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Dr-A-Greene
Dr-A-Greene, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
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Experience:  Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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I am 61 and significant other is 61..we came together 2 years

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I am 61 and significant other is 61..we came together 2 years ago after each divorced marriages of 38 yrs.
I live in my hometown 1 block from her large house. I rent now. She is well off financially. I lost my wealth in 2007...all of it. She knows this, says no problem. Our goal has been to move into together..but she says she has not been divorced long enough (18 mo) sep 1 yr prior to that. So we spend most nights together/watching tv..I leave at 11 pm..NEVER have I spent the night upstairs with her. She has stayed all night at my house 6 x 28 mo period...we talk am noon before bed...tell each other we love each other at least 8 x day.
Why won't she let me move into her house? or sleep at her house overnight? why won't she marry me?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Mental Health
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 2 years ago.
First off, it sounds like you have a very close and loving relationship. But, just for my knowledge, what is the reason you want to get married right now?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Not as important as just living together. We were Jr. Prom Sr. Prom dates...fell back in love 3 yrs ago....

I just feel three years is plenty of time to conclude our goal of living together. But NOT sleeping in her bed upstairs for this period of time makes no sense to me. Her answer is someday...just not now.... I actually feel her family relationship shapes her quirks and I feel she was an abandoned child...parents left them with Nanny...a lot...Never told her they loved her...no abuse but a lot of DISTRUST ON everything.... I feel like the COMPANION.... and at 65 I will be with the same situation....She is a procrastinator in most decisions....well to do financially, but won't spend money to do some things. She knows my two children much better than I know hers...I really feel most of it comes from her worrrying about what the children of 36 and 33 yrs will say...

Just guessing and so frustrating.

Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 2 years ago.
I'm sure that a lot of those things factor into it. With children in the picture and a long history behind you there are quite a few things that could get in the way. However, I'm wondering if being married for as long as she was made her feel as though she was constrained in some way? Do you know what her prior marriage was like? I'm sure that some of those issues have to factor in too.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Well the marriage went on so long because money was never an issue and they had separate home lives. He read all the time after work...introverted....She did not work but made her life by girlfriend relationships, gardening, her children, community...They never fought verbally . To date I do not know WHY they divorced beyond..LOVE .. WAS LOST FOR MANY YEARS. ...She feels no reason to share this information...SHE ask him for divorce..and withing 30 days he moved out...did not beg to stay or say I am sorry. But..they are very amiable with each other..He is a dentist and still takes care of her teeth....but no communication beyond that. Her kids were totally shocked when she announced divorce was eminent....Never shared anything with them about her unhappiness...She refused to counsel....still does.....he did not ask to counsel. Financial settlement easy..no lawyer...done in 60 days.
Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 2 years ago.

Wow. So they were in a relationship where it sounds like communication was definitely not that high on the list. It also sounds like she didn't discuss her misgivings with her kids either. Thus, she has remained very quiet about her feelings of unhappiness. My guess is that she was sharing her space with someone to whom she felt very disconnected for a very long time. Not being able to discuss that must have felt suffocating. I'm wondering how much she has actually grieved the loss of this relationship? That's one thing.

The other issue is that she may not be terribly excited about sharing her space all the time with someone else (due to her past) no matter how much she loves them. She's gaining her feelings of individuality again. Have you tried inviting her over to stay at your apartment more? I've heard a lot so far about moving in with her or staying at her place, which might be making her feel encroached upon... just a thought.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Yes those feelings have surfaced. My insecurity is probably a large part of it. Money has never been discussed other than me telling her I am broke...thru tears...twice in last 2yrs.


Expert:  Dr-A-Greene replied 2 years ago.
Do you think that she might be worried about that? I sense that you're worried, but I'm not hearing that this is the reason you're with her. Could she be concerned that it is (or could her children)?
Dr-A-Greene, Doctor
Category: Mental Health
Satisfied Customers: 190
Experience: Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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