How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask David Akiva Your Own Question

David Akiva
David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience:  Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
57833540
Type Your Mental Health Question Here...
David Akiva is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

My husband is always finding the way to looh at women naked

Resolved Question:

My husband is always finding the way to looh at women naked pictures.In the bigining were magazinescoming to the house or bought at the airport.Also alot of online porn.We have had a lot of issues because of this.We work together and I found websites with naked pictures in his history and favorites.I am sick and tired.Help!!
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.

DuddyH :

Welcome, I'm a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to chat with you for a few moments to better understand your question.

DuddyH :

Do you have a few moments right now?

DuddyH :

...

DuddyH :

I'll check back a bit later for your response as you don't seem to be responding.

DuddyH :

I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. To provide you with a strong practical answer I really do need a strong practical question. What do you mean more specifically when you say "Help"?

Customer:

Hi and Thank you.When I say help! I meanI can' t find the way for him to sop doing thisand I need advice.

Customer:

are u there??

Customer:

hi

DuddyH :

Yes I'm back now.

DuddyH :

Does he want to stop? Does he see how the behavior you describe is hurting you and your marriage?

Customer:

Yeah so What do you need to know?

Customer:

well First of all he thing all this is nothing.I already descibed my feelings...Do you think I am crazy?Tell me please

DuddyH :

I don't think you are crazy.

Customer:

He has lied so much in the past.He stopped the magazines( at list they don't come home anymore..and I thought everything was better until yest when I found those websites and pictures on the his computer and for the record It wasn't a one time thing.Everyday shows those websites in his history

DuddyH :

But I would like to get a clearer understanding of the problem. For example, if there is an addictive behavior that your husband is having trouble stopping, he may need some help.

Customer:

Forget about it.He thinks it is natural in men to do that and that shouldn't affect me

DuddyH :

When facing these kinds of problems, many couples can benefit from really learning how to communicate effectively at the level of of hurt or fear that's underneath the angry responses...

DuddyH :

How does the behavior make you feel? What are the top 2 or 3 ways it's harmful to your marriage?

Customer:

We also approached that.You know after the fights I always try to talk and understand but this time I am so sick and tired that I really don't know what to do

Customer:

BTW His behavior makes me feel undeerstimated,with low self steem.I think that when we are having sex he has all that in his mind.And for the record and please don't think I am arrogant but i am very atractive .I always been and even at 46 I am still what you can consider hot.So what the heck!

DuddyH :

Well it's totally normal and healthy for you to want to come first as your husband's wife, before any other woman. I've never seen anything good come out of pornography....

DuddyH :

I think he needs to hear how its hurting you and interfering with your relationship.

DuddyH :

Have you considered counseling?

Customer:

Do you mean couples counseling?Yes I thought about it we talked about it but he thinks it is not necesary

DuddyH :

Well I have 2 suggestions that may be helpful:

DuddyH :

1) If you do chose couples counseling, please make sure that you get evidence-based counseling like EFT for couples. It's short term and very effective.

DuddyH :

2) I often recommend that couples read the book "Hold me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson, she's the founder of EFT therapy for couples. This will very likely help you and your husband, by guiding you through a an emotionally focused conversation that really cuts to the heart of the matter on both sides. It's a serious relationship builder/saver....

DuddyH :

You can usually get the book at your local library for free or buy it second hand online at chapters or amazon.com.

DuddyH :

I always suggest that couples make a really date night for a week or so in a row to take turns reading a chapter to each other and answering the questions at the end of each chapter together.

DuddyH :

Let me get you some links to better understand the approach that I am suggesting...back in a few moments...

Customer:

Ok Thanks

DuddyH :

This is the book I recommend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrKME6y2ZOM

DuddyH :

It can really help even the most emotionally distressed and conflicted couples start to hear each other emotionally under the anger or hurt. Many couples are eager to attend EFT counseling after they read the book together if the book has not helped them to repair their emotional injuries.

DuddyH :

The book is based on EFT therapy, as I said, which is the most effective couples counseling approach currently available: http://www.iceeft.com/EFTResearch.pdf

Customer:

I will try this What can I loose?

DuddyH :

I am not an EFT therapist, but I have often reffed my face to face clients to EFT and I even attended myself a few years back with my own wife when we had a real rough patch.

DuddyH :

We had a 90 minute consult with the woman in that video as part of our therapy. She is considered the best therapist in the world....

DuddyH :

Dr. Jon Gottman, the marital researcher who can predict divorce with close to 100% accuracy based on how a couple talks about their problems for 3 minutes calls her approach the best in the world too:

DuddyH :

This is the kind of communication that couples need to avoid according to Dr. Gottman's research: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbJPaQY_1dc

DuddyH :

EFT communication strategies help couples push the four horsemen off their horses before they start galloping.

DuddyH :

If you do decide to attend counseling together here is a link to find a therapist in your area. If you can't find one on this list, I recommend contacting their head office in Ottawa as many newly trained therapists are not listed.

DuddyH :

Here's the find a therapist link:

DuddyH :

Have I answered your question ok today? What are your thoughts?

Customer:

Well I guess at list I have tools to try to work this out.I would like to have an answer to my main question:Why he needs all that? I am not enough? But I don't know if I will ever be able to answer these questions.

DuddyH :

I think that each person is different, so the real answer will only come from the person with the behavior. I have no way of assessing your husband's motives, perceptions or reasons for his behavioral choices. I also know that many people can become addicted to pornography the same way they can become addicted to drugs or alcohol. In some cases people need help to quit, in other cases people may not even be aware of their cyber addiction....

Customer:

Ok Thank you!

DuddyH :

I think the best thing to do is to really learn how to talk about this issue in a way that really show's him how it hurts you. When he see's the pain his choices cause you at that basic human level, he will be far more likely to really want to love and protect you from those feelings. He may see that you and your feelings are far more important than any picture of a naked woman. EFT is one of the best ways to communicate at that deep emotional level, so that partner's really hear and feel each other. I think reading the book together is a strong first step in getting the answers, and perhaps more importantly your need to feel loved, protected and to come first before any other person in the marriage met.

DuddyH :

You are very welcome. I'm going to enable the green accept button now, so that you can pay for my answer if you are satisfied with it. I wish you and your husband the very best!

David Akiva, BA, MA,
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 167
Experience: Counselor; Behavioral Consultant
David Akiva and 3 other Mental Health Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  David Akiva replied 2 years ago.
I hope you're doing well. I wanted to check up on you to see how you are doing and if you have any other questions I can answer for you.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
< Last | Next >
  • I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly. Thank you very much Corrie Moll Pretoria, South Africa
  • I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as well! Claudia Albuquerque, NM
  • Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. Kevin Beaverton, OR
  • Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.
    I feel better already! Thank you.
    Elanor Tracy, CA
  • Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem. Julie Lockesburg, AR
  • You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and Stefanie Tucson, AZ
  • I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet V Phoenix, AZ
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/Dr.Keane/2013-8-20_204325_drkeane.64x64.jpg Dr. Keane's Avatar

    Dr. Keane

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1262
    Clinical Psychology PhD, Licensed Professional Counselor with experience in marriage/family, teens and child psychology.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    5024
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC's Avatar

    Kate McCoy, M.Ed, NBCC, LPC

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    3733
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DR/DrAkiraOlsen/2012-2-20_746_AkiraADpicmain.64x64.jpg Dr. Olsen's Avatar

    Dr. Olsen

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2336
    PsyD Psychologist
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/norriem/2009-5-27_134249_nm.jpg Norman M.'s Avatar

    Norman M.

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2193
    UK trained in hypnotherapy, counselling and psychotherapy and have been in private practice. ADHP(NC), DEHP(NC), UKCP Registered and ECP.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/PsychologyProf/2010-07-15_171248_logos060400409.jpg Dr. Michael's Avatar

    Dr. Michael

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    2177
    Licensed Ph.D. Clinical Health Psychology with 30 years of experience in private practive and as a clinical psychology university professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/KURTEMMERLING/2010-07-23_215531_just_ask_picture1.jpg Steven Olsen's Avatar

    Steven Olsen

    Therapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1727
    More than twenty years of expertise in counseling, psychological diagnosis and education