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David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
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Not sure if I should leave my husband. Some of my friend think

Resolved Question:

Not sure if I should leave my husband. Some of my friend think I should. My Dad definitely does, never liked him, refused to meet him. I know I feel much better off if I do, but I can't and I don't know why.
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 4 years ago.

DuddyH :

Welcome, I'm a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to chat with you for a few moments to better understand your question.

Customer:

Not sure if you got my last message, PC playing up, but I am ready to chat now. Sorry about that!

Customer:

Hi, are you there?

DuddyH :

Yes sorry, I was working on another project as you were showing as offline.

DuddyH :

You show as offline right now. but you should get an e-mail alerting you to my return to chat. I'll wait a few minutes to see if you come back.

DuddyH :

Well you are still offline here and I didn't get an e-mail response that you had returned to the chat screen last time.

DuddyH :

I'll continue to check back every 5-10 minutes to see if you've returned. If you return and I'm not in chat, please leave a time that would be most convenient for you to chat over then next couple of hours so I can meet with you at that time.

DuddyH :

Checking in again....

DuddyH :

Thought I'd check back again...

Customer:

Hi there,

Customer:

No problem, I am available to chat from 9am till 5pm UK time.

Customer:

Hope this helps.

Customer:

If it helps, you could send me some questions and I can answer them in the meantime

DuddyH :

Ok great. Thank you. Here are some questions:

DuddyH :

1. What are the top 1-3 relationship problems you guys are having right now (between you and your husband)?

DuddyH :

2. Would you mind telling more about the counseling you attended? For example, what kind of counseling and what kind of counselor (i.e. counselor, psychologist etc) how many sessions did you attend?

DuddyH :

3. You mentioned the word "unfaithful" in the "Already Tried" section of your question. Would you mind elaborating on that?

DuddyH :

4. What would your husband say are the top 1-3 relationship problems between you right now?

DuddyH :

5. What do you need most from your husband right now that he is not giving you?

DuddyH :

6. What do you think your husband needs right now from you in the relationship that he is not getting?

DuddyH :

7. What is your couples-communication like?

DuddyH :

I'll check back for your responses a bit later. I may have a few more questions based on your responses and then I'll provide an answer to your question.

DuddyH :

Thank you so much for your patience given the current site glitches.

Customer:

Don't worry, and sorry for taking so long to come back to you!

Customer:

1. We are not a husband and wife team, he decides on what happens. Communication, try and discuss something and it always ends in an argument.

Customer:

2. It was a marriage counselor from a UK Organisation called Relate. There were four sessions in total, the first was together to give a summary on the problems we are having. The next sessions were individual, and then the final one was with me again as I felt very uncomfortable with the individual session. Never had any more after that. I was told to get myself happy, but if we needed to come back then get back in touch.

Customer:

3. About a year ago, I had a phone call from my "best friend" saying she had just seen my husband kissing his ex-wife. When I confronted him and he admitted it, he said that our marriage wasn't working and I should move out. However, this did change to "we will have a break and see what happens" but I moved out. Then about a month later, he admits to me that he had slept with my "best friend", twice, when I moved out. It was also this same "best friend" who claimed my husband was having an affair with someone he worked with, news she delivered on Christmas Eve 2010 (and after four months of marriage). Since this has all happened, I just don't know what to believe anymore.

Customer:

4. I don't know how to argue, that my Dad is the problem and I never stop nagging.

Customer:

5. I want to feel I matter, that I am number one in his life and that I come first, before work, before his kids, and his mum and her family. I feel like I am continually at the back of the queue, my opinion is not sort. I am just expected to slot into any decision he makes. We are not a husband and wife, I just felt a lodger in my own home. He said that we should lead our own lives, and he thought by saying I love you everday would keep me happy. Doesn't understand that deeds and not words mean far more. I would rather him respect me than say I love you.

Customer:

6. Sex and feeling loved, but when you don't feel wanted, appreciated, respected, you don't give it back. All I wanted was to be with my husband and he was never there, especially at times when it mattered.

Customer:

7. Rubbish, argue all the time. I try and discuss something and he would just loose his temper. I was really scared, but now I am getting better, if you can call it that. If he starts having a go, I just walk off now, rather than sit there and cry.

Customer:

Hope this helps, and once again sorry for the delay.

DuddyH :

No problem. I'll read over your responses and provide an answer shortly. Thanks for taking the time to respond.

Customer:

My pleasure

DuddyH :

I'd like to start by saying that I am very sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. Second, I have to be clear that as experts at JustAnswer.com we are not permitted to provide counseling or any type of formal assessment. What I can do is share some of my insight from having worked with many emotionally distressed couples and what I've learned about, studying evidence based marital therapy and the best relationship science:


 


1) First off, the basic needs to come first with our partner and feel emotionally safe and deeply connected are some of the most healthy and normal of relationship needs. A strong and emotionally healthy marriage is most often based on both partners having these needs heard and met reciprocally.


 


2) When there’s been emotional and or sexual infidelity, those basic relationship needs (“attachment needs”) to be loved, to feel deep trust and connection, can be damaged. According to the best available marital therapy research, these “emotional injuries” can be repaired. Even the most deeply distressed or conflicted couples can build or re-build a loving connection that was even stronger than before, even though many partner’s believe that it’s not possible.


 


In fact there is an evidence-based (science-proven) form of marital therapy called EFT or emotionally focused therapy for couples, that gets lasting results through teaching couples to communicate emotionally in a way that enables deep, precision emotional repair. In EFT one of the most important factors is creating a trusting and comfortable relationship between the therapist and both partners. EFT therapy prioritizes this positive trusting therapeutic relationship before moving into the emotional communication and repair process.


 


Sometimes when one or both partners have their attachment or love-needs frustrated, they can experience reactive fear, anger and/or sadness. EFT focuses couples to identify and express the emotional needs underneath the frustration or anger.


 


3) I am not an EFT therapist but I have referred several clients from my private practice, with only the best results. I would suggest that you and your partner explore and consider EFT therapy.


 


The founder of EFT Dr. Sue Johnston wrote a marital self-help book called “Hold me Tight” back in 2008. It’s easy to read and has questions for couples to ask themselves and talk about at the end of each chapter.


 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrKME6y2ZOM


 


http://www.holdmetight.com/


 


I recommend that both you and your partner read this book either together through a week’s worth of specially planned date nights with no distractions (an hour or so each) (or) Alternatively, you could take turns reading the book separately, as a way of getting on the same page in terms of this new way of effective couples communication. Like many couples, you may decide to follow up with attending EFT therapy in your area. If safety is an issue, you may want to read the book separately and/or wait to work with a trained therapist.


 


Here’s a find a therapist page and a brief outline of how EFT works and the EFT therapy research. If you do decide to attend EFT and you can’t find a therapist in your area. I would contact the head office in Ottawa Canada by phone or e-mail as there are many therapists being trained each year around the world and sometimes they don’t get listed on the find a therapist page :


 


What is EFT?: http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=47:what-is-eft&catid=34&Itemid=79


 


Therapy Research Summary:


http://www.iceeft.com/EFTResearch.pdf


 


Find a Therapist:


http://www.iceeft.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=59&Itemid=54


 


 


I sure hope you find my answer helpful. Please let me know what you think.


 

Customer:

Thank you for all the information on EFT, I found this to be very useful.

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