Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online
Welcome, I'm a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to chat with you for a few moments to better understand your question.
Do you have a few minutes to chat right now?
Well to start off with, I think that the root causes of jealousy can be very different for different people and in different situations....
Is there a specific instance of jealousy that you're referring too?
sorry referring to?
I am in a relationship with a 76 year old woman and it is very good. We met at a dance and what gets me is that she frequently talks about other men she has danced with. And it seems to hurt me to hear about other men. I am considering confronting her about it the next time she starts talking about someone she has danced with.
Oh. I'm very sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. That kind of jealousy is actually considered very normal and healthy. The best modern relationship science has basically proven that as human beings we are designed to be in close and emotionally healthy relationships with a significant other....
Are you in a committed relationship together (i.e. boyfriend/girlfriend)?
Are you still here in chat?
Yes. We are in a committed relationship.
What is your couple-communication like? Are you able to talk about your deeper feelings and relationship needs together?
I would say we are probably average in that area.
Ok well, it's often most helpful for couples to talk about their feelings clearly and directly. The challenge with jealousy, is that it can often cause people to feel anxious or even angry. It's very important to talk about the feelings of love, fear of losing the other person and the perfectly normal need to come before any other person (man in this case) in her life.
Do you both enjoy reading books?
Well when I've worked with couples in my private practice as a counselor, I've often recommended one the best books on effective couples communication. It's by the world's leading relationship exert and couples therapist Dr. Sue Johnson. The book is very easy and enjoyable to read. I've read it with my wife. It actually guides the couple through a conversation about their feelings and relationship needs. There are some questions at the end of each short chapter....
Because the book is considered one of the best in the couples counseling world you can usually find it in your local library or get it online from amazon.com at a low price. Let me get you a couple of helpful links about the book and it's approach to couples communication. I think reading the book together or even on your own to start will really help you to develop an effective and helpful way of expressing your emotional needs to your partner around feeling jealous.
Back in a moment...
Ok. Here is a short video link by the author of the book Dr. Sue Johnson is considered one of, if not the best couples counselors and researchers in the world right now.
You can click on this link to see the short video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrKME6y2ZOM
The book is based on a the author's counseling method called EFT or emotionally focused therapy for couples. Here is a brief explanation of how EFT works: http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=47&Itemid=79
The reason why I'm recommending the book to you both is because one of the best predictors of relationship success and happiness is when both partners have good communication skills. Reading the book together as a way of strengthening your relationship will literally put you both on the same page as far as talking about and understanding your emotions goes. When you answer the questions together, they are structured in a way that you're sense of healthy "jealousy" will naturally come up, but in a way that is emotionally safe and constructive.
What are your thoughts so far?
Sounds good to me. I would like to get that book.
Ok. Well as I mentioned earlier you can check your local library. Many libraries carry the book so you can get a copy for free. Another option would be to order it online. Let me get you a link:
There a number of copies for sale here at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_18?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=hold+me+tight+sue+johnson&sprefix=hold+me+tight+sue+%2Caps%2C264
Some copies are as low as $12.
I just ordered the book.
Have I answered your question ok today? Is there anything else you'd like to add or ask around your presenting question here today?
I'm satisfied with the session.
Thank you. I sure hope that it's been helpful to you.
Please don't forget to press the green "Accept" button so that I am recognized and paid for my time working with you today.
I wish you and your partner the very best! Take care.