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Brad The Therapist
Brad The Therapist, LCPC
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 549
Experience:  10 years of experience in working with youth and adults
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Every time I find a good relationship i destroy it. My last

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Every time I find a good relationship i destroy it. My last relationship was potentially very good. I initially spoiled it with jealousy issues. The foundation of which I recognise were groundless, but my expression of my jealous feelings even freaks me out. I get very emotionally cold and detached and dissect the persons shortcomings until i make them feel as bad as possible, and then i try to win them back. I also issued threats, not physical threats or threats to physical well being, but threats to mental well, being, eg: i told her that a i would highlight an indiscreet sexual encounter she had with a work colleague to her boss and wreck her career. I had no intention of carrying this through at all but i told her i did. The relationship is now over at her instigation and I realise why. But i can't let go and fear that i will obsess. i feel horrible for the damage I've caused to her because she deserved none of it. I'm also scared for myself because i don't want to do this again. I'm confused because i know what i do, but i dont know why, and i dont seem to be able to stop it. Please help
Submitted: 4 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 4 years ago.

Brad The Therapist :

Thank you for your post. Before providing suggestions, I have a few questions for your. What is relationship like with other people, such as parents, siblings, etc? When did you first notice this issue?

Customer:

I am an only child. My relationships with my parents are complicated, certainly not the best, XXXXX XXXXX not the kind of relationship I see others having with their parents and would like to have. I find forming attachments with friends very difficult. We moved around a lot when i was a kid and i was always having to re-socialise

Customer:

I first obsessed about someone when I was about 17...a crush I suppose. It is only in the past 3 years or so where I have been finding it fairly easy to start a relationship, but find it difficult to keep it and when it's over I can't move on. I feel like I have to make some kind of amends. I know these people have moved on and would rather i did too, but i find that step difficult. Don't get me wrong, i don't hassle or harass people this is just stuff that goes round in my head. But I desperately want to let go of my last relationship because I fear i will damage myself emotionally if I can't

Brad The Therapist :

I am experiencing technical difficulties...I will be switching to the Q&A format.... Please press the refresh button on your web browser for us to continue our session. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Ok...I've pressed refresh...
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for your response. Please tell me more about your relationship with your parents. I know your question is regarding getting over relationships, but there is a theory in psychology that there is a pattern on humans relating to people. As humans, our first relationship are with our parents, thus that is why I am asking this question.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
I can't see an answer other than that youre having tech difficulties!
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 4 years ago.
For some reason, you are not seeing my replies....

Here is what I have written:

Thank you for your response. Please tell me more about your relationship with your parents. I know your question is regarding getting over relationships, but there is a theory in psychology that there is a pattern on humans relating to people. As humans, our first relationship are with our parents, thus that is why I am asking this question.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Ok....i was a gifted child academically. my parents were not built to cope with this. they provided as much as they could but they kind of put me on a pedestal in terms of my academic achievement. They thought i could cope with things through intelligence alone. they also provided support as much as they could in their own way. My dad always used to refer to me as his best friend. But i realised that this was only the case if i took an interest in him. Example....i was good at sport. My dad hates sport so never came to watch me. If i liked it, my dad didnt. And he wouldnt swallow and be there for me to show support. My mum was better in my younger years in that sense. However, there was noticeable strain in my parents relationship. my mum was secretive and racked up a lot of debt that my dad had to get her out of. then she walked out on my dad when i was 24...dad was devastated and i was his sole support. as far as my relationship with my mum, she then totally disappeared for 2 years...heard nothing from her at all. Then she appeared and wanted everything to be ok, even though she wouldnt tell me where she'd been, who with, why, and why she felt she couldnt contact me. My relationship with her has been strained at best since
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 4 years ago.
Thank you for your response. the unresolved relationship with your mother may be affecting the way you relate to women. What your mother did is confusing and the strained relationship you have with your mother is affecting the way you relate to your significant others. What your mother did "rattled" your core. The only way to resolve this is by going to individual therapy. You are scared of emotional intimacy...that is why you have a tendency to sabotage your relationships. You are trying to resolve your relationship with your mother through your other relationships. The only way to resolve this is by resolving your relationship with your mother. If you feel what she did was unforgivable, you still can resolve this relationship with a therapist.
A suggestion I have for you in the mean time is to write a draft letter to your mother expressing all of your thoughts and feelings she has put you through. The hurt she caused you and your father, and the upset feeling you have about her not telling you what happened. After you write this letter, continue to edit this letter and you have a choice of either giving it to your mother or to destroy the letter. If you feel your mother will have a favorable response to your letter, then I suggest you to give it to her. If you feel that you can't give it to her, destroying it may help you move forward.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
At the moment I feel it is unforgiveable. Do I need to forgive? And will I be able to do anything to stop this transference of fellings, as it seems to be very self destructive, and hence I hurt other people which i can't allow to happen again.
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 4 years ago.
You do not necessarily need to forgive your mother. Individual therapy will help you stop the transference of feelings as you will work through your transference with your therapist....hence getting better.

When looking for a therapist, please be sure you find a therapist that follows a psychodynamic theoretical orientation.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Ok...one last thing please Brad....how can i cope right now and in the immediate short term with the issue of feeling a need to make something right with the girl that I've just split with. She has told me that she doesnt want me in her life. One part of me accepts this and even agrees. Another part needs to try and make things right, but i make these silly threats that i would never carry out when i don't get an answer I like. its immature and frankly worries the crap out of me that i act worse than a child in this situation
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 4 years ago.
For your previous relationship, I suggest you writing a letter to her as well, apologizing for whatever you feel you need to apologize, express your thoughts and feelings, and wish her the best. Writing a letter will allow you express your thoughts and feelings without sharing all your details of your struggles with your mother.
Customer: replied 4 years ago.
Think its beyond that. I dont think she cares about hearing what i have to say. But thanks. no need to reply...i'll press the pay button. Thanks Brad the therapist
Expert:  Brad The Therapist replied 4 years ago.
You are very welcome. I wish you all the best!
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