I am glad to be here for you, Shay. What you are doing through is difficult and overwhelming. And it's great that you have surrounded yourself with people like Linda, Dr. M and P to be there for you. It may be a good time to lean heavily on those around you.
I think your nightmares and flashbacks are accentuating the humiliating parts of your attack because of how you feel about it. There is a part of you that keeps intellectualizing your actions in the attack. You have thought it through and determined that the mean one convinced you to willingly give yourself in the attack. No matter what is said to you or the arguments against that, you are determined to believe the facts as you see them. So your mind keeps bringing you back again and again. You are locked in a "blame" box that your mind can't accept.
If you look at the attack in an intellectual and emotional way, you can see how this was not your fault at all, even if you decided to give in:
1. You did not want to be hurt. No matter if you listened to the mean one and did everything he said, you still would have chose to leave that situation if you were allowed. That says that you did not do any of those things willingly, no matter how much you want to believe that you did.
2. You were faced with a life and death situation. At the time, you had no idea if you would live or not. Self preservation is strong. You will do anything to live. And you did. And if that took cooperating, then that is what it took. You do not blame a child abuse victim for trying to reason with the parents that are hurting her and following all the dysfunctional rules they set for her to avoid abuse, right? Why would you blame yourself for doing what the mean one said so you could survive?
3. Emotionally, you were being severely traumatized. You were in survival mode. You cooperated because you felt it would increase your chances of survival. You did not willingly give yourself to the mean one. You did what was needed to survive. If that took cooperating, then that is what was needed. That is why you are strong and smart.
4. Yes, this cost you. Every trauma cost the survivor something. That is why it's a trauma. Being angry, hurt, sad and full of rage at what it cost you is normal. And being angry that the mean one took a huge payment from you is also very normal. But instead you turn the anger on yourself. That could by why you are stuck.
5. You can mourn what you lost in the attack. But in order to do that, you need to see that the cost of the attack was not your fault. Blaming yourself is part of a trauma, yes. But letting go of that is part of the healing process.
The attackers did not gain from what they did. They are mentally ill. They did it because they either are sociopaths or they are so deeply hurt themselves that the only way for them to deal with their pain is to hurt someone else. Yes, they took that from you. But look at it this way, a child who is abused can let the abuse define her or she can take what she can from what happened and become stronger. You can do the same.