Have Mental Health Questions? Ask a Psychiatrist Online
Welcome, I'm a professional counselor and behavioral-consultant. I'd like to chat with you for a few moments to better understand your question.
Do you have a few moments right now?
I'll check back a bit later for your response as you don't seem to be responding.
I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this right now. To provide you with a strong practical answer I really do need a strong practical question. What do you mean more specifically when you say "Help"?
Hi and Thank you.When I say help! I meanI can' t find the way for him to sop doing thisand I need advice.
are u there??
Yes I'm back now.
Does he want to stop? Does he see how the behavior you describe is hurting you and your marriage?
Yeah so What do you need to know?
well First of all he thing all this is nothing.I already descibed my feelings...Do you think I am crazy?Tell me please
I don't think you are crazy.
He has lied so much in the past.He stopped the magazines( at list they don't come home anymore..and I thought everything was better until yest when I found those websites and pictures on the his computer and for the record It wasn't a one time thing.Everyday shows those websites in his history
But I would like to get a clearer understanding of the problem. For example, if there is an addictive behavior that your husband is having trouble stopping, he may need some help.
Forget about it.He thinks it is natural in men to do that and that shouldn't affect me
When facing these kinds of problems, many couples can benefit from really learning how to communicate effectively at the level of of hurt or fear that's underneath the angry responses...
How does the behavior make you feel? What are the top 2 or 3 ways it's harmful to your marriage?
We also approached that.You know after the fights I always try to talk and understand but this time I am so sick and tired that I really don't know what to do
BTW His behavior makes me feel undeerstimated,with low self steem.I think that when we are having sex he has all that in his mind.And for the record and please don't think I am arrogant but i am very atractive .I always been and even at 46 I am still what you can consider hot.So what the heck!
Well it's totally normal and healthy for you to want to come first as your husband's wife, before any other woman. I've never seen anything good come out of pornography....
I think he needs to hear how its hurting you and interfering with your relationship.
Have you considered counseling?
Do you mean couples counseling?Yes I thought about it we talked about it but he thinks it is not necesary
Well I have 2 suggestions that may be helpful:
1) If you do chose couples counseling, please make sure that you get evidence-based counseling like EFT for couples. It's short term and very effective.
2) I often recommend that couples read the book "Hold me Tight" by Dr. Sue Johnson, she's the founder of EFT therapy for couples. This will very likely help you and your husband, by guiding you through a an emotionally focused conversation that really cuts to the heart of the matter on both sides. It's a serious relationship builder/saver....
You can usually get the book at your local library for free or buy it second hand online at chapters or amazon.com.
I always suggest that couples make a really date night for a week or so in a row to take turns reading a chapter to each other and answering the questions at the end of each chapter together.
Let me get you some links to better understand the approach that I am suggesting...back in a few moments...
This is the book I recommend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrKME6y2ZOM
It can really help even the most emotionally distressed and conflicted couples start to hear each other emotionally under the anger or hurt. Many couples are eager to attend EFT counseling after they read the book together if the book has not helped them to repair their emotional injuries.
The book is based on EFT therapy, as I said, which is the most effective couples counseling approach currently available: http://www.iceeft.com/EFTResearch.pdf
I will try this What can I loose?
I am not an EFT therapist, but I have often reffed my face to face clients to EFT and I even attended myself a few years back with my own wife when we had a real rough patch.
We had a 90 minute consult with the woman in that video as part of our therapy. She is considered the best therapist in the world....
Dr. Jon Gottman, the marital researcher who can predict divorce with close to 100% accuracy based on how a couple talks about their problems for 3 minutes calls her approach the best in the world too:
This is the kind of communication that couples need to avoid according to Dr. Gottman's research: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbJPaQY_1dc
EFT communication strategies help couples push the four horsemen off their horses before they start galloping.
If you do decide to attend counseling together here is a link to find a therapist in your area. If you can't find one on this list, I recommend contacting their head office in Ottawa as many newly trained therapists are not listed.
Here's the find a therapist link:
Here's a link to buy the book online if you can't find it your local library: http://www.amazon.ca/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/031611300X/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331747340&sr=1-1-fkmr0
Have I answered your question ok today? What are your thoughts?
Well I guess at list I have tools to try to work this out.I would like to have an answer to my main question:Why he needs all that? I am not enough? But I don't know if I will ever be able to answer these questions.
I think that each person is different, so the real answer will only come from the person with the behavior. I have no way of assessing your husband's motives, perceptions or reasons for his behavioral choices. I also know that many people can become addicted to pornography the same way they can become addicted to drugs or alcohol. In some cases people need help to quit, in other cases people may not even be aware of their cyber addiction....
Ok Thank you!
I think the best thing to do is to really learn how to talk about this issue in a way that really show's him how it hurts you. When he see's the pain his choices cause you at that basic human level, he will be far more likely to really want to love and protect you from those feelings. He may see that you and your feelings are far more important than any picture of a naked woman. EFT is one of the best ways to communicate at that deep emotional level, so that partner's really hear and feel each other. I think reading the book together is a strong first step in getting the answers, and perhaps more importantly your need to feel loved, protected and to come first before any other person in the marriage met.
You are very welcome. I'm going to enable the green accept button now, so that you can pay for my answer if you are satisfied with it. I wish you and your husband the very best!