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Norman M.
Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2567
Experience:  ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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Im wondering if I should ask my husband to move out. We were

Resolved Question:

I'm wondering if I should ask my husband to move out. We were married before, he left me for another woman, we divorced. Two years later she left him and we got together again. We've been married 2 years now. He likes secrets and is possessive of his phone. He takes it into the bathroom with him at times. He does not have male friends (never has in the 20+ years I've known him) and texts several woman, one of whom is the woman he left me for. I don't want him to give up his friends, but I don't like feeling like a jealous bitch either. We have talked about this and tried marriage counseling, but I wonder if he just needs me for a place to live. He has 3 credit card payments every month and doesn't make much $$. He also is not very interested in sex and is happy with once a month. I would like it more than that and he is not very receptive to any of my ideas. He is 59 and I am 65.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Norman M. replied 2 years ago.

I think that you have to consider whether or not his behavior is so offensive to you that tou feel you would be better off apart. If that is the case, the answer is clear, but if not, you may try to get him to change his ways.

There are a few issues here that need to be approached.

The first of these is communication - in order for things to improve, your husband needs to understand with total clarity what his behavior is causing you to feel. No gentle hints here - right on the chin. It must NOT be done in an aggressive way, but firmly, and not in a blaming way. It's important to separate the behavior from the person. Make sure he understands that while you love him, his lack of affection and texting other women are very hurtful, and in fact, are not going to be tolerated. Make it clear to him that if the relationship is going to continue at all, he is going to have to change.

We humans only indulge in behaviour that brings reward of some kind. Only when that reward (whatever it might be) disappears, or the consequences of our behaviour promise to be unpleasant do we consider changing what we do. Therefore, you have to give him reason to change

Here is the clue to sorting things out. When you are faced with non-co-operation – give him choices, and make sure he understands the consequences of his choice – and always follow through.

I think you also need to make it very clear, and commit yourself to this, that in talking over your mutual problems, you will not let the discussion deteriorate into a blame and accusation session – that is vitally important. It is equally important that he understands why you need to talk, and that what you want is a good relationship, not just to hash over your differences.

Stay calm, remain objective and avoid drama, but stick to your guns.

Best wishes,

NormanM

Norman M., Principal psychotherapist in private practice. Newspaper contributor, over 2000 satisfied clients on JA
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 2567
Experience: ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), ECP, UKCP Registered.
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