be spelled out to him very clearly, with clear emphasis on the fact that they will apply immediately. These could be, for example, from no more cooking or washing done, or if he does not change his ways, the relationship is over.

Make it crystal clear to him what you expect –no demeaning remarks, controlling his temper.

This may sound harsh, but unless he is given a reason to change, he will not. By being soft, you are just encouraging his behaviour, and not helping him at all.

Stay calm, remain objective and avoid drama, but stick to your guns. NEVER scream or shout – always keep focused on what you want out of a discussion and remember if you resort to screaming and shouting, you’ve lost the argument.

Also, I’d recommend a short course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy BEFORE you make a final decision, to help yo to ensure that you are seeing the situation as clearly and objectively as possible, so that you can make a good decision.

CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.

These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.

If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.

Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.

Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.

Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.

Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfoforall/treatments/cbt.aspx

If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:

http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/cbtstep1.htm

Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Norman,
Thanks for your detailed reply. I appreciate it. I have a clarification question, please.
My husband gets very angry if he perceives me as treating him like a child; therefore, won't my giving him consequences for things cause him to perceive me as treating him like a child, thus resulting in more violent anger?
Thanks,
Bernadette
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.
Well Bernadette, try to do it in such a way that he feels treated like an adult, by saying things like "Please understand that your anger frightens me so much that I need you to try to change. I'm not prepared to live my life in fear, and for that reason, this is what I am going to do."

"I want you to read this article I've found, as a very first step, and then to get the help that we BOTH need if we are to have a good life together."

"If you cannot or will not do that, I have to think our whole relationship"

By staying very calm and factual, keeping the language mature and blame free gives him the best chance of accepting this without exploding..
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Hi Norman,
This is excellent information. Thanks.
I have another question, if you don't mind:

What about when he cuts me off for long periods of time, refusing to talk to me? Usually, during those times he will be looking at things on his computer and only partly listening to what I am saying, maybe not even listening to me at all. This happens often. I feel completely disrespected when he does that. I usually wind up begging and pleading and crying for him to talk to me and to give me his full attention. It is only after maybe hours or a day or two that he will finally talk. It is a huge effort on my part and very stressful. I keep telling myself that I will not get into doing that anymore, but I get so frustrated, I keep falling back into that degrading behavior, then I feel very badly about myself afterwards.

Thanks for your help. After you answer this question, I will be glad to press the Accept button.
Bernadette
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

Stop begging!!

I'd like you to use this tool –

This Bill of Rights was one of the tools used by Virginia Satir, a well-known family therapist. Containing some really basic psychological rights belonging to every person, it really helps to identify and deal with areas in which we have problems.

Read the statements. Note down any immediate thoughts or feelings that come to you and analyse them later.

Look at yourself in a mirror and read it out loud to yourself. Listen to your voice grow in strength and volume so that you can really start to feel it inside. In the beginning, you may feel silly or embarrassed. You may hear the inner voice say, "That's not the truth". Just hang in there and keep doing it - you'll notice the change within six weeks, if you do it regularly.

1. I do not have to feel guilty just because someone else does not like what I

do, say, think or feel.

2. It is OK for me to feel angry and to express it in responsible ways.

3. I do not have to assume full responsibility for making decisions, particularly where others share responsibility for making the decisions.

4. I have the right to say "I don't understand" without feeling stupid or guilty.

5. I have the right to say NO.

6. I have the right to say No without feeling guilty.

7. I do not have to apologize or give reasons when I say NO.

8. I have the right to refuse requests which others make of me.

9. I have the right to tell others when I think they are manipulating, conning, or treating me unfairly.

10. I have the right to refuse additional responsibilities without feeling guilty.

11. I have a right to tell others when their behaviour annoys me.

12. I do not have to compromise my personal integrity.

13. I have a right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. I have a right to be wrong.

14. I do not have to be liked, admired, or respected by everyone for everything I do.


Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2536
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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