I completely get that. While I doubt he will be completely unscathed (unless he's a psychopath!), I understand that he is suffering far fewer consequences in the short run....and at times like this its hard to think of the long run. However, I think for things to balance out, that's what needs to happen. In the long run you will have talked things out with your wife (for better or worse) and you will have a strong foundation built on trust. This man won't. You will have known that you can do everything possible to work on your relationship. This guy won't know the first thing about it.
Speaking as a woman, I have faith that in 20 years, you will be a happy, attached guy with family and other great things going on. This guy will be the one 65-year-old at the bar trying to hit on college students. Karma may take a while, but I have a feeling its worth waiting for.
I don't think you're being stubborn. It's natural to feel what you're feeling - and in the end, its your decision, of course.
However, let me share something with you quick (which I generally don't do, but what the heck)
When I was younger I was in a serious live-in relationship with someone I considered the love of my life. It was going in the direction of marriage and we had been together for 7 years. Eventually I found out he was cheating on me with a previous neighbor that we had. She was married. I was so angry that I ended up calling her. We ended up talking for a while and during the discussion I realized that while I had had time to ramp up and prepare for the confrontation, she was caught completely off guard. She didn't have time to think and it was clear that she was terrified. Terrified of what I might do to her physically, emotionally, and otherwise. While I had anticipated feeling powerful, what I actually felt was very different. I felt pity. In that moment she was begging and was utterly pitiful. What I also realized is that I was directing my anger at the "safe" target. While she had wronged me by proxy, I didn't know her. She was a virtual stranger. My real rage stemmed from a relationship much closer to home.
So after the call I had even more feelings to deal with - one of them being remorse for confronting the wrong person. I certainly fantasized about getting revenge, but in the moment it just felt...wrong. While I don't regret many things in my life, that is definitely one of them.
I know you'll make the decision that's right for you, whatever that is. I guess I just wouldn't have felt right if I didn't share.
Thanks and the best of luck to you,
Isn't that always the way? When nobody knows we're taking the high road, it makes it a lot harder to do, for sure. And, the other thing that hurts so much is that you want some recognition from your wife that you are being supremely nice about this - forgiving and kind. While I'm sure she understands that, there probably isn't much she could say that could rise to the level of what you're doing. You're, quite simply, the better person in all this. While knowing that doesn't quell the emotions, it does make a difference.
By the way, if you do decide to confront this knucklehead - be careful!